The Quilting Zombies...

     Now I have been quilting alone for over 25 years and have never once looked for a quilting club to join.  For some reason I can't fathom, I have panic attacks just thinking about what lies behind those doors... why are there so many people and why are they congregating and what could they possibly be doing for so long? Are they just talking and sewing or sizing up the local supply of new zombie recruits?  I can't imagine anything more scary than and eighty year old woman with a sharp pair of scissors in one hand and a really sharp needle in the other that's been turned into the walking dead! 

     Maybe that's just me and I'm missing out on some scintillating conversation with wonderful, kind people who are not related to me in some way.  I wonder if they check your quilting and if you pass muster, they don't let the zombies touch you? Like getting a pass or a 'get out of jail free' card. (Sigh. making lemonade, making lemonade, making lemonade...)

     Seriously, I don't think I'd be a good candidate.  I've heard horror stories about the politics that reign in places like that and I've never been one to mince words or hold back caustic commentary for idiots with "click-itis".  (probably not a trait that zombies are looking for... hopefully)

     Sorry, I know I have zombies on my mind, but I can't seem to shake them.  Time to institute plan B... go bug my husband and kids.  They are always around to put something equally bizarre into my head without the possibility of becoming the undead...

...and then there is always safety in numbers... just sayin'...

The Most Amazing Discovery...

12 Nov 2010

Email from Me to my Husband: Honey, I’ve made the most amazing discovery!  There are other homo sapiens like you (other than our kids) after all.  I am sure you are so relieved!  Just look!

From Laura of Fetch My Flying Monkeys

J is a freedom-hating-Michael Kors-loathing Nazi and here's proof.

J: "I want you to take my credit card on vacation with you. I want you to only use in it in case there's an emergency." Hands me a black card.

Me: "Sweeeeet."

J: "Umm Laura, an emergency only, okay?"

Me: "Okay." Fondles card. "My Preciousssss."

J: "Maybe we should go over what constitutes an emergency."

Me: "If I see a Michael Kors purse 50% or more off."

J: "No, Laura. I was thinking about if there's an emergency on the road traveling."

Me: "So we're driving down the road and there's a roadside stand and they're selling Michael Kors purses 50% or more off."

J: "No. Do not use it to buy a Michael Kors purse."

Me: "Okay. So we're driving down the road and there's a roadside stand selling otters, and for every otter you buy you get a free Michael Kors purse."

J: --

Me: "Two free Michael Kors purses per otter?"

J: "I'm not kidding, Laura. Use it for emergencies ONLY."

Me: "Like in case there's a zombie attack?"

J: Sighs. "Zombie attacks would constitute as an emergency, yes."

Me: "Like for buying weapons, right?"

J: "Yes, you can buy weapons on it in case of zombie attack."

Me: "And bullets? Lots of bullets?"

J: "Yes. In case of zombie attack you can use it for weapons and lots of bullets."

Me: "And a Michael Kors purse to keep the bullets in?"

J: "Give me my card back."

Me to Husband: Honey, I am also sending a copy of this post to our (five) daughters (who are convinced a zombie invasion is imminent) just to make sure they are prepared. Gotta tell them to make sure they get a Michael Kors purse to put the bullets in... then, it's not a purse, it's a supply chest... Right?

Husband: Who is Michael Kors, and will a purse made by him hold a chainsaw and/or M249 SAW magazine? How many nadgrenades can it hold? Are the seams double stitched so it won't spill my 12 gauge rounds while knocking down zombies with it? 

Me: What are nadgrenades?

Husband: Sorry typo on a small keyboard, insert hand grenades, either GP (general purpose) or white phosphorus...

Me: This one would be PERFECT!!!  MICHAEL KORS Darrington Shoulder Tote, Taupe  995.00

(That would be the amount of American dollars required to acquire said specimen. Zombies optional.) Since we have five daughters and myself... we'd need six of them... but wait!  It's taupe!  It would look fabulous with any of your fashionable desert camouflage wardrobe... In that case then, we would need 7 of these babies, please. Since you ARE currently stuck in Las Vegas, perhaps you could take advantage of the opportunity to earn a few extra dollars shakin' your bootie?

