14 November 2011

Parental School Of Selective Properties...

I never took physics in school, but the parental classroom has been a wonderful education all on it's own.  I've learned, for instance, the properties of, including, but not in any way limited to:

liquid on diapers...  the diaper package didn't say 24-50 lbs load...

liquid on diapers...  rate of use rises in direct proportion to the number of diapers you have on hand (fifteen minutes PAST the close of the closest store)...

rate of effect and strength of absorption on long term memory... includes every single word of the things you wish had never passed your lips...

rate of effect and strength of absorption on short term memory... excludes all things associated with what a child was supposed to do for you when the payoff isn't immediate (oh, and get everything in writing. Anything else is apparently affected by the above properties of memory on your own feeble, aged mind to remember anything when it is the least advantageous to you and not advantageous to your teenager)...

rate of effect and strength of absorption on short term memory... includes all things associated with chores...

selective deafness... on children being called to the breakfast table...

selective muteness... to being down to the last three squares of toilet paper on a roll or the last two tablespoons of milk....

selective blindness... to the dirt they are tracking across your just washed floor...

time... it flies when you don't have it ...

time... flies whether you're having fun or not...

teenagers... any value a monetary unit has, will always have been researched (with bibliography) in advance of request... their term paper has not (been researched, that is)...

silence... is NOT golden when you have toddlers...

illness... dying and well on their way to the death... until the school bus pulls away or before a snow day has been called...

perseverance... absent when it involves any kind of activity that looks like it might include work...

perseverance... when one parent doesn't produce the desired results, then try the other parent, or a Grandpa or anyone within the family hierarchic connections...

inclusion... all things within the house and yard belong to the house (not specifically to the parents) and everyone in it.  Hence, it's okay to use, lose, use up, damage, give away or take without specific permission anything you like (I could swear I have bought, looked upon, picked up, washed, fed, heard and/or felt every single thing on our property... this permission of use is not in any way given or implied anywhere that I have been able to find. Must make note to either find a good lawyer or pay for your child's law school.  Don't worry, they can pass the bar without the schooling but that just might look suspicious. Best to keep these things on the up and up.  After all, honesty is the best policy)... 

choices... kids learn early... always have someone else to blame (this would include the homework your child fed to the dog or cat)...

equal opportunity... only if that means someone else pulled the short straw and the opportunity to annoy one's siblings...

selective deafness, blindness and the absence of feeling of touch... absence of ability detect dishes in the sink, clothes in the washer, clothes in the dryer, the full dishwasher, the empty dishwasher, the toilet seat, dirt in any and all of its forms...

properties and effects of soap and water on a teenager... apparently none...

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