Celebrations Of The Little Things…

I've been blogging on and off since about 2006 and I always seem to come back to it as I find writing meditative therapy most of the time. I've also always come back to this post when I need to count my blessings. Our family has changed, been added to, grown up and most of the chicks have left the nest but some things never change. I hope this might help others keep things in perspective. There are many things in the world that seem divided right now. I don't particularly care what your race, creed, religion, political views, citizenship or sexual orientation is. The following is about what we need to think about in our own lives. Anger and frustration that rules one's day, helps no one and steals something precious from everyone. So take a deep breath, open your mind, step into the present and truly look around you...

and celebrate the little things in life

Every once in a while, I think we are all given little 'Wake Up' calls. Either something happens to someone we know or someone says something to you that really resonates with something inside of you (if you have a heart) and the little voice that resides in everyone (who has a conscience) prods us to remember to celebrate the little things. It’s easy to celebrate holidays and some of us can remember birthdays and anniversaries (if we have a memory).

I think that I didn’t learn this lesson early enough in my life. I’m left with a lot of shoulda, coulda, woulda moments of regret that need to be replaced with the celebration of life, in the moment. 

Did you notice how fast your parents and siblings were growing when you, yourself are a child? Did you think about or even realize that there would soon come to a time when because of school, work, military service, marriage, and all the other myriad of detritus that life hands you, that you would no longer live with them?  In many cases you would physically live far away from them?  I don’t ever remember stopping long enough to take an actual or mental picture of those days in my mind to keep in my memories.

The years flew by, I don’t know where they have all gone but I have very few actual pictures of my childhood, school, military service, my husband and I when we were first married. There are lots of pictures of Nicole when she was a baby. The pictures, however, become scarce as the rest of the children came along. It is not because we were any less proud of them or happy that they came along. I think that the worries of everyday life become exponential with each child. Worries that eat at our ability to enjoy life in the moment. We are even less likely to stop and celebrate the little things in life.

September 11th gave many people I know the wake up call I speak of, but like human nature often is, the lesson, no matter how horrific in it’s execution, softens with time. We don't forget, but it becomes blurred with age.  I don’t know when this realization happened for me. It was before September 11th. I think it started just after my husband and I got married. I started asking questions of relatives about their lives. I started writing down their stories. I started keeping track of my immediate genealogy, although at the time, I didn’t realize what I was doing. It eventually evolved into tracing both my parents genealogy back to the time their ancestors immigrated to North America. It wasn't far to find the 1st generation American’s. All four of my grandparents came to the United States from Canada and were the first ones to stay. I count myself lucky to know their life story.

Our own children are growing so fast. Nicole and Danielle’s childhood moments are overshadowed by the struggle of survival, because both my husband and I separated from active duty within 6 months of each other during the last national economic downfall. We were then blessed with Rachel but like so many other people, we struggled with everyday worries. We both worked 2 and 3 jobs to make ends meet until I became pregnant with Erin, our youngest.

After that, a disability I had received in the military finally left me unable to take care of not only myself but our children. I feel like I have lost about 7 years of my life. It has been a very long road back. During this time, our families and our truly closest friends and family, John and Kelly were what kept us going. 

I have learned to try not to miss the little milestones that come to us every day. They come whether you stop long enough to appreciate them or not. So many times they can pass you by and you mourn their loss when you finally realize they are gone. I forgot where I read that life does not have any ‘do-overs’ but occasionally you will be blessed with a ‘do-again’.

Despite not having most of my family and friends around lately, I have lately found pleasure in the moments with Erin. At 8 years old she is still my baby. She is growing and her personality is becoming more pronounced. She tackles life so differently than the other three. I have blown off most of the housework this week. It will keep. I’m going on treasure hunts and exploring the world through the eyes of Erin. I am collecting these moments of time in my memories to be taken out at some future date to be relived and enjoyed again. I am not going to try not having to re-live another moment of regret for this time that I was given with her.

If you want to know how this lesson solidified in my mind…the moment that I truly learned this lesson… it was the first time my husband was in the mid-east. He would send the kids and I pictures of grass. Yes, you read that right. There was this one spot where everyone threw out their wash water and eventually a straggly excuse for grass started growing. My husband had a picture of himself taken sitting in this 3 ft by 3ft patch of grass. He was cross legged and his eyes were closed. His hands were in the position of someone meditating and saying 'ooooohhhhmmm, ooooohhhhmmmm.' (Man that man cracks me up!)

He also would pick these small flowers that he would find among the rocks. Proof that life will survive in the most unlikeliest and most inhospitable places on earth. They do not stop growing because of the war being waged. Their ability to exist with such beauty is a testament to life. My husband used paper, plastic wrap and cardboard from his care packages to press these flowers. He brought them home to us and when he returns to the mid-east our daughters and I will be using his away time mounting and framing them for our rooms.