Love,
your wife and daughters...

Husband: Bootie? I think I broke it, however if you allow me to withdraw the mortgage money, I'm sure I can double it...

Me: Sigh.  Well, if your bootie is broken, perhaps you could rent yourself out as an executive level escort?  As for the mortgage money, no.  We really do need to buy these Michael Kor Handbags with money not already earmarked for current expenses.  This is strictly so that we can be ready for when the Zombies DO attack.  I do believe we will have a little time for you to work the magic of your sparkling personality.

Husband: I am too old for an "escort service".  I have thought about a side job as a thong model, perhaps some conservative right-wing loud mouth will pay me in a subtle reverse psychology attack on the male undergarment industry.

Me: A thong model? Hmmmm.  That sounds like it has potential... How soon do you think you could get started?  I, personally, would not pay for the thongs, but the pictures DO sound like they might have promise....

Husband: As soon as...

A. I can find one in green (of course).
B. Get limber enough to strut properly, probably not any time soon.
C. File the necessary environmental impact statement. It's Friday the day after a federal holiday, I'm sure the EPA is swamped.

Me: Why would you need an environmental impact statement?  Afraid to shock the squirrels?  Scare the bears?  Besides, I think you'll look much better in a thong than I will...

Husband: Not according to the maid…

Me: OK.  I guess I need to become resigned about our inability to fend off the zombies....

Husband: Just rethink the plan. We don't have children, we have 5 opportunities to distract them...

Me: Riiiiggght.  Unfortunately, "Don't worry... the zombies are looking for brains.  You're safe." only applies to our daughters and I really didn't want to have to sacrifice you like that... Sentimental reasons, you know.  Thirty years and you've kinda grown on me.  I have you trained almost to perfection.  Still... I guess a girl's gotta do what a girl’s gotta do...

Zombie To-Do List...

Public Service Announcement: There have currently been no confirmed sightings of Zombies, but the public should remain vigilant as it is only a matter of time before Congress sends them out to control the population instead of the budget. Please stay tuned to updated reports. Carry on and have a chocolate.

I've dreamed there is a special kind of to-do list that is addicting.  The longer the list, the more addicting it is. You should beware of any list longer than three items as they seem to be going viral within the well organized population. These to-do lists are an insidious form of torture created by Zombies to round-up victims. Once in possession of  one of their to-do lists, the tasks written on them multiply exponentially. It comes with some kind of subliminal instruction that is used to make you think you still have the option of saving your brain. You don't... have that option I mean. Once they've made sure you have a to-do list in your possession, then you are forever chained to whatever tasks that are on that to-do list until their next meal.

I've heard that they use this particular method to prepare your brain for their dinner. Kind of like meat tenderizer.  As far as I know, that is still only rumor. The way they get you to accept a to-do list is quite innocent-like. They are delivered by someone you think you know as a short set of instructions to complete some quick favor for them. It seems that any list under four items is safe, because you need more than three items to invoke enough subliminal exposure to commence the replicating countdown. Also beware of wine lists and menus... they are longer than three items and can make you want to list more than one item that you would like to eat or drink.

These to-do lists are used to make you think you still have the option of saving your brain. You don't... have that option I mean. Once they've made sure you have a to-do list in your possession, then you are forever chained to whatever tasks that are on that to-do list. That way they have an easier time rounding the herd (that would be you) for dinnertime. Their dinnertime. There's nothing left to do then, but say grace.

I woke up thinking it's a good thing I've already sworn off to-do lists! 

QOTD: "I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out." ~ David Sedaris

The Most Amazing Discovery... Again...

OK. I admit, I should have known better than to just link this on Facebook instead of reposting it. "Not everyone has or wants a FB page."  I GET it. I GOT it! (and you're lucky I'm allowing you to remain anonymous... sheesh!) Everyone else gets a free pass to post new intelligent comments, even ones that take pot shots at social media websites...

