31 December 2011

No Drama...

If you didn't notice I was gone... Great! SINCERE Happy Holidays!

If you have left me a comment. I'm sorry, I haven't seen it.
If you have emailed me or snail-mailed me. I'm sorry, I haven't seen it.
If you have called me. I'm sorry, I haven't been able to answer it.
If you have even knocked on our front door.  I'm sorry, I wasn't able to answer it.
If you have tweeted, face-booked, circled, hell, smoked-signaled me or whatever new communication method that has been discovered in my absence....  just lather, rinse, repeat...
If you have visited me... I can't remember so don't take anything I said seriously...
I just wanted to let all of those who were starting to wonder if I'd gone on vacation...

I AM alive.
I HAVE most definitely been able to spend A LOT of time with my family (you know, you birth a child and they grow up so you think you really know them... apparently not. Luckily most of it has been humorous).
Our family even got to spend a day with my best friend's family! So YES. The holidays were lovely. As you can see I even still have my sense of humor.  :)  Unfortunately, I have had some complication issues come up with my back and am BACK on the serious drugs... (don't worry though... the humorous drug's aren't far behind I'm told, which means I will be fine.) It also means my computer looks like the spin cycle of my washer... So I just wanted to let everyone know that I'll be back... without a Schwarzenegger imitation...  It might take a little while so don't worry.

Happy New Year!

from typist. You can obviously tell she's feeling fine at the moment.  She's just impatient and a bad patient and a loopy patient and won't stop trying to get around.  Don't tell Mom I typed that!  She IS ok tho and she so picky about the spelling and she actually swore

15 December 2011

Santa's Training Mission Almost Ends In Tragedy...

Once upon a blue moon, I was actually stationed at the North American Aerospace Defense Command (otherwise known as NORAD) inside Cheyenne Mountain and I can tell you that they DO track Santa on Christmas Eve... Over the years, the ability to actually see this phenomena has evolved with the digital age.  This years plans were already being put in place as Google will clearly tell you... but apparently Santa did NOT tell them he was doing a few practice training missions with his reindeer and... well?  Ummmm, there is now at least ONE pilot who won't be seeing anything but coal in his stocking this year... unless, of course, the reindeer decide to leave their own 'presents'...  The pictures below the fold line might want to be kept from your offspring unless you are SURE that you can explain exactly what happened and how, everything by Christmas Eve will be the way it should be... (just thought I'd warn ya)

13 December 2011

Technology Is My Friend?

It's computer time here. Or should I say lack thereof? We started a snowball with one car accident with one of our daughters. The next day, my husband and another daughter, were in my car when they had a fight with a falling tree...  and didn't win the argument.

So many other things have suddenly decided to come for an extended stay with our family, that I am overwhelmed. SO. Everyone is doing fine... however, since chipping a bone off and herniating a disk in my back last February... somehow the TAXES never got filed! Just wanted everyone to know that all is well except for the entire family's filing skills. You do NOT want to know where I have been finding missing documents and receipts. If you have never heard of a Pulse (or Echo) pen by Livescribe... you should check it out. It is saving our collective hides and shortening my tax imposed stay glued to mountains of paperwork! (between organizing, putting lists together and recording (by voice) my very creative use of verbiage about all the places I have already searched... it also does something I never knew it could... I just have to write an equation on a piece of paper and it tells me the answer automatically... how cool is that?)

Anyway, I know I am known as the Queen of avoiding anything that looks like technology of any form. (understatement of the year) I just want to let everyone feel my pain of technology by watching this 6th grader... absolutely unbelievable!

24 November 2011

To Live Like You Were Dying...

Today is Thanksgiving Day.  A time to reflect and appreciate the things we are gifted and blessed with.  I am deeply grateful for the immense amount blessings in my life, but most of all, I am thankful for one more day.  Today.

What if you knew you only had one more day to live... What would you do? What is so important to you that you would do it right away? What if you had only a Week? One Month? One Year?

Today is a day to give thanks and I sure have an immense amount of blessings and gifts to be grateful for, but so much contemplation has also brought home to me that most of us never know how much time we have left. So I have been asking myself these questions: Did I kiss my family goodbye this morning? Did I tell them that I love them? Can I find time to call my sister and tell her how proud I am of her or call my best friend to tell her how much I miss living closer to her?