I usually write my quote of the day as a way to wrap up a point to my posts. Today I will only impart my own humble message. “It is not always possible to live in the moment, but when the opportunity does present itself….do not waste it for it is precious and may not come again.”

I Smell Something Burning

 

QOTD: "It so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." ~ Sam Levenson

For The Man In The House... (Not Mine Though)

I get very little time these days to wander around the internet, but when I do, I always try to go visit a few special blogger friends.  It was on this short foray that I got my first laugh of the day. Since it's such a short post, I'm sure Mrs. Who won't mind me borrowing it for a moment, not that anyone other than her might see it. :)

Popping My Cork

This morning I was in the bathroom, minding my own business. I had a song stuck in my head…’Big Spender‘ from Sweet Charity. One of the skaters in the Olympics last night used that song, and it had ear-wormed into me. So I started singing it. To pass the time, of course.

My husband was still in bed. When I emerged from the bathroom, his worried voice came down the hallway, “Sweetheart, are you okay?” he asked.

I replied, “Yes, why?”

His voice came back, with a confused tone in it. “I just thought I heard something.”

Well, so much for my singing in the bathroom…

This entry was posted on Sunday, February 9th, 2014 at 12:12 pm and is filed under Family Fear Factor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

1. Jess Says: 
   February 9th, 2014 at 8:10 pm
   Well. At least he didn’t ask if you were skinning a cat.

Well that just reminded me of a previous post sent to me by my husband and just know that Mrs. Who needs to let him (and Jess) read it so that I can return the favor.  :)

So click Repeat After Me...

Stuck Thoughts...

You know when you get a song stuck in your head, that you can't seem to get rid of? Well, I seem to be having the same problem with this frustration only it's a rerun of an old conversation that I dreamed about last night.  It's not like it's an important posit.  Definitely not Nobel Prize kind of subject. Doesn't seem to matter. If my subconscious is trying to tell me something, I sure haven't got a clue... Maybe it means I should go buy a shovel and dig a hole. If so, it's gonna be a long wait!

“When Chinese kids go out in their back yards, and they start to dig a hole, do their Mothers yell out the back door for them to stop digging a hole to America? Do they use a shovel made in the USA?” ~ by my husband

I'm trying to remember there are more annoying things out there in the world I inhabit and I should be grateful it's not a song like Stayin' Alive or Danger Zone on permanent replay. One must try to look on the bright side of things. (If I tell myself that often enough it will be true... hopefully) I never thought I'd look forward to insomnia before...

QOTD: "Words make you think a thought. Music makes you feel a feeling. A song makes you feel a thought." ~ by  E. Y. Harburg (American Lyricist, Librettist and Song Writer, 1896-1981)

Celebration Of The Little Things...

I've been blogging on and off since about 2006 and I always seem to come back to it as I find writing meditative therapy most of the time. I've also learned that I tend to 'hide from the 'real' world and while that's ok in small doses, it's too easy to forget that some times. I'm trying to learn to have more balance in all things and remind myself to celebrate the little things. 

Back when I first started the 'old' Lemon Stand blog I tried to write down what was important to me. The old blog unfortunately is long gone but I kept some of those pages to give myself a point of reference. A reminder to celebrate the little things. It's also one of the posts my family and friends often ask about.

So whether or not you've already made New Year's resolutions, here's a reminder of the 'smaller' picture.

2006
Celebrations Of The Little Things…

Every once in a while, I think we are all given little 'Wake Up' calls. Either something happens to someone we know or someone says something to you that really resonates with something inside of you (if you have a heart) and the little voice that resides in everyone (who has a conscience) prods us to remember to celebrate the little things. It’s easy to celebrate holidays and some of us can remember birthdays and anniversaries (if we have a memory).

 I think that I didn’t learn this lesson early enough in my life. I’m left with a lot of shoulda, coulda, woulda moments of regret that need to be replaced with the celebration of life, in the moment.

Did you notice how fast your parents and siblings were growing when you, yourself were a child? Did you think about or even realize that there would soon come to a time when because of school, work, military service, marriage, and all the other myriad of detritus that life hands you, that you would no longer live with them?  In many cases you would physically live far away from them?  I don’t ever remember stopping long enough to take an actual or mental picture of those days in my mind to keep in my memories.

 The years flew by, I don’t know where they have all gone but I have very few actual photographs of my childhood, school, military service, my husband and I when we were first married. There are lots of pictures of Nicole when she was a baby. The pictures, however, become scarce as the rest of the children came along. It is not because we were any less proud of them or happy that they came along. I think that the worries of everyday life become exponential with each child. Worries that eat at our ability to enjoy life in the moment. We are even less likely to stop and celebrate the little things in life.

