If I see someone doing a 'Snow Dance', I will hurt them.
If I hear someone 'Praying for Snow', I will hurt them.
If I feel 'The Force' being manipulated to produce 'Snow', I will hunt the perpetrator(s) down and I will hurt them... and I won't CARE if you are Yoda or even related to Yoda!
If I even smell someone 'thinking'about Snow', I will hurt them.If I SEE anyone using the word 'Snow' in ANY of it's possible forms as a Key Word in a search engine... end up in my blog stats? I WILL BE GOING POSTAL!!!!
31 January 2011
29 January 2011
Jill: Sorry it took so long for me to respond - Jack Senior got home last night and was full of stories about his mother. Things I'd like to write about, but that others might not understand the humor of. Like the fact that she demanded to get out to breathe "fresh air", but was unable to leave the car and was too cold for them to open the windows while they were parked. Oh - and did I mention that she has a version of Crohn's Disease along with everything else and she refuses to monitor which foods she eats? So, I'm sure you can imagine what the car smelled like (since the heater had to be on because she was cold).
And the part that had me nearly on the ground in tears of horrified laughter, when my husband told her he REALLY had to open a window to let air circulate because it smelled "stale" in the car (he was trying to approach the situation politely) she said in her German accent, "I smell nothing." And the windows stayed up.
As for your 'white ice bag' [Like I said, punctuality was an after-thought... This was in reference to the infamous purple cast incident] - have you tried blinging it out? Bedazzlers are pretty cheap at JoAnn's. Or you could go with that new teen style of decorating with wanna-be graffiti art. I think the word "LEMONADE" in giant gang-style print would go nicely with just about anything. And you could put on a yellow do-rag to match. Just remember, you're East Coast, so the pants are folded up on the right side. Also, you might want to write "LEMONADE" across the butt of your pants just to be safe. That way you can really, truly blend in. :)
ME: No, no, no... you and Jack Senior (a name I find hysterical and probably NOT for the reasons you'd expect, but more on that later) are looking at this situation all wrong! You've got a gold mine of opportunities here with your MIL!
Just think about this from a different perspective. What you have here is absolutely amazing when you really take the time to think about this. You have a woman (and I know I shouldn't be assuming here but since I'm pretty sure Jack DIDN'T crawl out from under a rock I'll keep her gender orientation within what is generally accepted within our society for her generation... but just so you know, I believe we are all unique, just like everyone else on the planet. I'm not a bigot when it comes to gender, color, religion, politics, education or chocolate preference although I DO draw the line for those people who roll the left pant leg... or was that the right one... no, not THAT 'right', your 'military right'. Yeah, that's the one... I think... Huh... maybe not... Guess I'll have to get back to you on that one... Anyway, I believe that EVERY human being on the planet has the right to be crapped on because that way the crap gets spread out more evenly and I REALLY do believe in being a team player. I know my intellect is truly dizzying, but don't give up on me yet. I have faith in your abilities to recognize and appreciate the genius that is me.) Now where was I?
Oh, yes. You have a woman, whom could become a national treasure! Yes, you read that right. ( No, not THAT right... Do we really need to go through that one again? Please, do try to pay attention here. Thank you.) NOW where was I? Oh, yes. A national treasure! She could be revered here, in the great US of A and have schools, libraries and towns named after her! Why, the Nobel Peace Prize committee would absolutely drool at the idea of honoring her! You don't understand just how LUCKY you both really are! Why, this could be epic. You could go down in history for being related to her!
I can see how you'd probably feel depressed when the world at large holds up a picture of you and finds you lacking. It's only to be expected and you really don't have a choice about your genetics anyway. Truly. It wouldn't be all that bad for you, because the rest of us could never hold a candle up to the greatness that is her, either.
At least YOU get to be related to her... Why... I am eaten up with jealousy now that I ponder this. Absolutely neon green! Why do YOU get to be related to her and the rest of us just get to bask in the microscopic (you know what? I think microscopic has become my new favorite word. Why, I have used it in my last three emails to you! Yes, I know you were wondering about this. Well now you know.) Now WHERE was I? Oh yes, crumbs. Microscopic crumbs. Why do we get to just pine for even a glimpse of her? I don't get it. That's just not fair!
In retrospect I can see the enormity of the error I have made in possibly making you aware of your blessings. Please, just forget everything I just wrote. I didn't really mean any of it. Why... I was just... having a hallucination. Yes. A hallucination. So. You believe me, right? NO. NOT 'THAT' RIGHT!' You know? Now that I think about it... You just don't deserve to be related to her...
