I'm NOT on the Lunch Menu

Me to daughter: "Mouse [our cat, see feline specimen and her 'you are lint' look] gave me kisses on the cheek this morning. I thought that was so sweet until I realized she's probably testing me for 'doneness'. Kinda took the enjoyment out of the moment."

Erin thought about this for a moment and just nodded and said, "True."

We know our geriatric cat very well after fourteen years, but I can guarantee SHE's not on MY diet list. As a human being, I like at least thinking that I am at the top of the food chain and do not like my allusions tampered with.

QOTD: “People with insufficient personalities are fond of cats. These people adore being ignored.” ~ Henry Morgan (privateer)

Emergency Stress Relief Hotline

     I don't think I know very many people who have not considered the last few weeks as a Mount Everest of stress. I think I can safely say I am not alone in feeling like I'm in a small leaky boat with 6 others and one lone teaspoon among us for bailing water.  So I'm updating this post. Something that, in the past, was born out of the brain of someone who had reached the point of losing her sense of humor, her patience, and most of all, her mind. It is my intent to help take a deep breath and not forget there is a balm in humor.  I hope it'll help you as much reading it as it did for me when I wrote it (and when I need to reread it to ground myself). ~ Lemon Stand
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It has been so stressful around here that I actually dreamed I was calling someone and instead got something like the following message.  I think my subconscious mind has been hanging out too long with my husband because this truly sounds like something he would put on our answering machine!

You have reached the Emergency Stress Relief Hotline, if the cause of your distress is due to a person other than yourself, please press 1 and you will be connected with persons who have similar concerns about this individual.  They will then assist you in making plans on where to hide the body.

If the cause of your distress is due to your own behavior, please press 2 and you will be connected with a large burly male with a size 18 shoe named Sue who will be delighted to arrange for your emergency attitude adjustment appointment. 

If the cause of your distress is due to an incident beyond your control, please press 3 and you will be connected to your mother, sibling, spouse or best friend for either a sympathetic ear and hug or an appointment at the nearest pub for a few rounds.  Please be advised that your mother would prefer the former, rather than the latter. 

If the cause of your distress is due to an incident you are responsible for, please press 5 and you will be re-enrolled in a Kindergarten class of your choice.  This opportunity is being offered to you since it has been scientifically proven that anything you needed to learn about life, responsibility and getting along with others was learned there and it's obvious that you may need a refresher course.

If the cause of your distress is due to a condition you have no control over, please press 6 and you will be connected with your therapist who will once again go over the concept of acceptance of what you can not change.  You will then be enrolled in a therapeutic art class where you may release your emotions onto canvas and then become an overnight sensation of the art world where people will pay thousands for your 'angsty' accomplishments.

If the cause of your distress is due to a condition you do have control over, please press 7 and you will be connected with your Father so you may receive the benefit of his wisdom.  He will then ask you to explain why you are allowing yourself to feel distress over something you have control over, what are your plans to not only survive the adversity but to thrive on the opportunity, because really, that's what fathers are for.

If the cause of your distress is due to the universe in general and bad karma in particular, please press 8 and you will be connected to an astrologist who will read the heavens and tell you exactly what is distressing you and why.  After obtaining this information, please again call the Emergency Stress Relief Hotline phone number and press the appropriate number for assistance.

If you truly do not know the cause of your distress, please press 9 and you will be connected with a travel agent who will book you a stay on a desert isle for as long as needed in which to contemplate your situation.  Please be advised that the accommodations are single occupancy only for the greatest amount of quiet time in which to ponder your life.  Further, be also advised there is no electricity and therefore any electronic devices are discouraged.  When you have returned to civilization, please again call the Emergency Stress Relief Hotline phone number and press the appropriate number for assistance.

For all other questions please press 0 and a customer service expert in India will be with you shortly.  If possible, please have a translator available for a translation of instructions, otherwise our customer service experts will be more than happy to stay on the line and attempt to communicate with you until you understand or have given up in frustration.

Thank you and have a nice day.

The Turkey... A Remembrance - News Update

   I couldn't resist updating this post with the wild turkeys in our front yard (and a different font. Thank you for the education dear daughter. Hope Art School includes other stuff) and so close to Thanksgiving. Alas they are not for eating. (It'd be like inviting our neighbors over and when they arrive, announce they are the guests of honor. Even if I could catch one, which I can't as they are very fast and wild turkeys CAN fly if necessary. They just don't seem to like to. Too much like exercise I guess.)