 September 11th gave many people I know the wake up call I speak of, but like human nature often is, the lesson, no matter how horrific in it’s execution, softens with time. We don't forget, but it becomes blurred with age.  I don’t know when this realization happened for me. It was before September 11th. I think it started just after my husband and I got married. I started asking questions of relatives about their lives. I started writing down their stories. I started keeping track of my immediate genealogy, although at the time, I didn’t realize what I was doing. It eventually evolved into tracing both my parents genealogy back to the time their ancestors immigrated to North America. It wasn't far to find the 1st generation American’s. All four of my grandparents came to the United States from Canada and were the first ones to stay. I count myself lucky to know their life stories.

 Our own children are growing so fast. Nicole and Danielle’s childhood moments are overshadowed by the struggle of survival, because both my husband and I separated from active duty within 6 months of each other during the last national economic downfall. We were then blessed with Rachel but like so many other people, we struggled with everyday worries. We both worked 2 and 3 jobs to make ends meet until I became pregnant with Erin, our youngest.

After that, a disability I had received in the military finally left me unable to take care of not only myself but our children. I feel like I have lost about 7 years of my life. It has been a very long road back. During this time, our families and our truly closest friends and family, John and Kelly were what kept us going. 

I have learned to try not to miss the little milestones that come to us every day. They come whether you stop long enough to appreciate them or not. So many times they can pass you by and you mourn their loss when you finally realize they are gone. I forgot where I read that life does not have any ‘do-overs’ but occasionally you will be blessed with a ‘do-again’.

 Despite not having most of my family and friends around lately, I have found pleasure in the moments with Erin. At 8 years old she is still my baby. She is growing and her personality is becoming more pronounced. She tackles life so differently than the other three. I have blown off most of the housework this week. It will keep. I’m going on treasure hunts and exploring the world through the eyes of Erin. I am collecting these moments of time in my memories to be taken out at some future date to be relived and enjoyed again. I am not going to try not having to re-live another moment of regret for this time that I was given with her.

 If you want to know how this lesson solidified in my mind…the moment that I truly learned this lesson… it was the first time my husband was in the mid-east. He would send the kids and I pictures of grass. Yes, you read that right. There was this one spot where everyone threw out their wash water and eventually a straggly excuse for grass started growing. My husband had a picture of himself taken sitting in this 3 ft by 3ft patch of grass. He was cross legged and his eyes were closed. His hands were in the position of someone meditating and saying 'ooooohhhhmmm, ooooohhhhmmmm.' (Man that man cracks me up!)

He also would pick these small flowers that he would find among the rocks. Proof that life will survive in the most unlikeliest and most inhospitable places on earth. They do not stop growing because of the war being waged. Their ability to exist with such beauty is a testament to life. My husband used paper, plastic wrap and cardboard from his care packages to press these flowers. He brought them home to us and when he returns to the mid-east our daughters and I will be using his away time mounting and framing them for our rooms.

 I usually write my quote of the day as a way to wrap up a point to my posts. Today I will only impart my own humble message. “It is not always possible to live in the moment, but when the opportunity does present itself….do not waste it for it is precious and may not come again.”

Where The Wild Things Are...

Two of our neighbors came over last night with one of their sons for dinner. Beth and Dan are brave souls who don't mind my family's odd sense of humor.  Probably because our kids shared the same bus stop together since Preschool. Come to think of it, it was rather tame for our dinner table.

It was still a lot of fun so we need to get together more often. They seem to be either desensitized to our family's dinner conversation or they just  have the same warped sense of humor. (I'm leaning towards the latter)

Last night we got to talking about our kids, college and survival in the jungle of teenagers.  One of the subjects that came up was "Daddy's Laws of Life" and I just couldn't remember them all but found them in a previous post that led me down memory lane to 14 Aug 2010 and thought I'd share the chuckles:

If It's True That You Learn Everything You Need To Know In Kindergarten...

My husband is probably going to be irritated with me and the kids are probably going to say I didn't remember the event correctly, as always, but I just have to write the memory as I remember it down for posterity's sake.

As any parent with teenagers can tell you, when your offspring attains the age of about 12 (if you have not already scheduled their demise) your child revisits the developmental stage of the terrible two's, but this time around it includes added bonuses.  For girls, it's PMS.  For boys, it's testosterone poisoning.  Trust me on this.

So it is not any wonder that there was a particular day in which I needed my husband for a little tag team parenting.  The eldest three were behaving like hard core toddlers and I wanted him to talk to them sternly.

So off the kids go for a ride with their father so that he could advise them on the 'gravity' of the situation (and I could get a little peace and quiet while the youngest was playing with a friend).

A while later, they all came back and instead of the subdued children I had expected, they were smiling, laughing and teasing each other.  

Before I could question my husband on just what had occurred on this ride, our daughter, Danielle, beamed at me as she said, "You don't have to worry, Mommy.  Daddy explained the four Laws of Life and we now understand them all." 

The other kids, looking just as happy as Danielle, were nodding their heads vigorously as their sister informed me of their new found knowledge.