Lemon StandPS Since I have had to Peck out this email with one finger for the last three hours, you'll have to excuse me for not relating my amusement about the name 'Jack Senior.' Not only am I now tired and depressed, I wonder why it is that my best writing is always written to one person (OK, possibly two in this case if you decide to share this with Jack). When I want to write a blog post all I get is blue screen... It's just not fair.
28 January 2011
1) If you CAN'T hear your children when they are awake, find them quick because children are only quiet when they are doing something that will make your hair turn prematurely grey!
2) If you CAN hear your children, go break it up, hopefully before you have great need to provide transportation to the nearest hospital emergency room. (From either sibling or parental induced trauma)
3) Don't ever try to get anything done when the children are awake. This will always be the opportunity for trouble to find them.
4) Understand that a child can take apart anything you can build or accomplish in less time and with a lot less effort.
5) Always take advantage of good behavior... you'll never know if you will ever see it again or when the aliens will be swapping your child back. (You don't think they'd really want to keep them do you?)
6) Always hold back your own personal supply of water balloons and snow balls. They do come in handy.
7) After a child becomes a teenager, a padded room that locks from the INSIDE will become necessary for parental recuperation.
8) However many teenagers you have, that will be the exact number required to turn off a light. One to actually perform the duty and the others to tell you, "But I didn't turn it on."
9) Once you have a daughter who arrives at the age of 12, it is imperative that you have an emergency supply of chocolate on hand at all times!
10) Hug all of your children good-morning and good-night. When they no longer want a hug, you will know they have arrived at puberty.
26 January 2011
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.
Oh, how I love New England
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave New England
Cuz I'm frozen to the ground!
REVISED EDITION: It seems that either this post... or me in particular, reminds Andy of Andy's Place, in his current post, of the Titanic... Poor Andy is really suffering down there in Louisiana... granted he's in the NORTHwest part of Louisiana... but now I have to link to HIS OTHER link, because I think I really like the way his wife thinks!
25 January 2011
H. Jackson Brown, Jr. originally wrote Life's Little Instruction Book™ as a gift for his son who was leaving home to begin his freshman year in college. Brown says, "I read years ago that it was not the responsibility of parents to pave the road for their children but to provide a road map, and I wanted to provide him with what I had learned about living a happy and rewarding life."
"But it's not just for young people," says Brown. "Most of us already know how to live a successful and purposeful life. We know we should be more understanding and thoughtful, more responsible, courageous and appreciative. It's just that we sometimes need reminding."
- Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen every day.
- Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.
- Think big thoughts, but relish small pleasures.
- Learn to listen. Opportunity sometimes knocks softly.
- Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have.
- Be kinder than necessary.
- Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
- Commit yourself to constant self-improvement.
- Don't major in minor things.
- Never cut what can be untied.
- Pregnancy after three years infertility
- First Gulf War breaks out
- Permanent Change of Station (AKA PCS) and a move half-way around the world to Guam from southern Florida... a military move instruction manual would have been amazing...
- Pre-term labor and a placenta that had started to tear... I didn't even think of an instruction manual... I just wanted Mom...
- Evacuated to closest Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit in the Philippines. 9 days before...
- Mt Pinatubo Volcano erupts requiring evacuation... I really could have used an instruction manual around this time...
- Evacuated to closest Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit in Japan... no instruction manual... just an air sickness bag...
- Minor earthquake... still no desperately needed instruction manual to be found...
- Almost four weeks to due date... fetal lung maturity tested and found OK
- Evacuated back to Guam
- Five days hard labor. Water broken and seventeen minutes later we have a baby girl named Nicole
- Nicole broke collarbone in delivery. I broke tailbone in delivery. Born three weeks early
- First child... still haven't found an instruction manual on life... now in desperate need of an owner's manual too...
- Six months later... uh oh, oops... instruction manual not needed, had this subject covered in High School health class... guess I must have missed that lecture...
- Problems with pregnancy... hospitalized for about four and a half months... again, I didn't want an instruction manual... I wanted Mom...
- Nicole's first steps and a lot of other firsts happen without me... still waiting on those instruction manuals (life and owner)...
- Evacuated to closest Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit in Hawaii
- Mother in Law flies to Guam, picks up our daughter and brings her to Hawaii and stays... A Mother with an instruction (and owner manuals from older models) memorized...
- Super Typhoon Omar destroys our home on Anderson AFB... tissues supplied... instruction manual not needed...
- Mom flies home... detailed instructions given prior to leaving...
- Category four Hurricane Iniki hits Hawaii, passing directly of Kaua'i. The most powerful hurricane in Hawaiian recorded history, devastates Hawaii... a survival manual instead, might have come in handy at this point...