Did I try my very hardest today to be a good wife, mother, friend? Did I unmistakably express to my family and friends that even when I'm gone, I'll have loved them. I'll have cherished how much they've touched me and made a difference in my life in so many ways? What kind of legacy do I want to leave behind? What kind am I actually leaving behind? What can I change? What can I still accomplish?

Am I wasting precious time on things/thoughts/worries that do not really make a difference in the grand scheme of things? How much more time will I waste instead a playing a board game with my youngest? Talking with my oldest? Enjoy just being with all my children? Laughing with my husband?

I want to not only live every day to it's fullest but to inspire my children to do the same because our time is finite. We are only alloted so much and whether the end is near or far it is still the end of this life.

So will you live like life is a never ending series of events or will you live like you were dying? Will you seize the day and use the gift of tomorrow, if it should come, to accomplish what is most important to you? Or will you waste it on worry? Anger? Frustration? Things beyond your control? Will you wait to do something important until the time is right? Will you wait until the New Year? The next free weekend?

Just a thought.  Happy Thanksgiving, all!

QOTD: "Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows." Pope Paul VI (1897-1978)

18 November 2011

The Holiday Tradition Swap...

I know it is not even Thanksgiving, but I wanted you to get a chance to ruminate on this and perhaps start a new tradition for the holidays, when ever you choose to start your own personal season.  This post will stay at the top of my blog because I love to hear about other people's traditions and hope that you will share yours with me and others. Feel free to steal any of our ideas and post your tradition in the comments or with a back link. Think of it like a cookie swap.... This is my yearly Holiday Tradition swap. :o) Have fun!!!!

Michael, over on the blog The Wonderful World Of Nothing Worthwhile, wrote a post about his feelings about the holiday spirit of Christmas.  In our house we have developed several family traditions regarding Christmas spirit. Both, I think, because there was little money and sometimes, family members were deployed by the military.

14 November 2011

The Only Reason We Buy Video Games...

My husband hunted and gathered for our dinner tonight and brought home KFC.  For dinner and entertainment, we sat with our youngest daughter Erin and commented on daughter Danielle's performance of the video game, Nathan Drake's Uncharted.  A truly wonderful family moment between the chicken leg through the mash potatoes and gravy.  Normally I'd say it was a Kodak moment but the narration reigned supreme.

Erin, "You're supposed to shoot him."
Danielle, "Shut up."
Erin, "You're supposed to kill him with the grenade."
Danielle, "Shut up."
Me, "Huh, what's this game called?"
Danielle, whilst shooting her way through a dungeon, "Nathan Drake's Uncharted.  He's supposed to be a descendant of Sir Francis Drake. Nathan Fillion wants to play him in a movie."
Me, "Really? Does HE know how to shoot that weapon with any accuracy?"
Danielle, "Shut up."
Me, "The shooting doesn't look very realistic."
Erin, "Neither does the blood spatter."
Me, "Neither does the bullet count from that particular weapon, but at least he has his stance right."
Danielle, "Do you want to see what real blood spatter look like?"
Husband, "We should take her to Paris... Island."
Me, "Hey, Danielle.  Do you want to be a marine?"
Danielle, "No,"
Husband, "That's probably best.  You're shooting's not very accurate."
Danielle, "Shut up." 
Husband, "Well at least Justin Timberlake has gone up in my estimation."
Me, "You saw that, too? His Marine Corps Ball post?"
Husband, "Yeah.  Hey Danielle.  The marine corps could show you just how to use that grenade launcher.  You sure you don't want to reconsider your options?"
Danielle, "NO."
Erin, "You're supposed to shoot him.  He's not supposed to shoot you."
Danielle, "You're going to get shown violence up close and personal."
Me, "He's fading out.  Is he feinting? He's feinting.  Is he SUPPOSED to do that?"
Danielle, "Just GIVE me a minute!"
Erin, "You're dead."
Danielle, "So are you if you don't shut up!"
Me, "Well.  This has been entertaining, but it's time to go find something more heart palpitating. Like the Loo."

