Stuck Thoughts...

You know when you get a song stuck in your head, that you can't seem to get rid of? Well, I seem to be having the same problem with this frustration only it's a rerun of an old conversation that I dreamed about last night.  It's not like it's an important posit.  Definitely not Nobel Prize kind of subject. Doesn't seem to matter. If my subconscious is trying to tell me something, I sure haven't got a clue... Maybe it means I should go buy a shovel and dig a hole. If so, it's gonna be a long wait!

“When Chinese kids go out in their back yards, and they start to dig a hole, do their Mothers yell out the back door for them to stop digging a hole to America? Do they use a shovel made in the USA?” ~ by my husband

I'm trying to remember there are more annoying things out there in the world I inhabit and I should be grateful it's not a song like Stayin' Alive or Danger Zone on permanent replay. One must try to look on the bright side of things. (If I tell myself that often enough it will be true... hopefully) I never thought I'd look forward to insomnia before...

QOTD: "Words make you think a thought. Music makes you feel a feeling. A song makes you feel a thought." ~ by  E. Y. Harburg (American Lyricist, Librettist and Song Writer, 1896-1981)

Where The Wild Things Are...

Two of our neighbors came over last night with one of their sons for dinner. Beth and Dan are brave souls who don't mind my family's odd sense of humor.  Probably because our kids shared the same bus stop together since Preschool. Come to think of it, it was rather tame for our dinner table.

It was still a lot of fun so we need to get together more often. They seem to be either desensitized to our family's dinner conversation or they just  have the same warped sense of humor. (I'm leaning towards the latter)

Last night we got to talking about our kids, college and survival in the jungle of teenagers.  One of the subjects that came up was "Daddy's Laws of Life" and I just couldn't remember them all but found them in a previous post that led me down memory lane to 14 Aug 2010 and thought I'd share the chuckles:

If It's True That You Learn Everything You Need To Know In Kindergarten...

My husband is probably going to be irritated with me and the kids are probably going to say I didn't remember the event correctly, as always, but I just have to write the memory as I remember it down for posterity's sake.

As any parent with teenagers can tell you, when your offspring attains the age of about 12 (if you have not already scheduled their demise) your child revisits the developmental stage of the terrible two's, but this time around it includes added bonuses.  For girls, it's PMS.  For boys, it's testosterone poisoning.  Trust me on this.

So it is not any wonder that there was a particular day in which I needed my husband for a little tag team parenting.  The eldest three were behaving like hard core toddlers and I wanted him to talk to them sternly.

So off the kids go for a ride with their father so that he could advise them on the 'gravity' of the situation (and I could get a little peace and quiet while the youngest was playing with a friend).

A while later, they all came back and instead of the subdued children I had expected, they were smiling, laughing and teasing each other.  

Before I could question my husband on just what had occurred on this ride, our daughter, Danielle, beamed at me as she said, "You don't have to worry, Mommy.  Daddy explained the four Laws of Life and we now understand them all." 

The other kids, looking just as happy as Danielle, were nodding their heads vigorously as their sister informed me of their new found knowledge.

Knowing my husband, who, at the time, was standing a little behind them trying to look like his halo wasn't choking him (in my opinion), I immediately knew that something had gone awry in my intended communication with the kids.  I'm sure my eyes, almost instantly, started to narrow.  Seeing that I was not looking real happy with the situation, the kids hurried to explain the Laws of Life and their meanings... according to Daddy.

"One, Never break more than one law at a time.  So if we were able to drive and had a tail light that was busted, we shouldn't speed."

"Two, Never bring along a camera if you are going to break the law.  That one was easy to understand so we didn't really need an explanation for that one."

"Three, Never try to understand someone else's 'kink'.  So we should just accept people the way they are even if we do think they are a little strange."

"Four, Never date your friend's spouses or girlfriends/boyfriends.  This is just not acceptable behavior and could get you into a LOT of trouble so it is just best to avoid the situation."

By this time I am staring at my husband who had been correcting the wording in their recitation of these laws as they were uttered. I had to laugh and just walk away.

 Defeated. 

At the time, I remember thinking that if it was true that you learn everything you need to know in Kindergarten, just what then, was my husband's Kindergarten class like?  With him in it?

Truthfully, though, we did teach our kids more than to just find humor where ever you can find it.  My husband and I are very proud of all of our kids and we wouldn't sell any of them... even on the bad days... even if someone offered us more than ten cents a pound...

If you have not bought, 'All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten' by Robert Fulghum, you really need to.  Especially if you have kids.  Especially if you have two year olds... or teenagers... or husbands...

     (see below the page line if you would like to read the passage from the book in which this post was consulted)

Black Holes And Universes...

