Note: I normally have my quote of the day in this spot but today I want to send you to the site in which I got the bathroom warning sign because I am contemplating having a few of these made up for our house... 10 Hilarious Bathroom Signs
30 April 2010
29 April 2010
I had posted the following several years ago and it is pretty amusing in hindsight especially since our daughter Nicole is now in College. And no, she did not go to either school she described... :o)
Rachel, "Mom, what did you do today without us getting in your hair?"**Chorus of "MMMMOOOOOMMMMMM**
Nicole, "She was probably happily plotting our demise so she could extend the quiet time."
Me, "Nah, I wasn't plotting your demise... I was concocting new ways to torture you. Much more satisfying by drawing out the anticipation."
Me "Well, you did ask! What? You really didn't want to know?"Why do kids do that?
After finally getting on with dinner and the usual questioning of how their day went in school, what homework they had, what activities do we need to schedule and budget for... our eldest daughter relayed a conversation she'd had with a friend of hers about college students.
Her facial expressions, tone and delivery were hilarious but since I did not have the foresight to record our dinner conversation (something I have often thought about doing for future comic relief) I will just have to give you the script version.
So that this will make sense, I will tell you that we live near a state university and five colleges. BIG University and Colleges. So the breed of college student thoroughly saturates the local population. There are two schools in particular that were discussed. For the purpose of this conversation, we'll call them University and College A.
The University just dropped out of the top ten PARTY Universities in the country. (after the University kicked out a bunch of fraternities) College A is an expensive and exclusive private college.
Nicole, "Do you know how you can tell the difference between University and College A students when they go to the Campus Bookstore?"
My husband, "Their sweatshirts?"
Nicole, "My friend who works at the bookstore says that when a University student comes in looking for a Psychology textbook and is told that they are in the basement of the building, the student hollers 'WOO HOO, University in the basement!' and they go down where there are a bunch of other University students and it immediately looks like they are having a party.'"
College A student comes in and says (in a young, scared, very whiny voice) "I've lost my syllabus. Do you have my syllabus? I don't know what book I need. (voice becoming progressively more panicked) Do you know what book I need? (thoroughly panicked) I can't find it and there are only six more days till class begins!"
"Meanwhile, in the basement, the University students have quickly selected their books so they can move the party to a more appropriate location."
QOTD: "Of course there's a lot of knowledge in Universities: the Freshmen bring a little in; the Seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates...." Dr. A. Lawrence Lowell
28 April 2010
When I asked him how his oatmeal was, he stared at it with a mournful expression and said,"Did you know that Chuck Norris kills a kitten every time someone eats oatmeal?"
I had to laugh. "He does not!"It was a struggled to get Erin out of bed this morning. She was the last one to make it to the kitchen.
My husband, "Did you know that Chuck Norris kills a kitten every time you give your parents trouble getting out of bed?"
Me, "He does NOT!!! You are going to give her nightmares!"Erin just laughed at her father. She's already caught on to his ways.
Rachel, "Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries."
Me: "What's with the Chuck Norris thing this morning? And Nicole, did you want some bagel with that cream cheese?"
Nicole just globs even more cream cheese on her bagel and then blithely says, "Chuck Norris eats his bagels this way and you don't want to mess with the way Chuck Norris does things."Sigh. Guess I can't deny it's going to be a Chuck Norris kind of day...
QOTD: "When God said, 'Let there be light', Chuck Norris said. 'Say please.'" Unknown
27 April 2010
Our niece, was expressing her educational inner angst, "I hate high school. It was a total waste of time. I didn't learn anything."
My husband asked, "Well what was it you hoped to learn?"
To which she replied, "Nothing!"
"Well there, you see? You should be thrilled, after all you met all of your expectations and I imagine even surpassed them."
I guess that Nina, after having a whole week without her sisters, says to Rachel over the whining, "Evolve Already!"
QOTD: "Most species do their own evolving, making it up as they go along, which is the way Nature intended. And this is all very natural and organic and in tune with mysterious cycles of the cosmos, which believes that there’s nothing like millions of years of really frustrating trial and error to give a species moral fiber and, in some cases, backbone." Terry Pratchett (b.1948-) English Writer
16 April 2010
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
14 April 2010
When I started blogging again, I had to start out from scratch. I had, after all, deleted my blog so all my past posts and comments were gone... or so I thought! My husband and I were talking not too long ago about places that archive the internet. It got me thinking... yes, I know that can be dangerous but I was feeling pretty courageous, so I started googling, yahooing, and wikipedying. Why does that sound like wickedly peeing to me this morning? Huh, up here in New England that would describe an incredibly wonderful and successful urinating experience. (see New Expressions...)
