It hasn't been that long since you last came to visit. Please forgive me for not inviting you in for a cup of tea. I am rather busy bailing water at an extremely rapid pace. No, the flood has not gotten into the kitchen... yet. Thank you for your concern. Why, yes. I did notice that my driveway is under water. No. We don't happen to have a boat. You suggest that we might want to get one? Huh. I will definitely put it on my to-do list since you always seem to be in the thick of these kind of things and seem to always know what's what...
Could you use our bathroom? I'm so sorry. At the moment, the toilet can't be flushed and I really wouldn't send my worst enemy into that gas chamber. Why, yes. My husband does happen to own a gas mask. Unfortunately he is out of state at the moment and he took his gas mask with him. Why did he need it? Um. well, he said something about his hotel accommodations in Atlanta being in an urban combat zone and he thought it better to be prepared. So you see, I believe your best bet is to search for restroom facilities... in the next state over. I'm sure that if you leave now, it won't take you any time at all to get there.
Well, yes. I suppose you could answer the call of nature outside in the woods although I wouldn't suggest it. We have large packs of viscous wolves roaming around in these woods. I would truly be heartbroken if they ate you for breakfast. You truly would be better off in the next state over... or perhaps even 5 states over. It would be safer that way.
Could you have a glass of water? I am so sorry, Mr. Murphy. It seems that our well pump has died and we will have to wait for payday to fix it. Bottled water? The kids just used the last one we had... to put out the fire. What fire? Oh dear. Didn't I mention that the kitchen has smoke damage? It's another reason why I can't entertain you at the moment.. I am expecting the Fire Marshall any time now. Somehow a kitchen towel got too close to one of the gas burners on our stove but luckily the kids acted very swiftly to save the house. I'm so very proud of them.
Do I have a what? Oh, a snack. I thought you said ax. Please accept my profound apologies but the rats have gotten into the pantry and just last night I noticed we do not have even a scrap of food left. Truly, I am embarrassed to admit this all to you. I wish we could have a lovely visit. Truly, I do. But as you can see, right now is not a good time for us. If you had only called ahead I could have saved you a trip.
An invitation? I know I have not invited you since you laid down the law. No, I do not mean to be inhospitable or rude but surely you can see the situation we are in at the moment. Invitations for a visitation is the last thing on my mind at the moment.
No. Why should I be upset that you only made the law so that there would be balance in the universe. Believe me. At the moment I feel very connected to the universe. Ok. maybe I am a little upset. I mean, really. Couldn't you make it apply to us a little less often? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. No, please. Don't leave angry.
What was that? I haven't experienced all the plagues yet? Or every natural disaster know to man? Now wait a minute. I have weathered typhoons, blizzards, hurricanes, floods, earthquakes and even a volcanic eruption! I think just about every column has been checked for that life experience chart!
Hey! Where are you going? To make up more laws that apply to us? Nooooooooo!!!!!!
Some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed...
QOTD: "The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at." ~ unknown
Ow, ow, and ow. Here's hoping he skips town before the locusts swarm.
ReplyDeleteOMG - talk about getting hit with everything at once!
ReplyDeleteOuch! I say we take out Mr. Murphy (no, I don't mean for lemonade- TAKE. HIM. OUT.). If I recall correctly you have a vehicle with a trunk that's more than large enough for the body. :)
ReplyDeleteHope things start looking up, FAST!
Bette - I was hoping to discourage Mr. Murphy BEFORE any minor mishaps turn into major ones.
ReplyDeleteTeresa - I must confess that the only true problem has been the pond that is now our driveway. Every thing else was merely my tactics to head Mr. Murphy off at the pass. This stuff always seems to happen when the husband has his super suit on and is off into the wild blue yonder. (Luckily, he'll be back on Friday!) :O)
Amber - You know... if I thought I could get away with it, that would be a DANDY idea! And you are absolutely correct... I could test out the capacity of my trunk space. Good point! ::wanders off to find a map for a good location for body dumping::
LemonStand...I read this whole thing with so much terror dancing in my head.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, that was one of the best pieces I have ever wished I had written. "Mr. Murphy..." Nice touch!
You actually drew me in to the moment...I could see my own place swirling down with rats, and an empty pantry, etc.
I was truly captivated by the "combat zone" you found yourself in.
But, as you responded in the comments, I see that things are not so dire. Whew! You really had me on edge here...
I reckon Hubby will be home soon, and the flood waters shall abate.
Dang...you really had me going there for a while...
Hope that map leads to a bayou. With alligators. Best place for dumping bodies.
ReplyDeleteNot that I know anything about that. Really. I don't. Honest.
Just don't send Murphy down here...maybe he'll float on out to the Atlantic...
Hang in there, and bless your hearts!
Man oh man... you did that so well. Next time though, don't send him to my house. I have had enough of him already. Loved the story. Hope you dry up soon.
ReplyDeleteSee? Air Force Guy was gone when we got Snowmaggedon, and your husband managed to know in advance that the entire Northeast was going to flood.
ReplyDeleteHow DO they schedule those deployments and TDYs so perfectly?
*shaking head*
Obviously you're stressed! but this made me laugh:
ReplyDelete"Do I have a what? Oh, a snack. I thought you said ax."
Ahahahah AHHAHAHH ahahhaha
and LOL @ Ambers comment! Put that new trunk to good use!