Recently it came to me that almost all of our children have really grown up and instead of being participants in their lives, my husband and I are now merely spectators. I don't feel like we're old enough to have all our children grown yet. Still, I've come to an undeniable truth I didn't know when we started our wonderful and quirky family so many years ago:

"Children are like your own personal black hole that will eat up all your money, all your energy, all your patience, all your soul and your very life and you sometimes wonder why you wanted them... and then one day, you look inside that black hole and you realize that it is not black, nor is it empty, but instead it is now a whole new breathtakingly beautiful, awe inspiring universe just waiting to be explored." ~ by Lemon Stand

Loretta Lou And The Logistics Of Selling Your Kids On Ebay...

A few years back I was reading another favorite blog of mine, Just Another Snarky Wife. Her post was about her husband coming home after being deployed and doing the happy snoopy dance.  I laughed and cried reading this post.  But the one thing that really stuck a chord with me was her theory about how to be a successful Navy spouse. After pondering this theory I now believe it is true for any spouse, single parent or caregiver (regardless of military affiliation), that has one of those days.  You know the kind I'm talking about...

"I have a theory: The successful Navy spouse is the one who can paste a cheery smile on her face even though she's working out the logistics of selling the kids on eBay, ditching the house, finding a job at a truck stop restaurant in Podunk, Arizona, and changing her name to Loretta Lou. Okay, it's not a theory so much as an intense desire to know I've hit some type of marker of success. /snort"

That was just too funny a definition to pass up passing it on!  Please read the entire post, I've linked it here (and on her blog name above)

QOTD: "I have always believed that writing advertisements is the second most profitable form of writing. The first, of course, is ransom notes..." ~ Philip Dusenberry

The Lemon Stand Pep Talk...

Our daughter, Nicole, is about to graduate from cosmetology school with far better grades than she has ever had. I suspect this is because it is something that she really likes to do (and having 4 other sisters to practice on over the years probably didn't hurt).  Although it seems a little strange at first to have my hair done at home, I think I can honestly say that I could get used to the perks of having a daughter willing to do this for me and especially where I don't have to wait for an opening at the hairdressers (and I think Nicole appreciates the fact that I still pay her the going rates because she does still have student loans to pay off).  All of our kids have learning weaknesses and Nicole is no exception, but she has discovered her niche and overcome a lot to achieve her success.  She has worked hard and I have no doubt that she will attain whatever goal she chooses next to pursue.  I also have no doubt that she will always be successful by using this same formula of success that is uniquely Nicoles'. We could not be more proud of her.

Our daughter Rachel has started to receive college acceptance letters for art schools along with some very nice dean's scholarships for her high grade point average.  There is no doubt she is extremely talented. She has worked very hard to get where she is, although some might think her dyslexia is a major weakness, her cleverness in getting around it is one of her major strengths along with an extremely impressive work ethic. We have never had to get on her about homework.  (I have no idea where this gene she got came from. I certainly cannot claim the same drive to succeed that she has) In fact, she puts us to shame as parents in not asking often enough if she needs any help or encouragement to achieve and remain at the level she has elevated herself to.  She has done this on her own.  

How successful? Well, if you happen to be in Boston for the next month or so, some of her artwork is being shown publicly with others that have won honors with their artistic abilities from the Boston Globe's Annual Art and Writing Contest. One of her works will continue on to the national level in New York City.  (She obviously did not get this gene directly from her father or I, although her Aunt Laurie is very artistically gifted. I also see the irony in the first school to accept her was the same school my father turned down a full ride art scholarship to.)

I want to mention that our daughters Danielle and Nina are no less successful for wanting to take time off from school to figure out what direction they want to pursue. Sometimes, knowing when to take a step back and look at the big picture of where you are and where you want to be, is the best first step in figuring out how to get there.  Many people get to this point and stop indefinitely. The trick is to not give up.  Figuring out a goal and then working out how to achieve it is one of the hardest lessons in life and the harder it is to achieve, the more it is appreciated when you've arrived.  Ladies, we are no less impressed and proud of all you have done to this point.  Don't lose hope or belief in yourselves.  Keep telling yourself that you can be discouraged tomorrow after you have turned the next corner to see what it holds and if it is not all you hoped for, then keep putting one foot in front of the other because another corner is just up ahead.  You can only lose in life if you give up and if you feel you are close to that line, you need only ask yourself if you really want to give up all your hopes and dreams based on what has already happened or is it worth it to you to keep trying, no matter what.

To all of our daughters. Life is all about brick walls and how you handle them. If you come to a roadblock, you are lucky.  Roadblocks mean that you are learning and growing and gaining the knowledge necessary to learn how to get past them.  This is a good thing.  Don't ever look at a dead end as the end.  It is, only if you let it be.  It isn't, if you don't let it be. It is only a lesson, so learn it and move on.  Those who are successful look back on all those lessons as the foundation of steps it took to get to where they wanted to be.  Keep on stepping lively.  You DO have what it takes to reach for a dream and make it come true.

There have been many times in my life when I wished I had had my own cheering section. To have learned these lessons of success before I hit my 40s.  Alas, I have learned that you are never too old to make one's dreams come true or to learn that if you are making mistakes that it is a good thing, because it means that you are trying. If I never teach you anything else, the lesson I hope you all learn is that you can only fail in life if you don't try. I can guarantee it won't be easy, but I can also guarantee it will be worth it.