- Danielle is born three and a half weeks early. Has severe jaundice and stays hospitalized
- A couple of days later, I tripped in hospital parking lot. Broken left big toe, torn ligament in left ankle, torn ligament in right knee... did not follow Mom's detailed instructions to the letter... already know what instruction manual said and really didn't need an 'I told you so'...
- Return to Guam. Not much to salvage. Not much to pack. Not much need for instructions on what comes next...
- Instead of accepting an unaccompanied short tour for a year, I separated from the military
- Fly most of the way without my husband from Guam to Maine with 15 month old, 6 week old, left ankle in cast, right leg in brace from hip to ankle... (Have I mentioned how much I LOVE my cousin Denyse? She has a really big S on her undershirt! She's my hero. She flew to San Francisco to help me, and then we flew home together.)
- Land, head straight to emergency room with two children running raging fevers from ear infections... Mother with instruction (and owner) manual memorized... was on site...
- Three months later, husband separates from active duty and returns home to Maine... Serious need for an encyclopedia of Life's Instructions...
24 January 2011
Today's weather report is as follows:
without the windchill factor counted inthis morning as I dragged my toasty warm body out from under the Mount Everest of blankets. '-'32°, did you notice that cute littlethe minus sign before the number 32 indicates the negative number of degrees it is below 0°F. In other words it's really flipping cold up here!(I would like to thank my husband for taking the kids to school this morning so that I could go back beneath our Mount Everest of blankets.)
Just in case you slept through, were wadding paper for spitballs, writing notes to pass to your friends or were out sick with the Bubonic Plague the day theLESSON ON THE PROPERTIES OF WATER were taught in your elementary school class. H2O that would be water for those of you who might not have been mentally available in middle schoolfreezes at 32°F. Now according to my old Anatomy & Physiology Textbook (I did pay attention in college... at least for this discussion), our resident doctor, a woman's body that would be mine, is made up of about 55% water, men are about 60%. Which means there is the possibility that today I could be affectedby the laws of temperature, the application of this kind of cold temperature you know... the ridiculously frigid air that only polar bears and penguins love, could freeze a person that would be mesolid rather fast then, I too could become another member of our winter lawn decorations... along with the swimming snowman and snow sharks. Therefore, the laws of temperature and the fact that I am a homo sapien, would seem to make it prudent ya think?to remain indoors preferably a heated indoors, because the possibility of freezing solid is ridiculously high.Please try to limit your time outside without appropriate weather gear we're talking Nanook of the North level of clothing here, to a minimum. Aye, Aye Captain! R emain inside my 68°F heated home... under our Mount Everest of blankets... pulled over my head, avoid ing becoming a human popsicle. I can definitely agree with that surmise. thank you so very much! It sounds absolutely delightful.
I am delighted to report that the temperature has rocketed up 24°in the last four hours! We are now at
sitting at a very balmy-8°F... with a windchill factor of -14°F. As your local weather reporter, I am happy to announce that we should reach the positive single digits for a high today. I'm wondering if his life depends upon accuracy? I sure hope not. I've kinda gotten used to him and his type of gestures. I really don't feel up to learning a 'newbie's mime. IWe will keep you apprised of his physical conditionof the weather as soon as the reports are madeavailable.
In other news, changes are happening here at The Lemon Stand's website. How drastic those changes might be will depend upon the
level of frustration reached by the construction crew, in other words, MEavailable talent's schedule . Should we go off the air, it will only be very temporary... I Hope. Please stay tuned...
23 January 2011
21 January 2011
"Mommy, why does a bra lift and separate?"
"I think they are trying to describe how this particular style of bra supports your breasts, but to be honest, now that you mention it, that sounds pretty uncomfortable."
"These are "my girls" [if I have to explain this euphemism, then you are a guy] and they are off limits!"
"Mommy, I hate boys."
"Don't worry Danielle, they really DO eventually grow up and you'll be able to carry on an intelligent conversation."
"Mommy, what's a twenty-four hour bra and why would anyone want to wear one for that long?"
"I think the company just wanted to emphasize their bra's supportive qualities." (I'm of French descent and Kelly is of Italian descent and we TALK with our hands. It's an extension of our speaking abilities. Do I really need to describe how I, unthinkingly, answered this question any further?)