Plus the added bonus to have blog fodder.  All in all.  Another successful family dinner at casa de Lemon.  Still, I must put a caveat, because the girls give me crap about not having a photographic verbal memory.  Wording is never EXACTLY correct. It's true.  But do you REALLY want me to start recording dinner time conversation? No?  Then life is good!  :)

Parental School Of Selective Properties...

I never took physics in school, but the parental classroom has been a wonderful education all on it's own.  I've learned, for instance, the properties of, including, but not in any way limited to:

liquid on diapers...  the diaper package didn't say 24-50 lbs load...

liquid on diapers...  rate of use rises in direct proportion to the number of diapers you have on hand (fifteen minutes PAST the close of the closest store)...

rate of effect and strength of absorption on long term memory... includes every single word of the things you wish had never passed your lips...

rate of effect and strength of absorption on short term memory... excludes all things associated with what a child was supposed to do for you when the payoff isn't immediate (oh, and get everything in writing. Anything else is apparently affected by the above properties of memory on your own feeble, aged mind to remember anything when it is the least advantageous to you and not advantageous to your teenager)...

rate of effect and strength of absorption on short term memory... includes all things associated with chores...

selective deafness... on children being called to the breakfast table...

selective muteness... to being down to the last three squares of toilet paper on a roll or the last two tablespoons of milk....

selective blindness... to the dirt they are tracking across your just washed floor...

time... it flies when you don't have it ...

time... flies whether you're having fun or not...

teenagers... any value a monetary unit has, will always have been researched (with bibliography) in advance of request... their term paper has not (been researched, that is)...

silence... is NOT golden when you have toddlers...

illness... dying and well on their way to the death... until the school bus pulls away or before a snow day has been called...

perseverance... absent when it involves any kind of activity that looks like it might include work...

perseverance... when one parent doesn't produce the desired results, then try the other parent, or a Grandpa or anyone within the family hierarchic connections...

inclusion... all things within the house and yard belong to the house (not specifically to the parents) and everyone in it.  Hence, it's okay to use, lose, use up, damage, give away or take without specific permission anything you like (I could swear I have bought, looked upon, picked up, washed, fed, heard and/or felt every single thing on our property... this permission of use is not in any way given or implied anywhere that I have been able to find. Must make note to either find a good lawyer or pay for your child's law school.  Don't worry, they can pass the bar without the schooling but that just might look suspicious. Best to keep these things on the up and up.  After all, honesty is the best policy)... 

choices... kids learn early... always have someone else to blame (this would include the homework your child fed to the dog or cat)...

equal opportunity... only if that means someone else pulled the short straw and the opportunity to annoy one's siblings...

selective deafness, blindness and the absence of feeling of touch... absence of ability detect dishes in the sink, clothes in the washer, clothes in the dryer, the full dishwasher, the empty dishwasher, the toilet seat, dirt in any and all of its forms...

properties and effects of soap and water on a teenager... apparently none...

13 November 2011

Emergency Stress Relief Hotline...

This has been an amazingly stressful week and it seems I'm not alone. So I'm reposting something that was born out of the brain of someone who had reached the point of losing her sense of humor, her patience, and most of all, her mind. I hope it'll help as much reading as it did writing.
~ Lemon Stand

It has been so stressful around here that I actually dreamed I was calling someone and instead got something like the following message.  I think my subconscious mind has been hanging out too long with my husband because this truly sounds like something he would put on our answering machine!
You have reached the Emergency Stress Relief Hotline, if the cause of your distress is due to a person other than yourself, please press 1 and you will be connected with persons who have similar concerns about this individual.  They will then assist you in making plans on where to hide the body.
If the cause of your distress is due to your own behavior, please press 2 and you will be connected with a large burly male with a size 18 shoe named Sue who will be delighted to arrange for your emergency attitude adjustment appointment. 

If the cause of your distress is due to an incident beyond your control, please press 3 and you will be connected to your mother, sibling, spouse or best friend for either a sympathetic ear and hug or an appointment at the nearest pub for a few rounds.  Please be advised that your mother would prefer the former, rather than the latter. 