So for 'she who will not be named':The Most Amazing Discovery...Email from Me to my Husband: Honey, I’ve made the most amazing discovery!  There are other homo sapiens like you (other than our kids) after all.  I am sure you are so relieved!  Just look!
From Laura of Fetch My Flying MonkeysJ is a freedom-hating-Michael Kors-loathing Nazi and here's proof.
J: "I want you to take my credit card on vacation with you. I want you to only use in it in case there's an emergency." Hands me a black card.
Me: "Sweeeeet."
J: "Umm Laura, an emergency only, okay?"
Me: "Okay." Fondles card. "My Preciousssss."
J: "Maybe we should go over what constitutes an emergency."
Me: "If I see a Michael Kors purse 50% or more off."
J: "No, Laura. I was thinking about if there's an emergency on the road traveling."
Me: "So we're driving down the road and there's a roadside stand and they're selling Michael Kors purses 50% or more off."
J: "No. Do not use it to buy a Michael Kors purse."
Me: "Okay. So we're driving down the road and there's a roadside stand selling otters, and for every otter you buy you get a free Michael Kors purse."
J: --
Me: "Two free Michael Kors purses per otter?"
J: "I'm not kidding, Laura. Use it for emergencies ONLY."
Me: "Like in case there's a zombie attack?"
J: Sighs. "Zombie attacks would constitute as an emergency, yes."
Me: "Like for buying weapons, right?"
J: "Yes, you can buy weapons on it in case of zombie attack."
Me: "And bullets? Lots of bullets?"
J: "Yes. In case of zombie attack you can use it for weapons and lots of bullets."
Me: "And a Michael Kors purse to keep the bullets in?"
J: "Give me my card back."
Me to Husband: Honey, I am also sending a copy of this post to our (five) daughters (who are convinced a zombie invasion is imminent) just to make sure they are prepared. Gotta tell them to make sure they get a Michael Kors purse to put the bullets in... then, it's not a purse, it's a supply chest... Right?
Husband: Who is Michael Kors, and will a purse made by him hold a chainsaw and/or M249 SAW magazine? How many nadgrenades can it hold? Are the seams double stitched so it won't spill my 12 gauge rounds while knocking down zombies with it?Me: What are nadgrenades?
Husband: Sorry typo on a small keyboard, insert hand grenades, either GP (general purpose) or white phosphorus...
Me: This one would be PERFECT!!!  MICHAEL KORS Darrington Shoulder Tote, Taupe  995.00
(That would be the amount of American dollars required to acquire said specimen. Zombies optional.) Since we have five daughters and myself... we'd need six of them... but wait!  It's taupe!  It would look fabulous with any of your fashionable desert camouflage wardrobe... In that case then, we would need 7 of these babies, please. Since you ARE currently stuck in Las Vegas, perhaps you could take advantage of the opportunity to earn a few extra dollars shakin' your bootie?
Love,
your wife and daughters...
Husband: Bootie? I think I broke it, however if you allow me to withdraw the mortgage money, I'm sure I can double it...
Me: Sigh.  Well, if your bootie is broken, perhaps you could rent yourself out as an executive level escort?  As for the mortgage money, no.  We really do need to buy these Michael Kor Handbags with money not already earmarked for current expenses.  This is strictly so that we can be ready for when the Zombies DO attack.  I do believe we will have a little time for you to work the magic of your sparkling personality.
Husband: I am too old for an "escort service".  I have thought about a side job as a thong model, perhaps some conservative right-wing loud mouth will pay me in a subtle reverse psychology attack on the male undergarment industry.
Me: A thong model? Hmmmm.  That sounds like it has potential... How soon do you think you could get started?  I, personally, would not pay for the thongs, but the pictures DO sound like they might have promise....
Husband: As soon as...
A. I can find one in green (of course).
B. Get limber enough to strut properly, probably not any time soon.
C. File the necessary environmental impact statement. It's Friday the day after a federal holiday, I'm sure the EPA is swamped.
Me: Why would you need an environmental impact statement?  Afraid to shock the squirrels?  Scare the bears?  Besides, I think you'll look much better in a thong than I will...
Husband: Not according to the maid…
Me: OK.  I guess I need to become resigned about our inability to fend off the zombies....
Husband: Just rethink the plan. We don't have children, we have 5 opportunities to distract them...
Me: Riiiiggght.  Unfortunately, "Don't worry... the zombies are looking for brains.  You're safe." only applies to our daughters and I really didn't want to have to sacrifice you like that... Sentimental reasons, you know.  Thirty years and you've kinda grown on me.  I have you trained almost to perfection.  Still... I guess a girl's gotta do what a girl’s gotta do...
Scribbled by Lemon Stand at 8:03 PM  