Our Family, Monty Python And The Quick Exit...

Carrie, Nina, Danielle, Rachel at Sunday Dinner

As always, Sunday dinner was fabulous. Danielle (insists she) won an argument with her father, a rarity for anyone in this household. They were discussing Monty Python and Danielle took exception to his saying that Monty Python's The Meaning of Life was not a sketch comedy film when it clearly was. Her father still insists that it is not. (clearly, we don't get too much of the innocent questions of childhood anymore)

I am considered an odd duck in our family because:

a.) I have never gotten the humor of Monty Python so I don't like Monty Python (a familial blasphemy apparently)

b.) I have no idea what a comedy sketch film IS (and not really interested in finding out) as I get my comedy on a daily basis from my family and am ok with this.


c.) I tend to save all my sallies for family book critiques which get pretty in depth and I am always considered on the wrong side of the debate. Danielle tends to win these more often than the rest of us.

Although I think it's a moot point to me, the conversation was riveting as Danielle has such an expressive face and tends to be wonderfully passionate in defense of anything that means anything to her. Her father on the other hand, has the straight man's face down pat. That, and the fact that he usually does not open his mouth unless he's pretty sure of something, which tends to make him seem like he's always right. He isn't always right (he's male, after all), but sometimes it just looks like he is.

At this point, Erin abandons us because homework is less embarrassing than subject matter and the deliverability talents of the members of our family. (In other words, it's not necessarily what is said so much as to how it is inclined to be delivered)

First Case in point:

Husband: "My Mother was the most cleverest person I've ever known." (True fact. She was the the most amazingly cleverest person I've ever known. I still really miss her.)

Husband: "If I were stranded on a desert island, I would want my Mother to be with me. Her or Dora the Explorer."

Me: **blink**

Rachel: "Dora the Explorer?"

Husband, (who has been waiting for Rachel to ask): "Yeah. That bitch had everything in her backpack!" [thankfully my husband doesn't normally talk like this, so I said nothing]

Rachel: "Dora the Explorer?"

Husband: "Well, go watch her sometime and see what she takes out that thing!"

At this point I walk away.

Second case in point: 

Some months ago, my husband took the kids to Chilli's one night after our family meeting (Euphemistically speaking, our family therapy sessions. Some of the kids do not even live at home but we always try to make time for our family meeting and then go out to eat after it. Hey, we don't mess with what seems to work.)

I was sick at the time and so I was at home in bed and was not there to... mediate, shall we say, the conversation in this public restaurant.  I was not even aware of this incident until I suggested we go to Chilli's one night after our gathering and was met with some red faces, stammering and then finally,

Rachel: "We can't ever go back there."

I should not have been surprised, but I was.

Me: "You guys got kicked out of Chilli's?"

Husband: "Ummm, not exactly."

Me: "Not exactly?"

Now I knew it was bad, "Just what did you do to not exactly get kicked out of Chilli's?"

Husband, "We didn't get kicked out of Chilli's...... exactly.... We chose to leave." 

Me: "You chose to leave. Huh." 

*waiting expectantly*

Nobody wanted to give any further information. There was a lot of red faces, general mumbling and embarrassed coughs. Now I really had wanted to know what they'd done because my mind can imagine an awful lot when it comes to the ability of my family to get into trouble, but at this point I realized I wasn't going to get much more out of any of them, which told me exactly how disappointed in them all I should be, husband included. Husband especially. 

I never did get the entire story out of any of them, but as near as I can figure it, my wonderfully warm and friendly family sat in a booth, surrounded by other patrons, including a family right behind them.  Conversation slipped it's leash in this public setting and they were loudly obnoxious, laughing about something in which every member of my family (husband included) had an opinion about and just had to voice one-upmanship as if they were at home around our own dinner table. (My husband was right... we are raising social hyenas)

It sounded as if this show of wit (witlessness) apparently lasted a while and new depths of how low my family's conversation can get (they get this from their Father) were apparently achieved. Anyway, at some point they must have realized how loud they were and noticed the attention they were garnering (I can just picture the slack jaws and horrified expressions of the other diners). I guess by this time, they could tell that the poor unlucky family sitting behind them was very uncomfortable.  My husband at least had the grace to look embarrassed and ashamed for allowing things to get that far as he told me this. He told me realization dawned somewhere around this time and they decided they should leave as fast as the bill was paid. Then they all agreed to never go back. (I'm sure the other diners and wait-staff would be happy to know this.)

I write about this now because when the subject somehow came up at dinner Sunday night, Danielle finally said, "The only thing I can remember about that conversation now was that we were debating that some name sounded like it should belong to a stripper." 

I've decided that I really don't want to know anymore. I've also decided that my family is banned from dining at any restaurant unless I am with them.  Let's see, all of the kids with the exception of the youngest who is a young adult, are all 18 years old or older and they are all grounded until further notice.  