Knowing my husband, who, at the time, was standing a little behind them trying to look like his halo wasn't choking him (in my opinion), I immediately knew that something had gone awry in my intended communication with the kids.  I'm sure my eyes, almost instantly, started to narrow.  Seeing that I was not looking real happy with the situation, the kids hurried to explain the Laws of Life and their meanings... according to Daddy.

"One, Never break more than one law at a time.  So if we were able to drive and had a tail light that was busted, we shouldn't speed."

"Two, Never bring along a camera if you are going to break the law.  That one was easy to understand so we didn't really need an explanation for that one."

"Three, Never try to understand someone else's 'kink'.  So we should just accept people the way they are even if we do think they are a little strange."

"Four, Never date your friend's spouses or girlfriends/boyfriends.  This is just not acceptable behavior and could get you into a LOT of trouble so it is just best to avoid the situation."

By this time I am staring at my husband who had been correcting the wording in their recitation of these laws as they were uttered. I had to laugh and just walk away.

 Defeated. 

At the time, I remember thinking that if it was true that you learn everything you need to know in Kindergarten, just what then, was my husband's Kindergarten class like?  With him in it?

Truthfully, though, we did teach our kids more than to just find humor where ever you can find it.  My husband and I are very proud of all of our kids and we wouldn't sell any of them... even on the bad days... even if someone offered us more than ten cents a pound...

If you have not bought, 'All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten' by Robert Fulghum, you really need to.  Especially if you have kids.  Especially if you have two year olds... or teenagers... or husbands...

     (see below the page line if you would like to read the passage from the book in which this post was consulted)

Black Holes And Universes...

Recently it came to me that almost all of our children have really grown up and instead of being participants in their lives, my husband and I are now merely spectators. I don't feel like we're old enough to have all our children grown yet. Still, I've come to an undeniable truth I didn't know when we started our wonderful and quirky family so many years ago:

"Children are like your own personal black hole that will eat up all your money, all your energy, all your patience, all your soul and your very life and you sometimes wonder why you wanted them... and then one day, you look inside that black hole and you realize that it is not black, nor is it empty, but instead it is now a whole new breathtakingly beautiful, awe inspiring universe just waiting to be explored." ~ by Lemon Stand

The Lemon Stand Pep Talk...

Our daughter, Nicole, is about to graduate from cosmetology school with far better grades than she has ever had. I suspect this is because it is something that she really likes to do (and having 4 other sisters to practice on over the years probably didn't hurt).  Although it seems a little strange at first to have my hair done at home, I think I can honestly say that I could get used to the perks of having a daughter willing to do this for me and especially where I don't have to wait for an opening at the hairdressers (and I think Nicole appreciates the fact that I still pay her the going rates because she does still have student loans to pay off).  All of our kids have learning weaknesses and Nicole is no exception, but she has discovered her niche and overcome a lot to achieve her success.  She has worked hard and I have no doubt that she will attain whatever goal she chooses next to pursue.  I also have no doubt that she will always be successful by using this same formula of success that is uniquely Nicoles'. We could not be more proud of her.

Our daughter Rachel has started to receive college acceptance letters for art schools along with some very nice dean's scholarships for her high grade point average.  There is no doubt she is extremely talented. She has worked very hard to get where she is, although some might think her dyslexia is a major weakness, her cleverness in getting around it is one of her major strengths along with an extremely impressive work ethic. We have never had to get on her about homework.  (I have no idea where this gene she got came from. I certainly cannot claim the same drive to succeed that she has) In fact, she puts us to shame as parents in not asking often enough if she needs any help or encouragement to achieve and remain at the level she has elevated herself to.  She has done this on her own.  

How successful? Well, if you happen to be in Boston for the next month or so, some of her artwork is being shown publicly with others that have won honors with their artistic abilities from the Boston Globe's Annual Art and Writing Contest. One of her works will continue on to the national level in New York City.  (She obviously did not get this gene directly from her father or I, although her Aunt Laurie is very artistically gifted. I also see the irony in the first school to accept her was the same school my father turned down a full ride art scholarship to.)

I want to mention that our daughters Danielle and Nina are no less successful for wanting to take time off from school to figure out what direction they want to pursue. Sometimes, knowing when to take a step back and look at the big picture of where you are and where you want to be, is the best first step in figuring out how to get there.  Many people get to this point and stop indefinitely. The trick is to not give up.  Figuring out a goal and then working out how to achieve it is one of the hardest lessons in life and the harder it is to achieve, the more it is appreciated when you've arrived.  Ladies, we are no less impressed and proud of all you have done to this point.  Don't lose hope or belief in yourselves.  Keep telling yourself that you can be discouraged tomorrow after you have turned the next corner to see what it holds and if it is not all you hoped for, then keep putting one foot in front of the other because another corner is just up ahead.  You can only lose in life if you give up and if you feel you are close to that line, you need only ask yourself if you really want to give up all your hopes and dreams based on what has already happened or is it worth it to you to keep trying, no matter what.