7 Intelligent Comments:
Mrs. Who said...
We don't have children, we have 5 opportunities to distract them...
Damn...we've already sent two of ours off...down to two distractions!
Y'all crack me up! :)
November 12, 2010 10:54 PM
VW said...
I was snickering until I hit this line: Still... I guess a girl's gotta do what a girl’s gotta do...
and then I laughed out loud. You two are originals.
November 13, 2010 6:02 AM
LeeAnn said...
If H ever wanted to email, we'd have conversations like that. Probably with more cussing, but that's just us.
I love it.
November 13, 2010 8:32 AM
Lemon Stand said...
"I just read your conversation with your husband (notice "not my brother"), I am pretty sure Mom said the mold was broken after he was born so there really can't be another one like him. Really!~ Me" ~ my SIL, whom I shall let remain anonymous (although you DO realize he sometimes DOES read my posts when he's really bored... or needs a sleep aid...) ~ If the mold was broken 'after he was born', then it sure looks like someone glued it back together... LS
Mrs. Who - one can always live in hope that the zombie invasion won't begin until there is some sort of family get together... just so you can make full use of all your opportunities...
VW - I DO love him dearly. However, I know that he feels the exact same sentiment. So in his words, "It's a dog eat dog world, and we're all wearing milk bone underwear."
LeeAnn - Ah, but I have to admit that most of our conversations have to be edited. Cuss words are not left unheard of in this house.(the decibel level of which, is an indicator of how well a building or repair project is going for my husband) In most of our cases, it is the realm of depths to which EVERYONE in the family can sink to... with the husband as an example or the instigator of how such an achievement can be reached. I used to think he had warped our kids... now I just realize that through some fluke of nature, they only got all of HIS DNA. :)
November 13, 2010 9:52 AM
Andy said...
Ain't it grand to be hitched to a friend?
Thanks for the glimpse.
Seriously, thanks. That put a big smile on my ugly old mug this morning.
November 13, 2010 10:58 AM
Felicitas Linda said...
LMAO That was Epic!
November 13, 2010 3:28 PM
Lemon Stand said...
Andy - you are most welcome... I take it you have a problem with an ugly old mug in the morning? Man... you should really have yourself a pretty nap at least once a day... I hear it improves your condition... just sayin' :)
Linda - The unedited version was even better, but alas... I'm attempting to keep this blog family friendly.... for families that are obviously other than mine...
Still, You all have missed the perfect opportunity to go read a post at Laura's blog... I DID put the link in. Really. I really love to lurk there. (Just don't eat or drink while reading... oh, and I guess I must also warn you that breathing while reading her blog has proven to be a health hazard for me... can't laugh, snort, cough and breath at the same time... guess I'm a failure at multi-tasking...)
November 13, 2010 8:51 PM
 reposted from 10 Nov 2010

Sometimes The Odd Thoughts Seem Hilarious...

It may be because my husband has been deployed and hence the wit is out of country... 

It may be because dinner conversation is just not the same without him here (see above)... 

It may be because Murphy has lived at our house lately (see above)...

It may be because I have five daughters who take after their father (see above)... 

It may be because I am finally losing my marbles (see above)...

It may be because I found a few scraps of paper I had written on recently that were supposed to have reminded me of something to blog about... but my memory has left on vacation (see above)...

Still, the notes seem funny to me, wish I could only remember what they were about:

Some Things In Life Are Technically Possible... But Not Recommended.

Not feasible, not reasonable, not realistic... this generation's 3Rs.

I dreamt of flying monkeys and zombies.

I can't sleep but I sure can dream.

My husband came home three days ago which means, "Hello wit and humor!  Welcome Home!!!"

Life is good.  :)

Test Warning...

WARNING: This is a test. This is only a test. Had this been a REAL emergency, you would have been directed to go to the nearest sound proofed room for your own safety (and possibly sanity)...