I thought kids (and husband) were all supposed to grow up.  You know?  Become a responsible adult like their father... ok, well I can see where the logic in that thought process went wrong... (Just for the record, I'm only joking about my husband. He is usually the voice of reason outside of the house with me coming up with the bird-brained ideas)

To be fair, after this experience I think (hope) they will all think twice about where they are and what kind of audience they have. I don't have to worry that it will happen again after all the red faces and the refusals to talk about it.  They looked truly repentant. They had been horrid. There is no doubt in my mind. Still, this will go down in our family history as a humorous dud that was not repeated. (Or else!)

Breakfast at The Lemon Stand Household...

Husband (yelling up the stairs), "Erin your breakfast is getting cold!"

Erin, "I'M COMING!!!!"

 Husband "Hey! You don't yell at me. Go back upstairs and read your kid manual. It states that very clearly."

**roll of eyes** 

Danielle, "I just wish there really were a kid's manual."

Husband, “There is.  It’s one page and it says two things.  Shut up.  And listen.  Oh, and pick up your crap.”

Nicole, "That's three things."

Husband, "See the first two rules."

QOTD: "No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal." Bill Cosby

(Originally posted 5 Dec 2007)

Life Lesson...

I recently had a talk with one of our daughters that has turned out to be one of those conversations that will forever remain etched into my brain.

Bad things happen to good people. We perceive what, through our eyes, we envy in others and that is their endless blessings and their seeming idiocy in taking them all for granted.  We do not see with their eyes, nor do they see with ours.  My grandfather once told me to never judge another until you've walked a mile in their shoes and have seen life through their eyes. In other words, do not envy what you know nothing about, no matter how it looks from the outside looking in.

By the same token, do not put what you perceive as a cushion of safety and distance around yourself to keep you safe from possibly being hurt by others who could do so or let you down lest you tar everyone with the same brush and push away what could have become your greatest blessings and source of strength if you had only been brave enough to let them in. Bravery is not being unafraid, it is being afraid and trying anyway because the reason for it is that important and to not give up. The ONLY way you will fail at ANYTHING in life is to stop trying.

Not all people will let you down. Will some of them? Of course! Will YOU let someone down? Of course! Will you always let someone down?  That is for you to decide for you must also reach out and give the love, friendship and hope everyone needs to thrive and be happy in order to receive it.

Nobody controls everything in their lives, we don't even control most things and as children, we control even less.  As we age we begin to learn to control the only thing we truly can change and that is our own reactions to the events of the life we are living and have lived and those people around us. Make a difference in someone else's life in order to make a difference in your own.

I believe that all things happen for a reason and also that we can't always see the reason for it. If we could know all that would happen in our future, there would be no new beginning in every sunrise. No joy to be discovered with each new day, no satisfaction of a job well done or a difference made at the end of every new night.

Do not look on your past as if you are the moon that has been pitted and marred by those things that have hit and hurt it.  See instead the hand and chisel of a talented sculptor who still chips away at the rough edges to reveal the strength and beauty that awaits inside the lump of rock to yet be revealed.

QOTD: "I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free." ~ Michelangelo

Family Questionnaire...

What member(s) of your family have learned, can understand, know where to find, know how to use, can identify or keep secret the exact nature of or reason for each of the following?

~ Why it is important to NOT use dish soap in a dishwasher...

~ Why it IS important to use laundry detergent when attempting to clean clothes... (and why putting twice the recommended amount will NOT get your clothes any cleaner... quite the opposite)

~ Why the exact location of emergency medical information, including everyone's allergies, medical conditions and current medication is important for all family members to know... and why your remaining lifespan will be measured in minutes if you share with your friends what your brother is REALLY taking those antibiotics for or that your father has a supply of BLUE pills in his medicine cabinet...

~ Where the remote controls to all the various electronic devices within your home can be found and why it is NOT 'he who hold's the remote control rules the world', but rather 'she who knows where she hid the batteries has attained true world dominance'...

~ How to change an empty toilet paper roll and why you should try to excel in the fine use of this skill before YOU end up being literally caught with your pants down...

~ What a bill is, why it must be paid and why bills multiply exponentially faster than rabbits when YOU are the one responsible for paying them...

~ What a toilet brush looks like, knowing which end of the toilet brush is most useful for it's intended purpose and why brandishing it like Luke Skywalker's light saber is not a good idea...

~ What the exact reason is why one should always fill up a gas tank when borrowing someone's car... even if they don't ask you to... and extend your life expectancy by paying any parking tickets you may have incurred while using said vehicle...

~ Why pantyhose is almost as useful as duct tape and why it's a good thing to have on hand, regardless of one's fashion preferences or gender...

~ What is a good sense of humor and why is it that the best quips and comebacks only occur to you when you are alone and there's no one to share your wit with...

~ Why your Mother is NOT your maid...  unless you are paying for her medical insurance, taxes, 401K, unemployment insurance, vacation days, over time and hazardous duty pay...