"Mommy, I don't like bras! They are nothing more than boob bond@ge." (mis-spelling is intentional, I assure you)
QOTD: "The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a other must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child." ~ Erma Bombeck
18 January 2011
17 January 2011
It's a holiday so I totally forgot that it was a Monday of Humor! How about this? Don't you just LOVE IT? It caught my eye over on the Experience Project. Rockinitasasnowbunny was using it as her icon and I had to ask her where it came from. The creator of this wonderful graphic is Pookiecat77 on Photobucket.
16 January 2011
QOTD: "I've got a dream, too, but it's about singing and dancing and making people happy. That's the kind of dream that gets better the more people you share it with. And, well, I've found a whole bunch of friends who have the same dream. And it kind of makes us like a family." ~ Kermit the frog from The Muppet Movie
15 January 2011
If you go to 38 Snowmen Nightmares:Calvin and Hobbes in Real Life , you will see that we are mere amateurs... Still, that didn't stop my daughter Erin, my niece, Isabelle and I from having a blast today...
I am obviously not a professional photographer because it never crossed my mind that 'white' on 'white' doesn't show up very well in broad daylight. I refuse to feel badly about the poor picture quality because WE have this winter decoration in our front yard... What kind of bland display can compete with OURS for sheer chutzpa? When we decided it was time for us to come in, we heated up the apple cider... And what did YOU accomplish today? :)
12 January 2011
I think the story of the Man With The Golden Voice has been pretty widely publicized. I first saw the video over on Andy's Place and in my opinion, it is rare in any of the media forms to ever deviate from the formula of "if it bleeds, it leads..."
Not so widely publicized was the journalist who took the time to talk to Mr. Williams. Doral Chenoweth III is a videographer who created the video for The Columbus Dispatch. If his intentions were anything more than trying to use his talent to just do his job, I really don't know. I hope that, at least part, his motivation was to do something kind for someone else without any thought of repayment (at least anything beyond his paycheck for doing a wonderful job). From all I've read, it doesn't sound like he expected the kind of help that was offered to Mr. Williams, but seemed genuinely glad about it. I think it just reinforces my opinion that even the smallest act of kindness can have the most profound effect on a farther range of people than most people realize.
Thank you, Mr. Chenoweth, for not only your kindness, but as a reminder to me that not all reporters should be painted with the same brush. And thank you to his publisher who agreed to run the story. My small little corner of the universe was lightened at the thought of how many people were touched. It won't ever mean a lot to anyone else, but in my own heart, you both win the You Made A Difference Award.
Thank you sincerely,
All my life I have tried to pluck a thistle and plant a flower wherever the flower would grow in thought and mind. ~ Abraham Lincoln, inspired by his mother's credo, which was 'kindness to neighbors and strangers'.
To Benjamin Webb1 (L. C.)Passy, April 22d, 1784.Dear Sir,I received yours of the 15t Instant, and the Memorial it enclosed.2 The account they give of your situation grieves me. I send you herewith a Bill for Ten Louis d’ors. I do not pretend to give such a Sum; I only lend it to you. When you shall return to your Country with a good Character, you cannot fail of getting into some Business, that will in time enable you to pay all your Debts. In that Case, when you meet with another honest Man in similar Distress, you must pay me by lending this Sum to him; enjoining him to discharge the Debt by a like operation, when he shall be able, and shall meet with such another opportunity. I hope it may thus go thro’ many hands, before it meets with a Knave that will stop its Progress. This is a trick of mine for doing a deal of good with a little money. I am not rich enough to afford much in good works, and so am obliged to be cunning and make the most of a little. With best wishes for the success of your Memorial, and your future prosperity, I am, dear Sir, your most obedient servant, B. Franklin
1 The Duke of Sussex wrote in the margin of his copy of Franklin’s works (now in B. M.), “the idea of this loan is most beautiful and bespeaks a goodness of heart for which one must love the man.” ~ ED.2 This letter written at Geneva is in A. P. S. The writer had been declared a bankrupt in England, fell under suspicion of having secreted property, and fled to the continent. He now wished to return to England and reëmbark in business. ~ ED.
The writings of Benjamin Franklin, Volume 9, page 197 By Benjamin Franklin
10 January 2011
Keeping With The Tradition of Monday Humor... Yes, I Know I Only Started This Tradtion Last Monday... But Work With Me Here...
I survived the MRI. I will not go into details as I will be reliving them in my nightmares for the next couple of weeks. I find out the results on Wednesday. After asking if we could have a copy of one of the pictures... just so I could prove I have a brain. (
06 January 2011
My sisters are not the ones you want to visit you if you are in the hospital. Really. One of my sisters has the dubious honor of having a very large labeled applied to her son's medical record (in addition to her own) that says, "If the words 'needle, shot, or immunization' had to be used, my sister had to be in a prone position prior to trying to have the discussion." No lie. I'd love to tease her about it, but as you can see, she'd just take a nap on me. My other sister isn't quite as bad, but since I could drive up to stay with our Mom, I told them not to worry.