To all of our daughters. Life is all about brick walls and how you handle them. If you come to a roadblock, you are lucky.  Roadblocks mean that you are learning and growing and gaining the knowledge necessary to learn how to get past them.  This is a good thing.  Don't ever look at a dead end as the end.  It is, only if you let it be.  It isn't, if you don't let it be. It is only a lesson, so learn it and move on.  Those who are successful look back on all those lessons as the foundation of steps it took to get to where they wanted to be.  Keep on stepping lively.  You DO have what it takes to reach for a dream and make it come true.

There have been many times in my life when I wished I had had my own cheering section. To have learned these lessons of success before I hit my 40s.  Alas, I have learned that you are never too old to make one's dreams come true or to learn that if you are making mistakes that it is a good thing, because it means that you are trying. If I never teach you anything else, the lesson I hope you all learn is that you can only fail in life if you don't try. I can guarantee it won't be easy, but I can also guarantee it will be worth it.

It's Not Always About The Funny...

I promised Meleah of Mama Mia, Mea Culpa that I would be brave, dig deep and post about my demons (which I rarely do).  [I think I've actually ended up in China] Meleah's walking a hard road, and I seem to have a lot of friends (Sarah) and family that are also struggling right now with life. My post started to look like the Encyclopedia Britannica so I decided to not reinvent the wheel as you will see below.

I may say that writing about demons is not really what my blog is all about, but that's not quite true.  Meleah made me remember, if I truly want to be honest with myself, why I don't just write this blog for the funny, humorous ways I try to look at things. A way to try to understand why things happen the way they do and that all tears that are shed are not necessarily bad. 

This blog started as a place for me because I don't just want to write, I need to write, and this includes those very few serious posts that dig deep and allows me to rip off the bandage of a hurt to air what is festering within me beneath the surface.  To help heal and be at peace with what causes deep pain within me.  This blog is part of what helps me to stay on track.  It's my map and it almost always shows me the right way. In truth, I find I sometimes have gotten lost without it. I need this compass to reset me in the right direction. 

I keep this blog public because I have found, to my surprise, that I am not alone in my troubles and that is heartening.  I have been told that sometimes, my posts touch and helps to soothe something in someone else's life. The good, the bad, the ugly, the scary and the depressing things are all aired like dirty laundry. Knowing that what helps to heal me helps others is humbling.

So I want to share what this blog means to me. It's a commitment... I believe a commitment is to keep going even when you knowingly or unknowingly let life knock you on your ass.  A commitment is when you try even harder to reach that goal no matter how many bricks are placed in your path, it is a determination to adapt, adjust and overcome. To use those bricks to build a solid foundation that won't allow you to crumble. A commitment is when you look at that brick wall and you automatically start looking for ways to go around it, under it, over it, breaking through it, or when necessary, you paint it with a picture of what you are committed to attaining and then you find a different road to your goal.  

Jimmy Dean once said, "I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

I am like every other human being and get discouraged, lost, depressed or sometimes feel unappreciated.  I need reminders of what is important.  New Year resolutions are an excuse to wait for a certain day to make a commitment to something better for you, your friends or your family.  Just like Alice in Wonderland, instead of celebrating ONE birthday, we should be celebrating EVERY UN-BIRTHDAY.

I have many goals and blessings to remember and be thankful for.  If reading any of this helps someone else take a good long look around on the road they are on, where they are really going, and helps to scrounge up the courage to take that first step that may start a journey of a thousand miles for them, then the fear and humiliation of sharing these things are more than worth it to me. I have made a lot of mistakes, but I choose to look at myself as a work in progress whenever I can.

With all this in mind, I give you my thoughts on the toughest things I've ever faced.  Not for pity, not for attention, not for someone else's amusement.  This is for those who come here to read about keeping it together.  To find humor or a different way of looking at a problem. A different perspective. I pray that I have been lucky enough to have painted many clear mental pictures and that you will find somewhere in the middle of it all a small nugget that will 'speak' to you, maybe give you some small measure of peace...

Feel free to skip this post. This post is not about the funny. There are many people do not want to read of someone else's troubles and how they got through them and I can totally respect that.  I'll be back to the funny soon.  For those that want to know what has kept me sane despite the lobbing of so many lemons then go ahead and click only on those things you feel a need know. There are 11 posts (out of over 500 posts I've written here and on my previous blog) and I doubt anyone one wants that much of me in one day... at least without some serious chocolate or libation. :)  Yes, there are always hints of humor, but I've truly never been more serious in my life. The humor merely helps to ease the pain.

First, I think it's important to know the definition of courage, bravery and change. I used to think I was never brave. That I was a coward all the time for not handling events in my life better.  I was wrong and maybe it's time for you to find out you are too.