It is my personal belief that offspring don't learn how to pray until they move out and start opening bills addressed to them... that's when they learn the beginning of most prayers, "Oh my God!"

Notes Confirming Life As We Know It Is Back To Normal...

Although I have not been able to do much in the way of blogging this past week, I have been gathering various sticky notes, note pads and receipts that I tend to write on, to capture wonderful family moments. Note to self: make notes more descriptive so I can be more accurate in the details.

I cannot remember exactly when my husband was talking to Erin, but it was not too long after he first got home.  The conversation went something like this (see above note to self about notes):

Husband, "Remind me NEVER to go to war with you. I can hear you now:"

"I can't go into that foxhole, it's too dirty."

"Whoa! Time Out!!! My pack is too heavy, I couldn't possibly be expected to carry it AND march, hike or whatever."

"But, I don't know how to set up a tent... Come to think of it though, we're Air Force... we can just call room service, right?"

Husband, "And if you were a superhero? Your power would be whining at the bad guys until they died just to get away from you."

"Your superhero alias would be Goldilocks:"

"My porridge is too hot. My porridge is too cold..."

Erin, "I really hate you right about now."

QOTD: "Newspaper ad:  Hiring clowns, must be serious." ~ Unknown

More Than Just A Litmus Paper Test...

Glass Half Empty... Wow! The husband has gone back to work and my Honey-Do List is not quite finished.

Glass Half Full... Wow! The husband has gone back to work, there's only one thing left on the Honey-Do List and this week is even shaping up to be a STELLAR week!  How do I know this?  Well, I'm not roadkill yet... :)

QOTD: "I am thankful for laughter... except when milk comes out of my nose." ~ Woody Allen

PS As I was looking for my quote of the day, I ran across an article about teaching the importance of laughter that I wish I had read when my children were small (this author and our family must be living in a similar universe. You'll notice I did not say 'same', as our conversations are definitely more bizarre considering the teen/ young adult status of our offspring).  Not that I think it is too late, mind you, but perhaps my husband's dry wit might have been a little wetter on occasion with a little help from me. Must ponder on how to implement this change... how hard could it be? **Please forgive the unladylike SNORT** Suggestions are welcome in the comments!

Humor To Lighten The Load...

I'm not doing 'serious' today, therefore I look to the wisdom of children. (I remember I was thinking of Mrs. Who when I first read these.) Can't remember where or when I came across this, but it's perfect for a day like today.  :)

Kids are pretty smart. Who said children are getting dumber every year? Check out the wisecracks below (along with the person in my family it most closely reminds me of) and judge for yourselves:

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.  (Nicole)

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George! (Danielle)

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me! (Danielle)

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are. (I can soooo see my husband saying this as a kid!  It reminds me of his manners...)  :)

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." (Nina)

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card. (This sounds a lot like Rachel) :)

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher...snakes don't have feet. (Erin)

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any. (This would be my husband's reply)

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." (This would again be Rachel... I love her memorable 'lovely semi-colon'.)

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money. (Erin)

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other,what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands! (This would be Nina)

I have now officially lost track of the amount of emergencies and adventures this family has had since my husband deployed (most of which will never grace this blog).  I'm beginning to feel hunted.  Now if you just can't stand not being a rubbernecker at the scene of the accident, look below the fold line, but I'll tell everyone else that if you want a safe car... get a Sonata! This is the third (and final) hit this car has taken since October 2011 and we all walked away just a little dinged (Nina, Erin and I).  As you can see from these pictures and the ones taken in October, this car has now saved five of our family member's lives. The second hit was a hit and run the week after my husband left... along with all three cars dying that same week of mechanical failures. After a very LONG list of life events that you never expected, you can see why I'd rather listen to the kids.  :)

The Military PTSD Family...

Although military related PTSD is a huge part of my family's life, I rarely blog about it here.  I'm not absolutely silent about it but this is my place for making lemonade and on the average, most lemons are commonplace lemons.  PTSD is NOT an average or easily handled lemon.  PTSD is a very hard subject for me to face on a daily basis so it is hard for me to write of it.  I write posts in a journal fashion to find a positive point, frame of reference or personal compass direction to my personal life.  I have accepted that my life will never be 'normal', but I have learned be thankful for the little things in life.  Is my life the laugh riot it sometimes seems to be here on my blog? Of course not.

Writing about this part of our lives is extremely painful.  It is a lot to deal with and I have to remind myself often to NOT look at the big picture but to live life moment by moment. However, after reading a post over on SpouseBUZZ, a blog for military spouses and families, I decided that there IS a lot of positive things that have come out of my family's experiences and that it might give hope for some veteran or veteran's family member who are on a part of this road my family has already traveled.  For that reason, I've decided to share my current lemonade recipe.  Current recipe?  Well, yes.  Life is all about change and so the recipe is always adjusting to it.  And no.  I did NOT learn that overnight.  I did not live it for even longer.