I often find scraps of paper I've used to write down snippets of conversation I want to blog about. This is one example from Thanksgiving. (If you want something in a timely manner around here, I'm afraid you'll have to get yourself a timex) :p

~

   Husband: "Do we want a fresh turkey from Deimond Farm or from the grocery store?"

   Me: "I'd prefer the fresh turkey if we can afford it. Free range, grain fed turkeys are expensive, but worth it." 

   Husband: "Fed a macrobiotic diet, massaged daily by geishas and taken thru an in-depth grief councelling process before being gently snuffed as the moon rises and the fog sets in. And there are usually crickets chirping in the barnyard."

   Me: **silence**

   Husband: "I shouldn't mention that the turkeys are so calm that they spend the night on the block?"

   Me: "Only you could come up with PR like that!"

   Husband: "Fresh turkey it is then."

QOTD: "If everyone is thinking alike, then someone isn't thinking." ~ George S. Patton

If Books Were Made Of Chocolate... Reconsidered

      Since I happened to be thinking about chocolate and books this morning as has often happened over the years and because since restarting my blog has been such a joy to me, I wanted to celebrate even though most of my readers have long moved on, which is as it should be, and most of the ones I used to read have stopped writing which saddens me. Blogs were meant to be enjoyed and inspiring and occasionally make you really think. (At least the blogs I read and the ones I write hopefully are) Having surgeries does have it's bright side in that I could read a lot or at least listen to audio books. Anyway, my husband has finally returned from a deployment and for some reason we have all been craving (a lot of) chocolate and books (five daughters, one man, time off? Nuff said), which might seem odd to those who don't know that since we can't get cable TV where we live, we have 29 bookcases. (yes, I counted) Our daughters are all older now but most are still in college and just getting started in life and so most of the books remain for the moment.

     Well, in one of life's many great glass half full moments I went looking for a chocolate book on Google thinking it would bring up chocolate cookbooks for a picture to spruce up this old post and polish it off as it were, and it did... but it also brought up a blog I have no idea how I could have missed all these years! (in a glass half empty moment, I don't have time to go back and read through posts, but I will) Two of my favorite topics. What's not to love? (As for the picture? It's a real cookbook with 50 easy chocolate recipes and since I've realized I do not have a chocolate cookbook in our home, we are lacking and must order for the holidays)

So DO go and visit Karen's Books and Chocolate Blog. I plan to.  (and to my sister in law Karen who is a bibliophile and chocolate lover, are you sure this isn't your blog and you've been holding out on me?)

~

     Oh how I wish I could remember who I had this conversation with, so I could attribute it.  I also wish I could tell you that I was the author of this delightful mental picture, but I must be honest... I remember having this conversation with someone else and had doodled down the notes, as I often do with most things, but failed to write a date or name (I really need to get better about this).  I'm not even sure I'm getting it all right, because it was a long time ago and the scrap of paper I had written it down upon, I had used as a book mark, so it's not very big.  Since I dreamed of it last night... I figure it must be a sign!  So here it is and if someone should recognize it, please do speak up.  It is not only a fabulous idea, but the wording is so vivid, it really should be claimed! 

Chocolate you could read would be practically perfect. As long as it was good chocolate, but poor writing. If you got a good book worthy of saving, you could never eat it - nor could you reread it on sunny days. Also, I'd have to get divorced, because I've never been able to convince my husband that a person's chocolate is sacred. It's deeply annoying when he scarfs an entire box of my Godivas, but if he started eating my books... I'd have to have him put down. (Be great if you could do that - take the husband to the vet, stroke his nose kindly, and tell all your friends that he'd got a bit old and flatulent, so you'd had him put to sleep. Obviously, being a feeling woman, I'd tell the children he'd gone to live with a nice family in the country.)

 Where was I?  Yes, product development. It's a good idea, but I think there's work to be done. You could write on the things that you always have, but never actually eat - like porridge oats, or French mustard - but - then again - I can only imagine worthy literature on oats. Things you feel you ought to have read, but don't want to. Paradise Lost. It would have to be a book more like chocolate digestives - perfect with a cup of coffee, and you find you've eaten the whole packet without meaning to. 

QOTD: "There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line." ~ by Oscar Levant (1906-1972) American Actor, Pianist and Composer.

Originally published Nov 2011 and I never did remember who I had been talking to, but such a lovely thought deserves another go around.