Learn to celebrate the little things in life.  “It is not always possible to live in the moment, but when the opportunity does present itself….do not waste it for it is precious and may not come again.” ~ Lemon Stand

Remember to count your blessings. "When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the morning light, for your life and strength. Give thanks for your food, and the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies with yourself."  ~ Tecumseh Shawnee Chief (1768-1813)

Do not allow your past to ruin or take away your future.  Remember, "A man whose yesterdays rest on his horizon travels forward into his past.  The result is that he goes a very long way to nowhere." ~ Catherine Anderson

I have a very deep and personal relationship with depression and if the winter blues or any other form of the depression gets you down.  You are NOT alone.  Far from it.  These were the hardest of all my posts to write. There is no deeper digging that I could do. Depression and PTSD are the 'Nessie' (of Loch Ness fame) in my life and I tried to explain how it affects and has affected my family.  

I've written about Alcoholism. My father's to be exact.  His story is so sad because it is very common.  Then I wrote about the legacy he left me and my final understanding of the 'why' of it and how I escaped his fate.

And lastly I have written about how I can look back and laugh at it all and have discovered there truly is an Instruction Manual of Life.
 

Nessie And I...

Yes, Nessie The Loch Ness Monster,  and I are on a first name basis, but we will never be BFFs!  Nessie and I have been fighting and it's turning into a no-holds-barred, no-rules-applied, knock-down, dragged-out fight.  As I sit here writing this, it's sounds rather comical and if life were all puppy dogs and rainbows this would actually be comical.  As it is, though, there are times when my own personal 'Nessie' wins no matter how hard I fight it.  No matter how many times I tell myself (and everyone around tells me) that there are so many others who have problems that are way more serious than mine.  Most of the time, this works.  But for someone who battles severe depression, panic attacks and PTSD up close and personal, there are times when that statement only makes things worse. 

Of course I know that I am in a way better place than most people.  Here's the thing, though.  Within that very vivid awareness of those other people... my problems are just not important.  I'm not important.  Sometimes, this statement just says, "I have absolutely no right to the emotions and feelings that I am fighting."  Which is why I do not write when I am in this terrible place.  It is why I do not call when I am in this terrible place.  It is why I seem to disappear off the face of the planet and it is why I don't even leave my house when I am in this terrible place.  What right do I have to complain over something I have no control over?  And do you want to know the worst part of all this?  It's the effect it has on my family.  They hurt for me.  They worry for me.  They have learned that they cannot not count on me when I am here in this terrible place.  Which also makes them question whether they can count on me when I am not in this terrible place.  How do you think that makes me feel right at this moment?

It also has an enormous effect on my friends.  They feel they are just not important enough to me when I don't call.  They feel the burden of friendship with someone who they can't be around because it brings them down.  I don't think they're aware that I know how I effect those around me.  That because I care a great deal for them, I do not want to do that to them?

Shielding everyone I care about from the worst of the effects of depression, panic attacks and flashbacks is the only way I can keep going.  Why would I want to share that much despair and misery?  I hope I never turn into that kind of person.  They hurt and have to deal with enough as it is because of me and this incurable illness.  It's a mythical illness to most people, because they can not see or feel how you bleed inside.  Your wounds are not visible, therefore they are not real to them. 

If I have to battle it out with Nessie, then I would rather drag her to my doctor's office where she can't effect those people who are most important to me.  So yes.  It means they can't count on me when I am away at war, so to speak.  That hurts more than anyone could know, but you want to know what would be worse?  The idea that I would ever bring that war home with me.  No.  This is a battle where only I can see the enemy.  Therefore that enemy is as invisible to everyone else as if it were the Loch Ness Monster (only without the colorful and interesting myths surrounding it). 

By the way, this does not mean I am deliberately isolating myself at home with no battle plan in mind... a backup battle plan... and even a backup for the backup battle plan.  It means that I am aware of the need to take care of 'me' so that I can go back to taking care of everyone else.  It is mentally tiring to avoid saying anything negative when I am at this point, so talking with family and friends about anything more important than 'what's for dinner?' becomes very difficult, if not impossible.  Those conversations I save for my therapist.  At least I try to, but there are still times when I can hear myself saying something and cringing in horror inside, but unable to stop the severe diarrhea of the mouth.  I sound bitter, angry, ugly, selfish, and the rest of the negative adjectives Mr. Webster ever published... and a few he probably never even considered.  I decided long ago that when telephone conversations became so stilted and mentally draining by the effort of not just breaking down and crying, it was best not to place the call in the first place.  It's also time to seek more time with the doctor and therapist.The effort to communicate also includes handling the labeling consequences.  The expression on people's faces when, for some reason, I have to explain to them why I am acting like someone just revoked my access to oxygen or I that I have PTSD is almost universal.  Their expressions say, "Oh, my God!  Is she going to go postal?" or "I knew there wasn't something right about her." or "Depression is contagious." If there is one thing I am sure of, it's that I am NOT insane, nor has it ever crossed my mind to hurt anyone (regardless of how irritating they are... although I might make an exception for the person who has been doing the 'snow dance' lately).  As for the "Depression is contagious"?  I'd have to agree with that one.  But it's also true that "Happiness is contagious." 