It's about a three hour drive and I was happy I managed to make it to the hospital before she was taken in. I knew she was really nervous but determined to get this over with and have her mobility back. We ended up having a long time to visit with each other because the surgery schedule had somehow been delayed.
So Mom is laying in bed with one of those self-air-conditioning Johnny's on that you will never see in any magazine as the newest craze in fashion. (although, I might be wrong about this since showing underwear and butt crack has become fashionable, I may be wrong about the Johnny's style appeal to the newest generation...) She has a little granny cap on her head which, of course, keeps slipping down over her left eye. Since she had IVs attached to both hands, I tried to help her adjust the thing, but it didn't want to stay put. So I suggested she just pretend it was an eye patch and that she was just going through her pirate phase in life.... I got the 'look'. (The same one I use on my own offspring...) OKaaaay, so I helped tuck the thing behind one ear. (Till the nurse came back in and put the granny cap back where it had been....)
When nurse anesthetist started asking questions, a few produced the funniest expression I can ever remember being on my Mother's face. She was asking Mom questions like, "Do you have any special markings?" It took me a second to realize she was asking about scars, moles, or tattoos. My Mother's hearing isn't too good and she obviously was not wearing her hearing aids, so I repeated the questions nearer to her ear. My Mom mentions her scars. Then the nurse asks about body piercings and my Mom says two. One in each ear. (By this time I am trying very hard not to laugh.) The nurse finishes up and leaves.
My Mom turns to me and and says, "WHAAAT?"
"Mom, reason number 284 why tattoos and body piercings might not be a great idea. I can see myself at 70 saying, 'yeah, I have a belly button ring, both ears pierced 7 times and oh yeah, both nipples'..."
(I know my kids are going to read this and say GRRRROSSSS MOM!!! - Well, sweeties, don't read the rest of this then!)
You know? They say timing is everything and just as I was saying this the Doctor comes around the screen. He was smiling but thankfully didn't say anything about our unlady-like guffawing. He does his spiel and then he too, leaves.
So my Mom and I are still laughing and another nurse comes in to administer the 'Happy Juice'. She kept checking the chart and I'm sure she thought that we were both probably 'Happy' enough. After she leaves I tell my Mom, "There's another reason I won't get a tattoo. I don't think they look as good with the wrinkle, wave effect.... I can hear myself having to say something like, 'Hey, I'll be happy to show you my tattoo... just give me a minute to stretch it out flat for you to see it...' Nope, not gonna happen.'"
Then I asked my Mom if she needed a 'sharpie marker' and she asked me what for... I told her about a story I had just heard about a woman who had been in a really bad accident and eventually had to have part of one leg removed. She had used a sharpie to write notes all over her body to the doctors, nurses and anesthesiologist. On the good leg she wrote 'Not this leg. This is the good leg.' On the bad leg she wrote 'This is the right leg, I mean the bad leg, cut here.' She also wrote notes with arrows about where the reconstructive surgery was not taking place so that there was no need to look there. I couldn't remember all of them but it didn't matter, we were laughing so hard by this time that all the staff had come to see what was up and then we just had to tell them the whole story. Needless to say, Mom went into surgery with tears and a smile on her face... and so did everyone else :o)
05 January 2011
When I was quite small my immigrant Russian grandmother told me that people in this country give from the wrong place. "When you give from here," she declared, pointing to her solar plexus, "it's like keeping a ledger book. That's not giving, that's trading. I give you three so you give me three. I sweep the floor so you carry the bundles."
She pushed the wisps of white hair out of her eyes with the backs of her red hands, shaking her head back and forth, tsk-ing her tongue against her teeth. "You give your soul away when you give like that. Giving is supposed to be from here," she said, pointing to the center of her chest with a feathery finger. "When you give from your heart, it's not so you get anything back. There is no owing or owed. You just give because you want to give. When you give like this, it fills you up. Your heart can never run out. The more you give from there, the fuller you will be... When you give like this, there are no strangers." ~ Dawna Markova from the book Random Acts of Kindness, An Illustrated Celebration ISBN 97814355125513 (On the inside cover, after the description of the book, it says, "from the book")
QOTD: "Imagine what a world this would be if everyone did one kind thing every day." ~ "from the [same] book"
04 January 2011
QOTD: "Learning is not compulsory... neither is survival." W. Edwards Deming (1900-1993)