The Short Story in Which I Almost Dip My Toe Into the Waters of Impoliteness

We've all had frustrating days.  Days when the procurement of medicinal chocolate has been unsuccessful. (Women will get this and if a man has any brain cells that fire and know at least a little about the necessary care and feeding of said women, will also understand these kinds of days.)  

Now I have had a LOT of time since I last blogged with any regularity to save up all sorts of tidbits and usually I try to stay away from anything truly negative, but when you've had a trying day... sometimes it just won't be contained. (Kinda like oatmeal, but that's a tale for another day) So here is the Lemon Stand couple on just such a day when none of the planets aligned and the stress of being apart for more than a few months hits us at a weak moment. (Lest anyone should ever get the feeling that our family is always about shining rainbows).

Husband: It's been a day.

Me: Are you okay?

Husband: Yeah. Occasionally jumping down someone's throat is therapeutic. It's refreshing to be an A*#^$@.  And your day?

Me: I haven't had the opportunity to be an A*#^$@ lately.  Some people have all the luck. :(

QOTD: "The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum." Havelock Ellis (1859-1939) The Dance Of Life

Life and Lemons in General

Life has a way of prioritizing what's important in life and for quite a while now I have been writing my stories in notebooks to save for a rainy day.  More and more, according to friends and family, I needed to start sharing my kind of lemonade recipes again.  Apparently they miss our bizarre family antics and a few of my recipes.
   Now that my husband's latest deployment is over, I am dusting off my notebooks and scattered notes.  I can't post every day and it will take me a while to catch up with all my favorite blogs, but I will have plenty of time during physical therapy. (There was a reason I was not called Grace)  But that is a story for another post.
   It is not New Years yet but I was never patient enough to wait for anything and that hasn't changed, but the rest of my life has. So I am not wasting another minute of a chance to start my next adventure. (Or in some cases misadventure... No one lets me forget the infamous air conditioner flight that happened this time of year. In fact, after that I was not allowed to even touch an air conditioner again. Spoil sports. It's not like lightening will strike twice, right?)
   So here's to a new year started a little early. Lots of mayhem, humor and a few more solemn posts to start spilling forth. Happy New Year!

QOTD: "When life gives you lemons, occasionally one can break out the Tequilla recipe, otherwise a potato canon is quite easily adapted to a lemon launcher." ~ Lemon Stand

I'm Not the Easter Bunny Either

Early this morning...

Me to daughter, Erin: "I need you to get up. We need to be on time this morning because I have a dental appointment right after I drop you off at school."

Erin: *grumbling*

A few minutes later, she shows her face, looks at me and grumpily says, "You're not the doughnut fairy."

Me: *blink*

Me: "Um, I guess I could put a doughnut under your pillow."

Erin: "Eewww!"

A little later, on the way to school...

Erin: "I love you, but I'm putting in my ear buds and listening to Halsey."

Me: "Admiral Halsey?"

Erin: "Someone more amazing."

Me: "More amazing than me?"

Erin: "No. A different kind of amazing. You're a Mom kind of amazing."

**heh**

QOTD: "Not only am I an amazing mother, I have amazing kids. Yes, you should be jealous." ~ me

The Reason I Think That Twitter Will Never Catch On To Main Stream America

Twitter is truly frustrating for those of us who love to use the most verbiage for our buck. 140 letters? What if I want to quote famous quotes such as this one from Terry Pratchett (proof that there is intelligence on earth):

"Most species do their own evolving, making it up as they go along, which is the way Nature intended. And this is all very natural and organic and in tune with mysterious cycles of the cosmos, which believes that there’s nothing like millions of years of really frustrating trial and error to give a species moral fiber and, in some cases, backbone."  Terry Pratchett (b.1948-) English Writer




I couldn't even post it thus because it is 140 letters too long:
Mostspeciesdotheirownevolving,makingitupastheygoalongwhichisthewayNatureintended&thisisallverynatural&organic&intunew/mysteriouscyclesofthecosmos,whichbelievesthatthere'snothinglikemillnsofyrsofreallyfrustratingtrial&error2giveaspeciesmoralfiber&insomecases,backboneTerryPratchett

 Loquacious people everywhere, beware the perils and affect of Twitter on the English language! (and don't even get me started on those little picture thingys)

QOTD: "Verbiage is for the verbose." ~ Andrew McMeel

I'm Not the Only One Making Lemonade

I love lemons that make me laugh and as I was on twitter (@lemon_stand) tonight, I ran across two awesome lemon quotes:

   "When life gives you lemons, simply let them wash over you in a gentle, lemon-scented, yellow wave. Revel in your new wealth of lemons." ~ @jeffzentner

   "Horde your lemons in underground bunker. Watch the price of lemons skyrocket. Sell lemons at high prices and cackle." ~ @justinaireland

But one of my favorites came from a friend of mine long ago:

   Someone recently sent me a card that read...