I think the best way to describe depression and PTSD to give others a frame of reference here is...  depression is like a cold of the mind instead of cold of the body.  If left untreated, it can turn into pneumonia of the mind.  And yes.  Just like this cold bug, untreated, it can eventually kill you.  Even when the worst of the battle is over, just like recuperating from any other severe, physical illness, it takes time to get back on your feet.  I have often wished that I would turn as blue as a Smurf when this hits, so that everyone can see I'm getting sick and then everyone can see when I am better. 

I am so very aware of the effect I have on my family, friends and the world around me, so it's important for me to heal from my invisible illness.  It is why I try to write of good things.  Happy things.  Humorous things.  There is not one person on this flipping planet that does not need something to smile, laugh or feel good about.  It is why I try to go out of my way especially when I am depressed to do something nice for someone else.  It doesn't only make them feel good.  It makes me feel like I can still share a smile, and that if I can do that, then I'm going to be ok.  It might take me a while, but I now know I am going to be ok.

[PS.  Most of my family and friends do not know about my writing outside of this blog, so I'm going to finally  link to a post over at SpouseBUZZ about the "Winter Blues" and depression in general I wrote a while ago.  I included some really great links about what depression IS and what it ISN'T.  And that is really where "Nessie" got her name...(and yes, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner]

A Monday Of Rocks, Pebbles, Sand And Coffee...

I haven't had much time to read all my favorite blogs in quite a while and so I did not see a post by Rave of The Last Cordwainer until this past weekend.  It was her first post of the new year with her salutations and philosophy of life.  (I love your salutation Rave and agree that I am NOT special and several 'years' have not attacked me at once and so I am almost a month behind and more than several dollars short, but I still wanted to wish you a Happy New Year too!)

Rave's post stuck in my mind all weekend, so this morning, to find a peace of mind (or maybe a piece of my mind that has gone missing), I went to research the story she shared about a Philosophy Teacher's class and whether it had ever been published anywhere as I'm always looking for books to add to my 'The Giving Book Club' collection. Apparently it's been around for a long time and there are many different versions that all say essentially the same thing.

I could not discover who was the original author. So I've tried to find the most complete version to post here for me to add to my collection as a great reminder of minding what is important.

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2 inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full?

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

Most agreed it was. 

The students laughed. Some of them were getting to know his pattern. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

Again he asked if the jar was full as he packed the sand down tightly.

Almost everyone agreed that it now must be full, after all, what else would fit, right?

It was then that the professor took his cup of coffee and slowly poured it into the sand, where it was absorbed and went in between the sand, the pebbles and the rocks.

“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.

The sand is everything else, the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

The Coffee though, that represents everything that is none of your business!

So often our lives are filled with the things that do not even belong to us, do not even concern us. If I filled this jar with coffee, what would happen with the first rock, the first pebble or even the first teaspoon of sand? The coffee would spill out and you would be left in a puddle of someone else’s business.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.

Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.” 

Leave the coffee for someone else!

Life Lesson...

I recently had a talk with one of our daughters that has turned out to be one of those conversations that will forever remain etched into my brain.

Bad things happen to good people. We perceive what, through our eyes, we envy in others and that is their endless blessings and their seeming idiocy in taking them all for granted.  We do not see with their eyes, nor do they see with ours.  My grandfather once told me to never judge another until you've walked a mile in their shoes and have seen life through their eyes. In other words, do not envy what you know nothing about, no matter how it looks from the outside looking in.

By the same token, do not put what you perceive as a cushion of safety and distance around yourself to keep you safe from possibly being hurt by others who could do so or let you down lest you tar everyone with the same brush and push away what could have become your greatest blessings and source of strength if you had only been brave enough to let them in. Bravery is not being unafraid, it is being afraid and trying anyway because the reason for it is that important and to not give up. The ONLY way you will fail at ANYTHING in life is to stop trying.

Not all people will let you down. Will some of them? Of course! Will YOU let someone down? Of course! Will you always let someone down?  That is for you to decide for you must also reach out and give the love, friendship and hope everyone needs to thrive and be happy in order to receive it.

Nobody controls everything in their lives, we don't even control most things and as children, we control even less.  As we age we begin to learn to control the only thing we truly can change and that is our own reactions to the events of the life we are living and have lived and those people around us. Make a difference in someone else's life in order to make a difference in your own.

I believe that all things happen for a reason and also that we can't always see the reason for it. If we could know all that would happen in our future, there would be no new beginning in every sunrise. No joy to be discovered with each new day, no satisfaction of a job well done or a difference made at the end of every new night.