If the cause of your distress is due to an incident you are responsible for, please press 5 and you will be re-enrolled in a Kindergarten class of your choice.  This opportunity is being offered to you since it has been scientifically proven that anything you needed to learn about life, responsibility and getting along with others was learned there and it's obvious that you may need a refresher course.

If the cause of your distress is due to a condition you have no control over, please press 6 and you will be connected with your therapist who will once again go over the concept of acceptance of what you can not change.  You will then be enrolled in a therapeutic art class where you may release your emotions onto canvas and then become an overnight sensation of the art world where people will pay thousands for your 'angsty' accomplishments.

If the cause of your distress is due to a condition you do have control over, please press 7 and you will be connected with your Father so you may receive the benefit of his wisdom.  He will then ask you to explain why you are allowing yourself to feel distress over something you have control over, what are your plans to not only survive the adversity but to thrive on the opportunity, because really, that's what fathers are for.

If the cause of your distress is due to the universe in general and bad karma in particular, please press 8 and you will be connected to an astrologist who will read the heavens and tell you exactly what is distressing you and why.  After obtaining this information, please again call the Emergency Stress Relief Hotline phone number and press the appropriate number for assistance.

If you truly do not know the cause of your distress, please press 9 and you will be connected with a travel agent who will book you a stay on a desert isle for as long as needed in which to contemplate your situation.  Please be advised that the accommodations are single occupancy only for the greatest amount of quiet time in which to ponder your life.  Further, be also advised there is no electricity and therefore any electronic devices are discouraged.  When you have returned to civilization, please again call the Emergency Stress Relief Hotline phone number and press the appropriate number for assistance.

For all other questions please press 0 and a customer service expert in India will be with you shortly.  If possible, please have a translator available for a translation of instructions, otherwise our customer service experts will be more than happy to stay on the line and attempt to communicate with you until you understand or have given up in frustration.

Thank you and have a nice day.

12 November 2011

Santa Clause Might Want To Rethink Stopping At Our House...

There are days when I feel like I'm living in a holiday diorama.  Already. Complete with fake cheer.  Well, I needed some real cheer, a little laughter and a bright light today, all of which Rachel has in spades. This memory is special to me and always gives me chuckle even when I don't want to laugh. This and Pumpkin Cheesecake? I'm set and good to go.  Bring on the wonder:
My conversation with Rachel yesterday...
Rachel, "How does Santa get to everyone's house in one night?" (She already knows the answer, but of course, she is leading me up the primrose path...)

Me, "It's magic."

Rachel, "How does he know what you want? If he knows that much about you, he must be stalking you. Why don't the police ever arrest him for stalking? And how come he never gets arrested for breaking and entering? And for that matter, he doesn't ever seem to get caught for stealing cookies either. Why doesn't he ever have to pay for his crimes?"

Me, "Huh.... You know you really know how to kill the Christmas Spirit?"
Rachel, "Don't worry Mom, it's only November. There's plenty of time to get it back. Still, I think Santa should at least be reported to the SPCA or PETA. Just look at the amount of fur he wears on his clothing and how he forces the reindeer to work more than an eight hour shift. And really... we should sic the fashion police on him. Sheesh, everyone knows that red is NOT a suitable color for a guy that large!"
Guess it's time to cancel Christmas at our house...
QOTD: "After today, I'll bet Santa takes a shovel to the reindeer stalls to fill your stocking." Bill Watterson (1958-) American Author of the comic strip Calvin Hobbs
The memory originally posted 2 October, 2007.


QOTD: My FIL to my husband : "You do not need to know it all, you just need to know someone who knows that small, little part of what you need."

11 November 2011

To Those Who Have Served...

On the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month of 1918, an armistice, or temporary cessation of hostilities, was declared between the Allied nations and Germany in the First World War, then known as "the Great War." Commemorated as Armistice Day beginning the following year, November 11th became a legal federal holiday in the United States in 1938. In the aftermath of World War II and the Korean War, Armistice Day became Veterans Day, a holiday dedicated to American veterans of all wars.A

Many Americans mistakenly believe that Veterans Day is the day America sets aside to honor American military personnel who died in battle or as a result of wounds sustained from combat. That's not quite true. Memorial Day is the day set aside to honor America's war dead. Veterans Day, on the other hand, honors ALL American veterans, both living and dead. In fact, Veterans Day is largely intended to thank LIVING veterans for dedicated and loyal service to their country. November 11 of each year is the day that we ensure veterans know that we deeply appreciate the sacrifices they have made in the lives to keep our country free.Thank You For Your Sacrifices

According to the Department of Defense there are approximately 3 million Military Service Members both Active Duty and Reserve serving today.B  According to the Census Bureau web site there are approximately 310 million people living in the United States.C  Which, if you calculate the percentages... less than 1% of the population protects and defends the freedoms of this nation for the rest of us on a daily basis... 
Copyright © 2009  Paulette Smith All Rights Reserved.