            On the outside: Hang in there...sometimes life hands you lemons, but then you can make lemonade.
            On the inside: Of course, sometimes life pulls down your pants, runs a power sander across your naked butt, then pours lemon juice on your raw, abraded buttocks. In that case, a cool citrus drink wouldn't really help it, but darn it...you've got to hang in there anyway!

Sarah

QOTD: "The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser in case you thought optimism was dead." ~ Robert Brault

I Didn't Win the Lottery

   The Powerball lottery was up to about 1.5 Billion US Dollars. I didn't win. This was not a surprise as I knew I'd have a much better chance of getting my kids to pick up after themselves, teach my cat to sing or decide I needed a tattoo on my posterior. I am also glad I am in good company as no one I know won it either. We can now all go out and commiserate together. It'll be fun.

QOTD: "Here's somthing to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?" ~ Jay Leno

I Smell Something Burning

 

QOTD: "It so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." ~ Sam Levenson

Gratefulness

   Tonight I'm grateful for my children as they have always brought me way more joy than pain. I'm grateful for my husband who taught me and our children how to laugh, when to laugh and how to look at things from outside the box. I'm grateful for my friends and family for the blessing they have always been to me.

    And although I was able to make good headway on cleaning and organizing my sewing room today, I am grateful for the fluffy pillow calling to me. Tomorrow is another day and I'll be grateful to start finishing the many quilting projects I have run across that still need to be completed.

QOTD: "I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose." ~ Woody Allen - American actor, director, comedian and author

Mr Alarm Clock's Obituary

Mr Alarm Clock

I am contemplating the premeditated murder of our old alarm clock. The same alarm clock my husband has already resurrected once before.

At least I have the obituary written already. Only have to update it a little bit. It's Monday. Nuff said.

Mr. Alarm Clock (1998-2006) New England - Alarm Clock of the Lemon Stand household died Thursday morning, October 26, 2006 after a sudden traumatic incident involving the accidental awakening of the mistress of Lemon Stand. Mr. Clock died of massive internal injuries. He was 8 years old.

Mr. Clock was adopted in 1998 and was a permanent member of the bedside nightstand of the owners of the Lemon Stand Household, where he served admirably for many years in the master bedroom. His service included performing the duties of time keeper and wake up calls no matter what shift the owners worked.

Later in life, he remained a faithful companion of the Master of the Lemon Stand household and was so distraught upon the recent deployment to Iraq of said Master that he became inconsolable. He would alarm the household at inappropriate times and on occasion would break out into song without prompting.

In the early morning hours of Thursday, before the sun had come up, Mr. Clock startled the mistress who promptly defended her sanity by propelling Mr. Alarm Clock into a wall at a high rate of speed. Mr. Clock died on impact caused by the sudden stop. No charges have been filed as it was an act of self defense.

Mr. Clock will be buried with full military honors at the town transfer station (garbage dump) on Saturday. In lieu of flowers, Memorial Contributions may be made to Soldiers Angels. Mr. Clock would have been pleased to know that his demise was able to touch another service member.

(Originally posted 26 Oct 2006)

QOTD: "My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed." ~ unknown

I'm Still In New England, Right?

It IS January, isn't it? I'm still in New England, right? It's 57° out here in the middle of nowhere (we live in a neighborhood where most of the neighbors could be considered edible... You can relax though, because we are NOT cannibals.  You may trust me when I say homo sapiens are very safe at our dinner table... Well, ok... homo sapiens are at least safe from being the literal 'roast' of honor.  Most of our neighbors happen to be wild turkeys, wild rabbits, pheasant, deer, moose, bear... although I unequivocally DO draw the line on eating the squirrels... one must have standards...) and it's raining like Noah is coming to visit. Silver lining?  It's a great day to kick back and while listening to the rain, have a cup of hot tea, eat cookies and read, write, sew, quilt, or watch a movie. Or go out to sing in the rain and come in with pneumonia. Ah, choices, choices... :)

QOTD: "Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon." ~ Susan Ertz

Lost: A Little Grey Matter

https://twitter.com/ritgraymatter logo

   Lost: My brain has gone missing sometime this morning. I remember having it when I woke up but it has since gone a wandering.