Do not look on your past as if you are the moon that has been pitted and marred by those things that have hit and hurt it.  See instead the hand and chisel of a talented sculptor who still chips away at the rough edges to reveal the strength and beauty that awaits inside the lump of rock to yet be revealed.

QOTD: "I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free." ~ Michelangelo

A New Letter For An Old Year...

2012,
    I guess I'm not thinking in terms of a new year yet, heck I only just got used to writing your new name. [Now the world has to go and mess up a perfectly good number I've grown so comfortable with. Guess even the Mayan calendar could not change this.] So farewell 2012. You have had your moments of every possible part of the emotional and physical spectrum and I can appreciate that you are tired and want to be laid to rest. So I will awake and greet 2013 with an open mind and heart, but you will remain forever in my mind as one of the years of great change and education in my life as to what's truly important. I woke up every morning of 2012 and I want you to know I have been grateful for that gift of your sunrises and sunsets. Rest now. If the Mayan Calendar has it's way, you'll be back in a few millennia.

Lemon Stand

Signs...

Most people look at the world and they see it with their eyes.  In our household, it seems, we tend to look and see (mostly twisted and dry) humor first and then see it how the rest of the world sees it.

For instance:

 

Rachel, "Dad says when he gets home we should fix that road sign." 

Me, "What road sign and what KIND of fixing?"

Rachel, "The road sign at the bottom of the hill just up from our house."  (The rest of the local population would see a sign marking the end of the current road and know that they must now choose a new direction of travel. This is apparently not specific enough for my husband and daughter...)

Me, "What KIND of 'fixing'?"

Rachel, "It needs directions to Narnia or Mordor. We're just going to add it to the sign."

I can not find a description for my husband's parenting technique.  This is the same man who taught our children (and they educated me on his wisdom) many years ago about the Four Laws of Life According to Daddy:

"One, Never break more than one law at a time.  So if we were able to drive and had a tail light that was busted, we shouldn't speed."

"Two, Never bring along a camera if you are going to break the law.  That one was easy to understand so we didn't really need an explanation for that one."

"Three, Never try to understand someone else's 'kink'.  So we should just accept people the way they are even if we do think they are a little strange."

"Four, Never date your friend's spouses or girlfriends/boyfriends.  This is just not acceptable behavior and could get you into a LOT of trouble so it is just best to avoid the situation."

Just to be clear about this.  They will NOT be decorating or embellishing this sign. We are law abiding citizens (mostly)... and besides... I don't want to have to go bail them out of jail. 

PS.  I had to ask Rachel yesterday, which way the sign was pointed to our house... "Definitely Narnia." Why this made me happy, I don't know. It just did.  :)

PPS. This post comes to you courtesy of inspiration from Dustbury.  :)

QOTD: "For business reasons, I must preserve the outward signs of sanity." ~ Mark Twain

To Look Back And Laugh...

I've been thinking about all the horrendous and spectacular disasters that have peppered our lives.  My husband's and mine, that is.  I have realized that over the years, I've become pretty good at trying to find the silver lining... and most of the time, it's because it's seems hilarious now that it is a good distance in the past.

There was the time a 6 foot snake in our laundry room ended up in his own 'spin' cycle. There was the time that natural disasters seemed to follow us around the world.  In the span of about three years there were three major hurricanes, a volcanic eruption, earthquakes, a tsunami, and a typhoon that completely destroyed our house.  (My father-in-law told us (mostly kidding) that we could not come home until our relationship with disasters changed.  Can't say I blamed him.)

Actually, if I go far enough back (and forward), we've also survived floods, hail, blizzards, ice storms, and tornadoes.  There was the time we played the game of hide and seek with a rat and we all lost in a rather gruesome fashion. See (only if you are not drinking or eating anything... hmmm, maybe I should also warn you that you might not want to be at work... or a library?)  Resurrection of the "I'll See You the Flu During a PCS and Raise You an Online Hotel Reservation that Turned Out to be a Drug Den" Military Poker Game...

Lately our vehicles are either engaging in unhealthy relationships or just plain committing suicide on us.  (Husband, daughter and a date with a tree and ALL our vehicles dying the week after the husband leaves them behind for sandier climes?) I must remind myself of the possible silver linings here... After all, the search for replacement vehicles could have me sitting back and watching while the rest of the family uses dead bodies as a unit of measure needed in their requirements for trunk space. Seriously. After you read memories like that or rather in my case, remember memories like that, how could I NOT laugh?  The realization that there are actually very few events in my life that I can't look back on with humor, always gives me hope.  I can not predict the future, nor can I change the past but I can invite the memories over for a 'movie night'.  All I'll need is a little popcorn and soda.  (to be ingested only during commercials and intermissions)  :)

QOTD: "God gave us memories that we might have roses in December." ~ J. M. Barrie, Courage - 1922