I do NOT have any easy answers. Nothing worthwhile in life comes easy, at least I've found that's been very true for me.  This recipe is not some carefully laid out plan to having a happier life for someone who has PTSD (or for their families). Unfortunately (or fortunately depending upon how you look at it) there are some paths you must travel alone to learn from how and where they lead you.

Each and every member of a military member's family serves with the military member and that is an extremely hard concept for 99+ percent of the American population to wrap their minds around. Why? Because LESS than ONE percent are serving in the military today.  Military members can't do what they do without their families. To know the entire family is taking care of the home front whether or not the service member is deployed or not is critical as they work and relate as a unit. A family unit. Those same family members pay a price that is rarely acknowledged. It's hard enough to get help for a veteran with PTSD, getting help for the families, spouses and children is even harder.  In my opinion, an entire military family should be given the opportunity of both individual and family counseling WITHOUT having to get to the point of critical mass before something can be done!

Any wound, visible or not has an enormous effect on the entire family.  A diagnosis of PTSD brings with it the stigmatized 'Flipped Out' behavior attached to it. I am a veteran with PTSD and our entire family has experienced of the inequality of treatment by the general population at large (and within the VA). Once the diagnosis is revealed, for any reason, to a person or entity we often receive the "Oh my God, is this person or a member of their family going to go postal? We don't want to have to deal with the possibility or liability" and you are immediately discouraged, turned away, or flat out denied any kind of relationship to the individual or entity. Is that fair? No. Does it happen? With all too much frequency.

So this recipe begins with a lot of lemons... For about six years I rarely left my house, I did not even have a driver's license because I felt I couldn't LEAVE my house.  Has it gotten better?  Yes.  Why? I finally got a LOT of the help I needed from the right people within, and outside of, the Veteran's Administration.  How much better has it gotten? I can not define what PTSD is like for others, but for me, it had been tearing me and my family apart and we all still have bad days... and nights.  But I HAVE gotten out of my house.  I DO have a valid driver's license now.  Our family has learned and continues to learn how to survive and find a little peace and happiness.

After the first step of getting me some intensive help (for many years) I still felt like a hamster that went on vacation.  The wheel was still spinning, but I wasn't really there.  I was overwhelmed, which I've discovered is a trigger for me.  What is a trigger?  It's something specific that sets off a chain reaction of feelings and actions.  Being overwhelmed for me tends to give me panic attacks that only acerbate the rest of the alphabet soup of medical names for side effects from PTSD.  We have five daughters and I could see the damage from my conditions that left them feeling depressed.  Their feelings of worthlessness, helplessness to control anything in their lives.  I was supposed to be giving them a solid foundation to build belief in themselves and their abilities.  I knew I was failing them, my husband and myself on all fronts.

I couldn't help any of them.  I didn't even know where to start.  My personal therapist recommended going to family therapy.  The reaction of the kids pegged the 'not until Hell freezes over' meter.  I think our youngest was about ten at the time and our eldest was about 17.  After talking it over at length with my husband, I started dragging (and I DO mean mentally DRAGGING!) the kids and we would meet their father at the therapist's office after he got out of work.  Six times.  Once a week.  For six VERY long weeks.  I grew to LOATHE that day of the week.  

It was absolutely horrendous. They did NOT want to go. They did NOT see how it was helping, after all, just getting in the car was just one argument and fight after another. So on that sixth session, I announced that I was through dragging anyone, anywhere.  I was done.  They were right.  The stress of getting everyone even into the car was so negative that a one hour appointment could not overcome it.  

Our wonderful therapist explained to our family that this takes time to see any results.  She was just getting a feel for the family dynamics and we were all learning HOW to hold a conversation in which we ALL had a chance to be heard.  She named off some specific things the kids were peeved with each other and my husband and I.  She then asked each of them individually if they wanted to have a place where they had the right to air ANY grievance without the fear of reprisal.  That they would actually have a vote in finding a solution the entire family could live with.  My husband and I had to agree that we would agree to anything that had a fair majority vote. 

Well, I guess that got their interest enough that everyone was willing to try to improve our home life by giving family therapy at least thirteen sessions.  On the thirteenth, we would vote to see who still wanted to come and who didn't.  Nobody would have to come if they didn't want to.  The kids all decided that they were each willing to give it a little more time. My husband and I agreed to allow their decision to stand without any negative impact.  For the next seven weeks, we all worked on a specific problem for each week and then reported back how we each felt the solution chosen was working.  As an example, one of the earliest problems tackled was the complaint of being responsible for their own breakfast and evening dishes.   After a week of this, none of us were satisfied with the results.  Dishes were still magically appearing used and not taken care of.  So one of the kids suggested we all get a set of different colored dishes and you could only use the ones that were yours.  After this vote, we went and picked out different dishes at Pier One.  This seemed to work a lot better for quite a while... (we have all had to agree that we ALL have gotten the lazy gene so sometimes we really have to still work on this)

Week thirteen came and all agreed to keep coming because each of us were able to express what was bothering us the most without (mostly) any interruption.   The therapist basically plays referee and ensures we abide by certain rules of engagement.  She will sometimes start with a question, ask how our week went, did anyone have anything they really wanted to get off their chest.  We started going to dinner after the appointment because we got out so late. That was four years ago and we are still going even though three of our elder daughters have started college and jobs now. If for some reason one or more can't make it, the rest still go.  In a family of 7, we've had the occasional two or three member meetings.  We've all found there are benefits to this.  So we now all look forward to this time. It's our family time and after the 'family meeting' we go out for what has come to be a very wonderful and happy time.  Dinner or an ice cream cone and then home with a much lighter feeling.