   It's medium sized, wrinkled and colored with more than a little bit of grey matter.

   It answers to the names Mom, wife, Lemon Stand and very occasionally 'hey you'.

   It has a great deal of compassion (when warranted), wit and snark (when pressed).

   It does tend to wander and wonder with a little more frequency than it used to but is at peace with this.

   It has, in the past, gravitated to humorous situations, chocolate, books and occasionally fabric stores (whenever it thinks it can get away with it) and has a fine tuned sense of the absurd.

  If anyone should find it, please tell it that it is missed and is wanted desperately at home.

QOTD: "Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't tell where it keeps it's brain." Arthur Weasley, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets ~ J. K. Rolling

Vacation Is Over

Since I am determined to make a dent in the cleaning to-do list, I'm dragging out energy fortification... The Party Pack for a cleaning party of one so I don't have to share. (One must always look for the silver lining. :)

QOTD: (A list today)

- 9 out of 10 people like chocolate, the 10th person lies
- Chocolate is the answer, who cares what the question is
- Never under-estimate the power of chocolate
- Chocolate doesn't ask silly questions, chocolate understands

History Class Blues...

     It's difficult to enjoy a class that you hate for whatever reason. I've been aware that our daughter, Erin, despised her American History class, but didn't dislike her teacher.  She's been pretty vocal about her aversion to studying about the World Wars.  So it came as no surprise that the letter she's required to write in class to tell her parents/teacher how she feels about what and how she is doing, was along those lines. However, her dry sense of humor caught me by surprise. At least she's honest. (I wish all things could be fixed with afternoon tea)

...I think that WWII is depressing and that humans are horrible and people should just go eat ice cream, cookies, cake, candy and drink tea and coffee. Mostly tea though...

QOTD: "There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be much diminished by a nice cup of tea." ~ Bernard-Paul Heroux , Philosopher

The Quilting Zombies...

     Now I have been quilting alone for over 25 years and have never once looked for a quilting club to join.  For some reason I can't fathom, I have panic attacks just thinking about what lies behind those doors... why are there so many people and why are they congregating and what could they possibly be doing for so long? Are they just talking and sewing or sizing up the local supply of new zombie recruits?  I can't imagine anything more scary than and eighty year old woman with a sharp pair of scissors in one hand and a really sharp needle in the other that's been turned into the walking dead! 

     Maybe that's just me and I'm missing out on some scintillating conversation with wonderful, kind people who are not related to me in some way.  I wonder if they check your quilting and if you pass muster, they don't let the zombies touch you? Like getting a pass or a 'get out of jail free' card. (Sigh. making lemonade, making lemonade, making lemonade...)

     Seriously, I don't think I'd be a good candidate.  I've heard horror stories about the politics that reign in places like that and I've never been one to mince words or hold back caustic commentary for idiots with "click-itis".  (probably not a trait that zombies are looking for... hopefully)

     Sorry, I know I have zombies on my mind, but I can't seem to shake them.  Time to institute plan B... go bug my husband and kids.  They are always around to put something equally bizarre into my head without the possibility of becoming the undead...

...and then there is always safety in numbers... just sayin'...

The Most Amazing Discovery...

12 Nov 2010

Email from Me to my Husband: Honey, I’ve made the most amazing discovery!  There are other homo sapiens like you (other than our kids) after all.  I am sure you are so relieved!  Just look!

From Laura of Fetch My Flying Monkeys

J is a freedom-hating-Michael Kors-loathing Nazi and here's proof.

J: "I want you to take my credit card on vacation with you. I want you to only use in it in case there's an emergency." Hands me a black card.

Me: "Sweeeeet."

J: "Umm Laura, an emergency only, okay?"

Me: "Okay." Fondles card. "My Preciousssss."

J: "Maybe we should go over what constitutes an emergency."

Me: "If I see a Michael Kors purse 50% or more off."

J: "No, Laura. I was thinking about if there's an emergency on the road traveling."

Me: "So we're driving down the road and there's a roadside stand and they're selling Michael Kors purses 50% or more off."

J: "No. Do not use it to buy a Michael Kors purse."

Me: "Okay. So we're driving down the road and there's a roadside stand selling otters, and for every otter you buy you get a free Michael Kors purse."

J: --

Me: "Two free Michael Kors purses per otter?"

J: "I'm not kidding, Laura. Use it for emergencies ONLY."