10 November 2011

The Armadillo And Land Navigation...

I read about an The Armadillo And Land Navigation once by blogger Claire Shackelford of Colloquial Soliloquy that it was put on my personal list of lemonade.  It made me laugh, it made me think, but even better... when I sometimes feel a little off course, it sets me straight again.  I hope you take the time to read it.  It's the lemonade being served today at The Lemon Stand.

PS And just had to add this because it WASN'T an alligator...

09 November 2011

How Do You Count Your Blessings...

Last night while I was getting ready to pay homage to my cloud-like pillow (We have a strictly platonic relationship...  If you must know, my husband's pillow and mine have been dating for about three months now. I think they might be really serious about each other. I just love weddings. Don't you?), I discovered I could multitask. I can count sheep and blessings at the same time!  (I still haven't mastered that walk and chew gum thing but that is surely just around the corner? Right?) There I was, waiting for the pain medication to kick in when I suddenly realized my mental list of blessings were being carried away by sheep.  With golden tattoos.  And sometimes a hoof ring. (Or is that foot ring for a sheep?)

I had just laid down and closed my eyes and started to name my blessings in my mind.  My husband and I had recently talked about counting our blessings every day, because it really has been a stressful year.  We really need to work at not looking at the everyday things that can and do go wrong.  Just let 'em go.  Hold on to the little things going right.  Truthfully? Last night I was thinking to myself that this is a list. I hate lists. They' sometimes feel like they're never ending... Not THIS list, of course, because I'm truly grateful for my family and the time that I've been given with them.

So by now you can tell I'm in a pretty serious frame of mind.  You know.  Serious.  Spelled SERIOUS completely in capital letters, bolded, underlined and even italicized kind of serious...  When out of the blue, a huge, happy, contented sheep with a golden number 1 tattooed on his side appeared. The wool had been neatly sheared to show the golden tattoo of the number '1' beneath where the wool would have been.  He led an infinite line of sheep.  All in order. (obviously not my kids) Each one complete with their golden tattoos on their jolly, fat, fluffy sides (just like Charmin!) waiting for their turn (definitely not my kids) to jump over this beautifully, perfectly built, white picket fence.  There were beautifully blooming flowers growing everywhere I looked (obviously, I am NOT the gardener here).  I looked at number one again and I can now see he's got a big, fat ruby nose ring. He jumps over the fence. Numbers 2, 3 & 4 jumping around him and they wandered off to wherever sheep hang out, I guess..  I wanted to ask them who their personal trainer was because I seriously want energy like THAT. Each of them the same and yet different just jumping for joy.

I can't wait to see what the tattoo will look like when it starts to wrap around it's body? The anticipation is really killing me!!!

30 October 2011

"Brace Yourself"...

First off... Everyone is safe and that's really all I give a rat's patootie about but THIS was the the sight outside my bedroom window when I woke up... about three hours after I finally got to sleep.  Below the fold line are the pictures of the damage to the car my husband and daughter, Rachel were in when it arrived home last night.  The only reason my husband actually left the scene of the accident (besides the ability to actually drive a car) was because it happened less than a half mile from our house.  They were almost home.

29 October 2011

Casa de Lemon Stand Consensus...

We need a lotta humor today. The snow bagged a tree with our car...

Music In The Rain...

There is not a single untalented member of my family in the arts.  Unfortunately, I think there is also not a single member who does not doubt their talent, their worth, nor their strength of character.  Perhaps, the more talent you are blessed with, the more you are prone to depression and doubt.  Almost as if there is a scale of talent and that all things in life must balance out.