This has by no means solved all our family problems, but it HAS taught us a lot about each person and how to communicate in a way that does not instantly push a particular family member's buttons.  My personal therapy has improved.  I think because there is a little less stress in all of our lives.  We all feel that there ARE a few things that we actually got RIGHT.  There is nothing like a little success every now and then to keep you hopeful.  I totally believe that life is NOT about the destination.  NO ONE is guaranteed another day, hour or minute.  It's what you do with the time that you have been given that will make all the difference to your life, and eventually, the biggest difference for all those important people in your life that you will someday have to leave behind. 

The Most Important Things in Life... Aren't Things...

Teaching a child to count isn't as important as teaching a child what counts. 

Google seriously let me down on the attribution of this one, but it made up for it by also finding: "There are two lasting bequests we can give our children: One is roots, the other is wings." ~ Hodding Carter

Note To Self...

The following post is a repost... only I must remember that when watching movies with certain members of our family, it is like having Siskel and Ebert in your living room... Oh, and we had KFC again tonight for dinner...

The Only Reason We Buy Video Games...

My husband hunted and gathered for our dinner tonight and brought home KFC.  For dinner and entertainment, we sat with our youngest daughter Erin and commented on daughter Danielle's performance of the video game, Nathan Drake's Uncharted.  A truly wonderful family moment between the chicken leg through the mash potatoes and gravy.  Normally I'd say it was a Kodak moment but the narration reigned supreme.

Erin, "You're supposed to shoot him."

Danielle, "Shut up."

Erin, "You're supposed to kill him with the grenade."

Danielle, "Shut up."

Me, "Huh, what's this game called?"

Danielle, whilst shooting her way through a dungeon, "Nathan Drake's Uncharted.  He's supposed to be a descendant of Sir Francis Drake. Nathan Fillion wants to play him in a movie."

Me, "Really? Does HE know how to shoot that weapon with any accuracy?"

Danielle, "Shut up."

Me, "The shooting doesn't look very realistic."

Erin, "Neither does the blood spatter."

Me, "Neither does the bullet count from that particular weapon, but at least he has his stance right."

Danielle, "Do you want to see what real blood spatter look like?"

Husband, "We should take her to Paris... Island."

Me, "Hey, Danielle.  Do you want to be a marine?"

Danielle, "No,"

Husband, "That's probably best.  You're shooting's not very accurate."

Danielle, "Shut up." 

Husband, "Well at least Justin Timberlake has gone up in my estimation."

Me, "You saw that, too? His Marine Corps Ball post?"

Husband, "Yeah.  Hey Danielle.  The marine corps could show you just how to use that grenade launcher.  You sure you don't want to reconsider your options?"

Danielle, "NO."

Erin, "You're supposed to shoot him.  He's not supposed to shoot you."

Danielle, "You're going to get shown violence up close and personal."

Me, "He's fading out.  Is he feinting? He's feinting.  Is he SUPPOSED to do that?"

Danielle, "Just GIVE me a minute!"

Erin, "You're dead."

Danielle, "So are you if you don't shut up!"

Me, "Well.  This has been entertaining, but it's time to go find something more heart palpitating. Like the Loo."

Plus the added bonus to have blog fodder.  All in all.  Another successful family dinner at casa de Lemon.  Still, I must put a caveat, because the girls give me crap about not having a photographic verbal memory.  Wording is never EXACTLY correct. It's true.  But do you REALLY want me to start recording dinner time conversation? No?  Then life is good!  :)

The Holiday Tradition Swap...

I know it is not even Thanksgiving, but I wanted you to get a chance to ruminate on this and perhaps start a new tradition for the holidays, when ever you choose to start your own personal season.  This post will stay at the top of my blog because I love to hear about other people's traditions and hope that you will share yours with me and others. Feel free to steal any of our ideas and post your tradition in the comments or with a back link. Think of it like a cookie swap.... This is my yearly Holiday Tradition swap. :o) Have fun!!!!

Michael, over on the blog The Wonderful World Of Nothing Worthwhile, wrote a post about his feelings about the holiday spirit of Christmas.  In our house we have developed several family traditions regarding Christmas spirit. Both, I think, because there was little money and sometimes, family members were deployed by the military.

The Only Reason We Buy Video Games...