***REBEL, past caring who's eardrums are ruptured, YELL***

I guess this wasn't a test after all... oops, my bad.  My only advice now would be to get to a sound proofed room as quickly as possible or go get really exceptional earplugs.  These precautions may save you from rebel yells, profanities and possibly my colorful use of verbiage in the days to follow.

I'd like to be able to apologize for this interruption of (truly, I would) your work Face Book, work Twitter, work Tumbler, work Pinterest, work blogging, work gaming work internet surfing, work texting  and work sleeping (except if you truly DID need that 'Beauty Rest' or possibly a 'Pretty Nap' to function keep others from wanting to kill you), but I cannot lie.  I simply can't be sorry for that Rebel Yell...  in fact... it felt so good, I might even try it again (after my own ears stop ringing, that is) and again and again and a lather, rinse, repeat.

Thank you. I know 'I' feel so much better now. 

Lemon Stand 

PS: Unanswered questions that keep me from being able to sleep at night:

I wonder if OSHA will soon be knocking at our door... for noise pollution... along with the police for possibly disturbing the peace?

What's the punishment is for exceeding OSHA's standards for safe decibel levels for any humans, pets, plants and zombies that might be within hearing distance? 

I wonder if zombies have to pay taxes... because they are not quite dead, nor are they quite alive? 

I wonder if I could patent the sound as a vociferous form of torture?

Is there really only three things you can never avoid in a lifetime... death, taxes and zombies?

I will be sure to let you know when you may return to your regularly scheduled activities... until then, my recommendation would be to hide.  :)

QOTD:  "There are three times in a man's life when he has the right to yell at the moon—when he marries; when his children come; and when he finishes a job he had to be crazy to start."  ~ Borden Chase [Frank Fowler] (1900–1971), U.S. screenwriter

The Little Baby Instruction Book, Rule #326...

Karen, my sister-in-law, sent me a group of pictures that really made me laugh when I needed it, so I'm sharing another chuckle today.  The doctor visit took a lot longer than expected but I hope to have an honest to Pete post on the morrow.  Until then... enjoy! (Personally, I think this must be a colorized picture of my husband... it would explain sooooooo much!)  :)

Lemon Stand's A-Z Of Blogging...

Reasons I might not be able to blog:  [Warning: The passages in this color are random stray thoughts... it's more than obvious that I need to get out of my house more often and find 'adult' conversation opportunities...]

A) I am not able to blog because I am in Tahiti (without kids) lying on a beach (with umbrella, of course... because the 'lobster look' is soooo not me) with Mai Tai in hand, enjoying the honeymoon my husband and I never got to go on.

B) I am not able to blog because I have discovered one of our daughters could give Einstein a run for his money, but still can not find her bedroom floor.  [Mrs. Who - Thank you for showing me there IS hope... I wonder if she'll make a good marine... ;)]

C) I am not able to blog because Peter Jackson begged me to be an 'extra' elf in his film adaptation of "The Hobbit" which I immediately (duh), accepted.  I have been  flown to New Zealand and am currently in places that, happily, have no internet (or cellphone) service. [List of potential dwarves: Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey... hmmm... sorry... wrong list... my kids, Kelly's kids, VWBug's kids, Ack! Thbbbt's kids, Bou's kids, Meleah's kids, AFW's kids, AWTM's kids... etc., etc, etc... but not Sarah's baby daughter... she's too cute to be a dwarf... I wonder what J the large would look like as a dwarf... food for thought...]

D) I am not able to blog because I tripped over a chair at 3am about three months ago and felt my 'S' undershirt get a little dented and am now awaiting a new one.  [This is sooooo NOT AFW... she's much more graceful than I am and  although her undershirt recently needed mending, she didn't require the necessity of procuring a blacksmith's (or should that be farrier's in my case?) assistance to hammer things back into shape. Although... I'm a MUCH better patient than she is... why, no... my nose has always been this length, why do you ask?]

E) I am not able to blog because I have become a beanbag character in the video game, "Little Big Planet" where my mouth has been permanently zipped shut. [I had a dream about this and I know it doesn't take an expert to figure out where my mind was going with this...]