Yesterday, I had a wonderful chance to talk with my niece, Whitt, about this and a lot more and although the topics were pretty eclectic, it seemed a few were determined to stay with me long into the arms of Morpheus. So I wanted to put pen and ink to paper, so to speak, so that I could go back and picture one of the most beautiful and vivid of dreams I've had in a long, long time.

27 October 2011

The Little Baby Instruction Book, Rule #326...

Karen, my sister-in-law, sent me a group of pictures that really made me laugh when I needed it, so I'm sharing another chuckle today.  The doctor visit took a lot longer than expected but I hope to have an honest to Pete post on the morrow.  Until then... enjoy! (Personally, I think this must be a colorized picture of my husband... it would explain sooooooo much!)  :)

26 October 2011

19 August 2011

Surgery, Icebergs And Dreams of Alaskan Grandeur...

Why, yes.  I'm still alive... why do you ask?  OK.  I left the world to it's own devices for a few months and just look at how civilization as we know it took a nose dive!

Still, I was reminded today that whenever I feel good enough, I should "seize the day" and wring every last drop of life from it.  Which is one of the reasons why I have NOT been sitting in front of my computer lately, tapping out blog posts.

The other reason would be medicinal in nature.  Which, believe me, when you have a severely herniated disc in your lower back, pressing hard against your spinal cord and sciatic nerve, is definitely called for in quantities that are best left for worse case scenarios.  I meant the large quantities of the "medicinal part".

Have I mentioned that I have grown an aversion to drills lately? Not all drills, mind you.  Just the kind doctors use to drill through bones with.

Surgery and assorted mishaps aside, I have found pain medication gives my unfortunate stomach the side effect of nausea when trying to look at any kind of screen...  Even for short periods of time.  So this will be short as I can already feel lunch rebelling.  I guess I really 'don't' have time to type about the Iceberg story or even about my husband's dreams of Alaskan Grandeur.

For now, I'm feeling better, nobody has burned down the house (although a fan did mysteriously fall out the second floor window... at least it wasn't the air conditioner again... honest... it really was just a fan and it really wasn't my fault... again) and the husband is home from a trip to Alaska.  So for now?  Life is good!

15 June 2011

Appreciation For A Lack Of Appreciation... :)

 What good is chewing out the other bad drivers when there is no one to appreciate your creative use of verbiage?
QOTD: "Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?" George Carlin, American Stand-up Comedian, Actor, and Author (1937-)

13 June 2011

The Cat, The Sugar Plum Faerie And A Plan For A Funny Week...

'Cat' our cat
Last night (AT our dinner table):

Husband, "Erin, don't forget to pick up the hairball on your bedroom floor when you go upstairs."

Erin, "Eeeewwwww!  I don't want to touch that with my hands!"

Nicole, using the eldest sister tone, 'Then use toilet paper."

Husband, "If you don't want to pick it up with your hands, you don't have to.................."

Erin, "I  don't?"

Husband, "Nope.............  You can pick it up with your lips.  Then you won't get anything on your hands."

Danielle Halloween 1994

Last December 

Me, "Whatever happened to the Sugar Plum Faeries?"

Husband, "Twelve gage bird shot.  They never pay attention to the 'Do Not Trespass' signs."

Lemon Leaf Garland DIY by styling genius Jordan
This Morning:

Mama Mia Culpa and Meleah Rebecca is having a Stay-cation.  I thought about what I would do if I had a week off.  A couple of our kids went to a Pirate Renaissance Faire this past weekend and I wondered what was happening today that might be fun to enjoy. 

Although most of this Adventure List may seem a little tame (I believe you shouldn't always be formal)... maybe a little boring... just the application of a little imagination (but don't hurt yourself thinking), a dash of humor (actually,I've found the more humor, the higher the entertainment meter seems to peg) and the possibilities of merrymaking each and every day this week are:

A. Limited only by (whether you have enough money to pay the bondsman) your own pluck (I can't use that adjective seems a little fowl)    intestinal fortitude (I can't use that description. It sounds a little digestively challenged)   own bravery (this adjective seems a little staid but it's sedate enough for my purposes here, I guess).