QOTD: "Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else... there's Google." ~ unknown
13 April 2010
I can tell you that when the whining begins to tips the scales of my patience... I'm ready to rip the head off the next child who comes to me and says, "Mom, she said/did/wants/makes ::fill in the blank::" (see the logistics of selling your kids on eBay) So in an effort to keep my sanity and put back on the peacekeeper hat, I have the bad habit of hiding in our bedroom for a while. OK. Sometimes all evening if it's really bad.
OK, we'll call a spade a spade and just say that I send myself to my room for a time out before I do something that, although would feel great in the moment, would probably have me sporting black and white stripes or a lovely orange, dayglo jumpsuit as a room mate of a big, buff, woman wrestler with tattoo's that say "Daddy" with maybe snakes running up the length of her arms doing the mamba and an evil looking dragon over her entire back. Body piercings at maximum limit in places that hurt just to think about them much less look at. And did I mention that she would probably have a voodoo doll that looked just like me and when she smiled, the teeth she had remaining would be sharpened and gold tipped? (I seem to have this nightmare often. Unfortunately it is vivid enough to remain forever etched in my memory...)
See? It doesn't take long sometimes to realize that you don't necessarily have to make lemonade from life's lemons. Sometimes you can picture what alternative those lemons might look like and know that getting hit with the common variety lemon can be acceptable... Fun even... (Have I convinced you yet? Yeah... me either...)
OK, with zen achieved I can go back downstairs and cope with dinner. (complete with 'funeral march playing', dragging my feet like I'm headed to the gallows) I'm sure I can handle making the dinner, cleaning the kitchen and herding the kids off to bed with nary a police report filed for bad behavior. (Just repeat after me "Good Mommy. Good Mommy.")
I don't have to bother even looking in the mirror when I get up in the morning. It will, after all, be a great day! (See above, it even says so!)
Watch, tonight I'll be dreaming of my new cell mate..... again...
QOTD: "Don't be too hard on parents. You may find yourself in their place." Dame Ivy Compton-Burnett (1884-1969), Elders and Betters (1944)
12 April 2010
Warning: It's Monday and I am desperately making lemonade as fast as I can so you might notice my humor is a bit... off. (For want of a better word)
So it's TWO posts in ONE day! I'm either feeling loquacious or truly desperate today. (By the way folks, just to make sure you get the FULL value of The Lemon Stand... loquacious is your word for the day. Try using it in a sentence to
irritate impress your kids, friends, family or pet rock. :) Hey... at least I suggested that you to use it on a Monday when the grey matter is still regurgitating from the weekend!)
But back to the subject of springtime visitors. It is now officially springtime here in the Berkshires. We had our first moose strike of the season. (At least the driver wasn't killed too although I probably can't say the same for the car) For some reason that I have yet to figure out, moose love our neighborhood. (And no, we do not live in Mr. Roger's Neighborhood) On average we get at least one moose who commits suicide by way of wandering... across the one busy road in town. Maybe they didn't hear about the turkey's demise? Maybe they just don't listen to local gossip like the bear does. (more on him later)
We discovered the sad event while driving to school last Friday morning. The kids were so upset about it that I was considering sending condolences to his family. (I didn't though, because I would have had to wait by the side of the road near the moose crossing until they returned, to deliver it. You have to be very careful about being mistook for bear snack at this time of year.)
And speaking of the bear population... while my husband was unloading the wood flooring for one of the bedrooms this weekend, we had a visit from our local bear who was still just waking up from his winter nap.
How did I know he was just waking up from his winter nap? Well, it could have been the way he was staggering around and still rubbing his eyes or the way he looked really hung over... but in truth he looked just like my husband and daughters, Nicole and Danielle, before they get their first cup of coffee in the morning. (Although I think my family members are still grumpier than the bear was so maybe the bear had been able to get at least part of his daily caffeinated diet...)
Now that I think about it... life is much more interesting when your survival or possible demise is at stake...
QOTD: “Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-bog-gglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as the final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. The argument goes something like this:
`I refuse to prove that I exist,' says God, `for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.'
`But,' says Man, `The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED.'
`Oh dear,' says God, `I hadn't thought of that,' and promptly vanished in a puff of logic. `Oh, that was easy,' says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.” ~ Douglas Adams (1952-2001) British comic Writer
QOTD: "SLANG, n. The grunt of the human hog (_Pignoramus intolerabilis_) with an audible memory. The speech of one who utters with his tongue what he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in accomplishing the feat of a parrot. A means (under Providence) of setting up as a wit without a capital of sense." ~ Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) American Writer, Journalist and Editor from Devil's Dictionary
05 April 2010
QOTD: "I trace my family history so I will know who to blame." ~ unknown