F) I am not able to blog because I have been doing extensive behavioral research on the good and bad habits of teenagers, particularly cutting.

G) I am not able to blog because I have run away from home (without laptop and cellphone) [Although, if I run away from home... I'd still have to take the kids with me which generally defeats the reward of working up a sweat...]

H) I am not able to blog because our cats ate my computer.  [The hairballs made up for it in entertainment value]

I) I am not able to blog because I have been determined not to be pathetic... especially in public.  I try to let idiots and politicians (oops... I'm repeating myself...) shine in that arena. [Pathetic is one of those words that is fun to say.  It's up there with tintinnabulation, troglodyte, pulchritudinous or petrichor.]

J) I am not able to blog because I have discovered the meaning of relativity. [Now if I could only discover a cure for our daughter's teenage years that doesn't include the extra-extra-large helping of PMS...]

K) I am not able to blog because I have started a grass roots effort demanding the scientific community return Pluto to it's full planet status.  At the VERY least, they need to stop describing Pluto as a dwarf planet. 'Horizontally Challenged' Planet is much more politically correct.  [It's bad enough that Pluto was kicked out of the high class of planet society.]

L) I am not able to blog because I have been memorizing every rap song known to man for future preservation.  I have plenty of time before Alzheimer's sets in...

M) I am not able to blog because I ruptured a disc in my lower back. [Ow]

N) I am not able to blog because I broke a vertebrae in my lower back. [Double-Decker Ow]

O) I am not able to blog because whilst lying flat on our living room floor, I discovered dust bunnies gathering an immense guerrilla army under our couch, readying for a home invasion.  I have been extremely busy planning the defense for all fronts. [Karen - Beware the bunny.  Kelly - you will NEVER have to fear the bunny because my kids are right about this]

 P) I am not able to blog because I have been taking stock of all the spider webs and paint necessities for the ceiling of our bedroom. ['Itsy Bitsy Spider' theme song playing in the background]

Q) I am not able to blog because I am being used as a human pincushion. (and they didn't even bother to stuff me first) [a box of chocolate eclairs would have been a lovely prelude along with massive doses of pain killers...]

R) I am not able to blog because my personal household Mt. Laundry has now reached Himalayan proportions. [I wonder what will happen when it hits the vacuum of space... will it get sucked up and disappear?  A true ray of hope...]

S) I am not able to blog because my kitchen floor has been torturing me with cries of anguish, just begging me for water (and a commercial vat of disinfectant) to save it.

T) I am not able to blog because the Zombie invasion has begun... [although... since they only eat brains, there are quite a few people I know who will be perfectly safe.]

U) I am not able to blog because although outdoor tornadoes have given us a break on stopping by for tea, it's brethren, the indoor tornadoes, have already done it's worst (or best as the case may be).  Disaster area achieved...  Category level  5.  [I'm pretty sure FEMA won't help monetarily with this cleanup either.]

V) I am not able to blog because I have been awaiting the return of my sense of humor.  Do not EVER let your kids borrow it.  It takes forever to find it again in their bedrooms. [I have discovered that if you WAIT for your sense of humor to return... it never will... so you have to get off your posterior (another fun word to say) and find it... or better yet... go where ever your sense of humor takes you... just remember to still have dinner on the table at six pm.  Humor needs sustenance (another fun word... just sayin').]
 

W) All of the above.
 

X) All of the above  except for L [I'm not a masochist]

Y) Some of the above.
 

Z) None of the above.

See below FOLD LINE to see how many you guessed correctly... 

FOLD LINE

Digging Up Dead Relatives...

Yeah, I know that sounds pretty gruesome but it actually isn't.  Really.  I promise I am not using a shovel or a backhoe.  Really.

My mother-in-law's side of the family is having a reunion in Boulder, Colorado this July and in between running thither and yon as the kids taxi driver (and ATM machine) I have been trying to update (in my copious amounts of free time[heavy on the sarcasm]) the genealogy that I had done for her so that I can share it at the family reunion.  My MIL passed away a couple of years ago so I can not ask her all the things I now wish I had.  Sigh.