My husband hunted and gathered for our dinner tonight and brought home KFC.  For dinner and entertainment, we sat with our youngest daughter Erin and commented on daughter Danielle's performance of the video game, Nathan Drake's Uncharted.  A truly wonderful family moment between the chicken leg through the mash potatoes and gravy.  Normally I'd say it was a Kodak moment but the narration reigned supreme.

Erin, "You're supposed to shoot him."
Danielle, "Shut up."
Erin, "You're supposed to kill him with the grenade."
Danielle, "Shut up."
Me, "Huh, what's this game called?"
Danielle, whilst shooting her way through a dungeon, "Nathan Drake's Uncharted.  He's supposed to be a descendant of Sir Francis Drake. Nathan Fillion wants to play him in a movie."
Me, "Really? Does HE know how to shoot that weapon with any accuracy?"
Danielle, "Shut up."
Me, "The shooting doesn't look very realistic."
Erin, "Neither does the blood spatter."
Me, "Neither does the bullet count from that particular weapon, but at least he has his stance right."
Danielle, "Do you want to see what real blood spatter look like?"
Husband, "We should take her to Paris... Island."
Me, "Hey, Danielle.  Do you want to be a marine?"
Danielle, "No,"
Husband, "That's probably best.  You're shooting's not very accurate."
Danielle, "Shut up." 
Husband, "Well at least Justin Timberlake has gone up in my estimation."
Me, "You saw that, too? His Marine Corps Ball post?"
Husband, "Yeah.  Hey Danielle.  The marine corps could show you just how to use that grenade launcher.  You sure you don't want to reconsider your options?"
Danielle, "NO."
Erin, "You're supposed to shoot him.  He's not supposed to shoot you."
Danielle, "You're going to get shown violence up close and personal."
Me, "He's fading out.  Is he feinting? He's feinting.  Is he SUPPOSED to do that?"
Danielle, "Just GIVE me a minute!"
Erin, "You're dead."
Danielle, "So are you if you don't shut up!"
Me, "Well.  This has been entertaining, but it's time to go find something more heart palpitating. Like the Loo."

Plus the added bonus to have blog fodder.  All in all.  Another successful family dinner at casa de Lemon.  Still, I must put a caveat, because the girls give me crap about not having a photographic verbal memory.  Wording is never EXACTLY correct. It's true.  But do you REALLY want me to start recording dinner time conversation? No?  Then life is good!  :)

Parental School Of Selective Properties...

I never took physics in school, but the parental classroom has been a wonderful education all on it's own.  I've learned, for instance, the properties of, including, but not in any way limited to:

liquid on diapers...  the diaper package didn't say 24-50 lbs load...

liquid on diapers...  rate of use rises in direct proportion to the number of diapers you have on hand (fifteen minutes PAST the close of the closest store)...

rate of effect and strength of absorption on long term memory... includes every single word of the things you wish had never passed your lips...

rate of effect and strength of absorption on short term memory... excludes all things associated with what a child was supposed to do for you when the payoff isn't immediate (oh, and get everything in writing. Anything else is apparently affected by the above properties of memory on your own feeble, aged mind to remember anything when it is the least advantageous to you and not advantageous to your teenager)...

rate of effect and strength of absorption on short term memory... includes all things associated with chores...

selective deafness... on children being called to the breakfast table...

selective muteness... to being down to the last three squares of toilet paper on a roll or the last two tablespoons of milk....

selective blindness... to the dirt they are tracking across your just washed floor...

time... it flies when you don't have it ...

time... flies whether you're having fun or not...

teenagers... any value a monetary unit has, will always have been researched (with bibliography) in advance of request... their term paper has not (been researched, that is)...

silence... is NOT golden when you have toddlers...

illness... dying and well on their way to the death... until the school bus pulls away or before a snow day has been called...

perseverance... absent when it involves any kind of activity that looks like it might include work...

perseverance... when one parent doesn't produce the desired results, then try the other parent, or a Grandpa or anyone within the family hierarchic connections...

inclusion... all things within the house and yard belong to the house (not specifically to the parents) and everyone in it.  Hence, it's okay to use, lose, use up, damage, give away or take without specific permission anything you like (I could swear I have bought, looked upon, picked up, washed, fed, heard and/or felt every single thing on our property... this permission of use is not in any way given or implied anywhere that I have been able to find. Must make note to either find a good lawyer or pay for your child's law school.  Don't worry, they can pass the bar without the schooling but that just might look suspicious. Best to keep these things on the up and up.  After all, honesty is the best policy)... 

choices... kids learn early... always have someone else to blame (this would include the homework your child fed to the dog or cat)...

equal opportunity... only if that means someone else pulled the short straw and the opportunity to annoy one's siblings...

selective deafness, blindness and the absence of feeling of touch... absence of ability detect dishes in the sink, clothes in the washer, clothes in the dryer, the full dishwasher, the empty dishwasher, the toilet seat, dirt in any and all of its forms...

properties and effects of soap and water on a teenager... apparently none...