Me: "Like in case there's a zombie attack?"

J: Sighs. "Zombie attacks would constitute as an emergency, yes."

Me: "Like for buying weapons, right?"

J: "Yes, you can buy weapons on it in case of zombie attack."

Me: "And bullets? Lots of bullets?"

J: "Yes. In case of zombie attack you can use it for weapons and lots of bullets."

Me: "And a Michael Kors purse to keep the bullets in?"

J: "Give me my card back."

Me to Husband: Honey, I am also sending a copy of this post to our (five) daughters (who are convinced a zombie invasion is imminent) just to make sure they are prepared. Gotta tell them to make sure they get a Michael Kors purse to put the bullets in... then, it's not a purse, it's a supply chest... Right?

Husband: Who is Michael Kors, and will a purse made by him hold a chainsaw and/or M249 SAW magazine? How many nadgrenades can it hold? Are the seams double stitched so it won't spill my 12 gauge rounds while knocking down zombies with it? 

Me: What are nadgrenades?

Husband: Sorry typo on a small keyboard, insert hand grenades, either GP (general purpose) or white phosphorus...

Me: This one would be PERFECT!!!  MICHAEL KORS Darrington Shoulder Tote, Taupe  995.00

(That would be the amount of American dollars required to acquire said specimen. Zombies optional.) Since we have five daughters and myself... we'd need six of them... but wait!  It's taupe!  It would look fabulous with any of your fashionable desert camouflage wardrobe... In that case then, we would need 7 of these babies, please. Since you ARE currently stuck in Las Vegas, perhaps you could take advantage of the opportunity to earn a few extra dollars shakin' your bootie?

Love,
your wife and daughters...

Husband: Bootie? I think I broke it, however if you allow me to withdraw the mortgage money, I'm sure I can double it...

Me: Sigh.  Well, if your bootie is broken, perhaps you could rent yourself out as an executive level escort?  As for the mortgage money, no.  We really do need to buy these Michael Kor Handbags with money not already earmarked for current expenses.  This is strictly so that we can be ready for when the Zombies DO attack.  I do believe we will have a little time for you to work the magic of your sparkling personality.

Husband: I am too old for an "escort service".  I have thought about a side job as a thong model, perhaps some conservative right-wing loud mouth will pay me in a subtle reverse psychology attack on the male undergarment industry.

Me: A thong model? Hmmmm.  That sounds like it has potential... How soon do you think you could get started?  I, personally, would not pay for the thongs, but the pictures DO sound like they might have promise....

Husband: As soon as...

A. I can find one in green (of course).
B. Get limber enough to strut properly, probably not any time soon.
C. File the necessary environmental impact statement. It's Friday the day after a federal holiday, I'm sure the EPA is swamped.

Me: Why would you need an environmental impact statement?  Afraid to shock the squirrels?  Scare the bears?  Besides, I think you'll look much better in a thong than I will...

Husband: Not according to the maid…

Me: OK.  I guess I need to become resigned about our inability to fend off the zombies....

Husband: Just rethink the plan. We don't have children, we have 5 opportunities to distract them...

Me: Riiiiggght.  Unfortunately, "Don't worry... the zombies are looking for brains.  You're safe." only applies to our daughters and I really didn't want to have to sacrifice you like that... Sentimental reasons, you know.  Thirty years and you've kinda grown on me.  I have you trained almost to perfection.  Still... I guess a girl's gotta do what a girl’s gotta do...

Ah, The Perils Of Being A Woman...

I had to go pick up Erin from school and although I truly empathized with her, I had to laugh at her text to me:

Erin: Mom?

Me: Yes?

Erin: Can you come get me? Cramps really bad. No Midol. Hurt. Pain.

A few seconds later.

Erin: Contemplating ripping out ovaries.

Had to stop laughing long enough to text without my hands shaking.

Me: On my way.

On the way home:

Erin: "I wish I were a guy. They don't have to deal with periods."

Me: "No, they just have to deal with the women who do.  Ask your father about it.  I can't tell you how often he's called before coming home just to find out whether he should wear the kevlar. (5 daughters will do that to you). At least he has a good sense of humor about it. 

Now that I think about it, guys also have the problem of needing to be able to know when not to cross the threshold without a chocolate sacrifice. I think I like being a woman more than I would a man. (I'd also hate to be wrong all the time).

QOTD: Why Periods? Why can't Mother Nature just text me and be like "Waddup girl, you ain't pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to you next month."? ~ unknown