So if the posts are a little light lately, you now know what I am up to.  Believe me when I say that there are no zombies or coffins involved.  Only a family mystery or two to solve... 

If you have seen the TV show, "Who do you think you are?" I have got to tell you that it is NOT as easy as they make it look.  One day, when I win the lottery, I will have professionals do this for me, but until that happy day I guess I will have to be the one to do all the dusty, frustrating and sometimes surprising duty.

QOTD: "I trace my family history so I will know who to blame." ~ unknown

Unusual Selling Points...

Our family van is too sick to save.  We have decided to put it out of it's misery (and ours).  We have been shopping for a few days and have finally settled on a car.  I really needed something with lower lumbar support in the seat.  That and good gas mileage are the only two things that were non-negotiable in my mind.  Amazingly enough we easily found what we were looking for and filled out the paperwork.  While the dealership did all the final things they do to get the car ready, my husband and I went to get some lunch.

My husband, "That car really has an amazing amount of trunk space.  I bet you could fit two dead bodies back there."

*blink*

Cautiously (figuring I'd go with the flow) I said, "I guess that might be a good selling point if I were in the market for that kind of feature but I think the smell would get to me, not to mention the problems inherent with getting them out once the rigor mortis sets in."

My husband thought about that for a minute and then said,  "You could be right but since one of those dead bodies is likely to be me I give you permission to use my truck instead.  That way you can just slide the corpse out and it'll make it easier to dispose of the body."

*blink blink*

Me, "Wow!  What a thoughtful and generous thing to offer.  Thank you.  If I ever decide to take up the life of a homicidal maniac, I will be sure to take you up on that lovely offer."

My husband said cheerfully, "Your welcome.  Any time."

A few hours later when picking up Danielle downtown.

Danielle, "Cool car Mom!"

Me, "Thanks.  You can put your bag in the trunk.  It's large enough."

Danielle, "Wow!  It's big enough for three dead bodies!"

*blink*

Okaaaay.  "Umm.  Your father said something to that effect."

A little while later, when picking up Rachel.

Rachel, "Wow Mom.  Your car is shiny!" (I don't think she meant reflective)

Me, "Thanks.  You can throw your bag in the trunk."

While throwing her bag in the trunk, "Hey!  You could fit two dead bodies back here!"

*blink*  I think they all may have zombies on the brain lately...

Danielle, "I said three."

Rachel says casually, "Two and a half.  I can compromise."

Again I thought of the one thing my family apparently doesn't consider a problem, "I don't want to think about the smell."  Then I thought, 'What am I thinking? I'm letting them drag me into the shallow end of the gene pool they obviously wallow in on occasion!'  It's like my husband said... Not much wave action in that pool.

After a minute Danielle said, "Well, if you cut one in half you could fit all three."

Rachel swiftly came back with, "Only if you chop them up.  Mom is right though.  You'd have to put them in plastic bags."

I changed the subject and then quiet finally reigned in the car as I started to make our way home.

I was thinking about how nice the ride was.  How quiet.  The other options the car had and without really thinking it through, mistakenly said, "I read the owner's manual and it says it has an emergency unlock feature in the trunk of the car in case you get stuck in there."

Rachel, "Then we'll just have to duck tape anyone we want to put back there."

Sigh.  My family just doesn't place the same amount of importance on car features as I do... or for the same reasons...

QOTD:  "Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience."  Bill Watterson, Cartoonist

Evacuation Plans In Case Of A Zombie Attack...

I have no idea why people read, watch and worry about Zombie attacks, but it has been a large part of the conversations going on within (and without) our household.  Even Mrs. Who is dreaming about them.

So as we are starting to make plans for our daughter to go to school in England, her father says to her...

"I'll have to see if you have evacuation privileges at one the the joint British/American bases in England.  I guess I should make sure your military dependent ID is up to date.  You never know when you might have to evacuate due to Zombie invasion."

And of course, Rachel had to throw in her 2 cents, "Yeah.  If there is a Zombie invasion, Danielle, you are SOOOOOO screwed!  England is, after all, an island.  Good luck with that."

QOTD: "Don't worry... the zombies are looking for brains.  You're safe."  ~ Unknown