B. The scheduling of your accomplices (maybe I shouldn't start off already in the jail cell?)    cohorts in crime (ah... see previous note)   abettors (There seems to be a trend here.  I must be looking in the wrong section of the Thesaurus)  Friends (again, an earnest and steady adjective that doesn't nearly cover the closeness of bond required for something really quite adventurous.  I guess it will have to do or I will miss my lunch trying to finish this post)  and Family's availability. (Knowing your Family's availability is just good planning....  you need SOMEONE to pay the bail.)

And Now This Week's List For Promising Adventures... (Just remember to let your imagination fly, but not too high or without the proper equipment... a parachute.)

June 13th is Weed Your Garden Day (Guess this depends on if you have a green thumb or the black stare of death to anything green.  I myself, have been very happy the Jolly Green Giant has never stopped by for tea)

June 14th is Flag Day, Pop Goes the Weasel Day AND World Juggling Day

June 15th is Fly A Kite Day and the Power of A Smile Day

June 16th is National Fudge Day!!!! (Do NOT forget to mark this on your calendar!)

June 17th Eat Your Vegetables Day (Probably to make up for fudge day)

June 18th is International Picnic Day

June 19 Father's Day, Garfield's Birthday, the Tasmanian Devil's Birthday, my daughter Erin's Birthday and my Birthday (although my age really won't change.... It's stuck.... HONEST...) 

QOTD: "Be careful going in search of adventure - it's ridiculously easy to find."
~ William Least Heat-Moon 

10 June 2011

Lemon Stand's A-Z Of Blogging...

Reasons I might not be able to blog:  [Warning: The passages in this color are random stray thoughts... it's more than obvious that I need to get out of my house more often and find 'adult' conversation opportunities...]
A) I am not able to blog because I am in Tahiti (without kids) lying on a beach (with umbrella, of course... because the 'lobster look' is soooo not me) with Mai Tai in hand, enjoying the honeymoon my husband and I never got to go on.

B) I am not able to blog because I have discovered one of our daughters could give Einstein a run for his money, but still can not find her bedroom floor.  [Mrs. Who - Thank you for showing me there IS hope... I wonder if she'll make a good marine... ;)]

C) I am not able to blog because Peter Jackson begged me to be an 'extra' elf in his film adaptation of "The Hobbit" which I immediately (duh), accepted.  I have been  flown to New Zealand and am currently in places that, happily, have no internet (or cellphone) service. [List of potential dwarves: Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey... hmmm... sorry... wrong list... my kids, Kelly's kids, VWBug's kids, Ack! Thbbbt's kids, Bou's kids, Meleah's kids, AFW's kids, AWTM's kids... etc., etc, etc... but not Sarah's baby daughter... she's too cute to be a dwarf... I wonder what J the large would look like as a dwarf... food for thought...]

D) I am not able to blog because I tripped over a chair at 3am about three months ago and felt my 'S' undershirt get a little dented and am now awaiting a new one.  [This is sooooo NOT AFW... she's much more graceful than I am and  although her undershirt recently needed mending, she didn't require the necessity of procuring a blacksmith's (or should that be farrier's in my case?) assistance to hammer things back into shape. Although... I'm a MUCH better patient than she is... why, no... my nose has always been this length, why do you ask?]

E) I am not able to blog because I have become a beanbag character in the video game, "Little Big Planet" where my mouth has been permanently zipped shut. [I had a dream about this and I know it doesn't take an expert to figure out where my mind was going with this...]
F) I am not able to blog because I have been doing extensive behavioral research on the good and bad habits of teenagers, particularly cutting.

G) I am not able to blog because I have run away from home (without laptop and cellphone) [Although, if I run away from home... I'd still have to take the kids with me which generally defeats the reward of working up a sweat...]

H) I am not able to blog because our cats ate my computer.  [The hairballs made up for it in entertainment value]

I) I am not able to blog because I have been determined not to be pathetic... especially in public.  I try to let idiots and politicians (oops... I'm repeating myself...) shine in that arena. [Pathetic is one of those words that is fun to say.  It's up there with tintinnabulation, troglodyte, pulchritudinous or petrichor.]

J) I am not able to blog because I have discovered the meaning of relativity. [Now if I could only discover a cure for our daughter's teenage years that doesn't include the extra-extra-large helping of PMS...]

