10 March 2011

Dear Diary...

How good are you at solving puzzles.  I have an unsolvable one.  Cat's, being what they are, are pretty much set on keeping you on schedule when it comes to their meal time.  There are four cats living in this house.  There are five daughters and one husband also living in this house.  There are 17 cat dishes in this house.  (yes, I counted) There is a half empty package of paper plates in a kitchen cabinet in this house.  There is a dishwasher in this house that also has a sufficient quantity of soap to clean every available dish, pot and pan in the house... twice.  There is a garbage disposal with a half filled bag, also in this house...

With all this in mind, the puzzle is thus: Why is it, when I go to feed the cats, there's NOT a clean cat dish available.  The cat dishes are NOT missing, mind you.  They are conspicuously sitting where cat dishes sit when the cats wish to dine.  All 17 of them. (dishes, not cats) (and yes, I counted)  In addition to the aforementioned cat dishes, there are also a half dozen paper plates that have played a rather obvious role of presentation of an item from the cat menu du jour.  I just do NOT get this.  A normal human being has to bend over to place the dish on the floor using their hand and if they move the aforementioned hand just several inches, that hand could pick up the used dining utensil from the floor before standing straight up again.  The trash compactor is three feet away.  The dishwasher is two feet away.  Yet there are 17 dirty cat dishes and 6 used paper plates awaiting my pleasure.  Why?

Since this happened to me (again) this morning, it was with great irony to receive an email from my sister-in-law, Karen (yes, I've outed you), concerning a rather intelligent sounding feline.  It was the intellect that actually caught my attention, because the thought did cross my mind that this cat apparently uses his brain to think and reason... need I continue this train of thought for you or has it already arrived at your train station?
Cat Diary
Day 752    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.  They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.  The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture.  Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
Day 761    Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.  In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair---must try this on their bed (again).
Day 762    Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
Day 765    Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts.  They only coo-ed and condescended about what a good little cat I was....Hmmm.  Not working according to plan.
Day 768    I am finally aware of how sadistic they are.  For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.  This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo".  What sick minds could invent such a liquid.  My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.
Day 771    There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.  I was place in solitary throughout the event.  However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer:.  More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies".  Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
Day 774    I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.  The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.  He is obviously a half-wit.  The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant.  He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly.  I am certain he reports my every move.  Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
 QOTD:  "I have noticed that what cats most appreciate in a human being is not the ability to produce food — which they take for granted — but his or her entertainment value. " ~ Geoffrey Household


  1. In my house, the dirty dishes make it all the way to the TOP of the dishwasher- any further and it would be a miracle with this bunch. The same thing goes wiht DH, he will walk garbage all the way to the counter, right by the garbage can and then place it on the counter top....awaiting others (moi, while slapping my head in digust) to actually complete the task of placing, the garbage in the can.... It seems to be a disease in my house that sometimes my DD catches. Along with the gravatational pull away from the garbage can our house is pretty normal... oh, wait the I reminds EVERT one that if they miraculously do drop stuff into the can, then watch it GO into the can - if the mysterious gravatational forces pull it along side the can, then so sorry, you did not put garbage IN the can. You need to try the "game" again ....

  2. Debbie - OMG... our families must be somehow related! Truly! I have suffered the same behavior in my family and here I thought I was alone in the universe... I wonder how closely related you're husband is related to my HUSBAND's family? I've known you for quite a few years so I am sure it was not passed down from YOUR lineage. :)

  3. The only thing I've found that works...is to do it myself. Dammit.

    But then when someone needs a ride or some money...I tell the story of the Little Red Hen. And cluck like a maniac.

  4. Dammit...that was me, not Lurker. I don't even remember having that account.

  5. Mrs Who, they DO say memory is the second thing to go. Please let me know if you ever figure out what the first thing is. I have yet to remember it myself. :)

    As for the Little Red Hen? That worked wonderfully... BEFORE the kids got older, obtained driver's licenses and vehicles, graduated high school, started college, and suddenly their IQ is at least a hundred points higher than their parents. Go figure?

    Still, since my IQ has apparently dropped sharply, I've forgotten how to cook for them, wash clothes and towels, clean their bathroom, shop for their personal care items or leave reminders of appointments and deadlines. There also seems to have been a sharp decrease of edible items they love to eat (fresh homemade bread, scones, pies, cookies, blueberry and chocolate chip pancakes, strawberry waffles with whipped cream, cinnamon french toast, enchiladas etc) and an increase of healthy food which it seems they are adverse to (ie fresh vegetables, legumes, anything not made from a box etc). Go figure? ;P


Contents from normal neural synapsis goes here....
Should unnatural neural synapsis occur? Take one cherry chocolate Hershey Kiss and carry on.
Should NO neural synapsis occur? Take two full strength chocolate Hershey Kisses and
try again in the morning.