K) I am not able to blog because I have started a grass roots effort demanding the scientific community return Pluto to it's full planet status.  At the VERY least, they need to stop describing Pluto as a dwarf planet. 'Horizontally Challenged' Planet is much more politically correct.  [It's bad enough that Pluto was kicked out of the high class of planet society.]

L) I am not able to blog because I have been memorizing every rap song known to man for future preservation.  I have plenty of time before Alzheimer's sets in...

M) I am not able to blog because I ruptured a disc in my lower back. [Ow]

N) I am not able to blog because I broke a vertebrae in my lower back. [Double-Decker Ow]

O) I am not able to blog because whilst lying flat on our living room floor, I discovered dust bunnies gathering an immense guerrilla army under our couch, readying for a home invasion.  I have been extremely busy planning the defense for all fronts. [Karen - Beware the bunny.  Kelly - you will NEVER have to fear the bunny because my kids are right about this]

 P) I am not able to blog because I have been taking stock of all the spider webs and paint necessities for the ceiling of our bedroom. ['Itsy Bitsy Spider' theme song playing in the background]

Q) I am not able to blog because I am being used as a human pincushion. (and they didn't even bother to stuff me first) [a box of chocolate eclairs would have been a lovely prelude along with massive doses of pain killers...]

R) I am not able to blog because my personal household Mt. Laundry has now reached Himalayan proportions. [I wonder what will happen when it hits the vacuum of space... will it get sucked up and disappear?  A true ray of hope...]

S) I am not able to blog because my kitchen floor has been torturing me with cries of anguish, just begging me for water (and a commercial vat of disinfectant) to save it.

T) I am not able to blog because the Zombie invasion has begun... [although... since they only eat brains, there are quite a few people I know who will be perfectly safe.]

U) I am not able to blog because although outdoor tornadoes have given us a break on stopping by for tea, it's brethren, the indoor tornadoes, have already done it's worst (or best as the case may be).  Disaster area achieved...  Category level  5.  [I'm pretty sure FEMA won't help monetarily with this cleanup either.]

V) I am not able to blog because I have been awaiting the return of my sense of humor.  Do not EVER let your kids borrow it.  It takes forever to find it again in their bedrooms. [I have discovered that if you WAIT for your sense of humor to return... it never will... so you have to get off your posterior (another fun word to say) and find it... or better yet... go where ever your sense of humor takes you... just remember to still have dinner on the table at six pm.  Humor needs sustenance (another fun word... just sayin').]
W) All of the above.
X) All of the above  except for L [I'm not a masochist]

Y) Some of the above.
Z) None of the above.

See below FOLD LINE to see how many you guessed correctly... 

09 June 2011

A Day At The Zoo Is For The Birds... Literally...

For Mother's Day this year, our daughters gave me the most beautiful copper bird feeder.  At first I was a little worried because we have neighborhood visitors who think nothing of rummaging through even our EMPTY trash cans (As you can tell, we're real high society out here), so putting a bird feeder outside our house would have been tantamount to personally handing out engraved dinner invitations to some of the largest members of the animal kingdom... on expensive vellum... handwritten... in gold leaf... .

To steer clear of any unintentional ringing of the dinner bell, my husband suggested hanging it outside of our second floor bedroom window.  It's absolutely perfect!  Our bedroom has large side-by-side windows and as soon as the bird feeder went up, we washed those windows inside and out.  I wanted them to be clear enough for me to be able to look out of them and take a few pictures occasionally while I am immured. 

At first, I was amazed at the amount and variety of diners at my humble second floor dining room.   Until now, I could only recognize by sight and name not much more than a Blue Jay and a Robin.  It's been the one brightly shining silver lining in my being hog-tied to a horizontal position.  I never thought I'd say this, but I miss the arguing and bickering while driving the kids to school.  If I'm not soon certifiably insane, this healing process of a herniated disc and broken vertebrae just may kill me.  If not from the boredom, then from the nausea I get every time I try to use the computer while my pharmaceutical elixir holds sway.  My body has stubbornly declared it does not really want to get it's groove thing on and be done with this for whatever half-baked reason it has, so no doubt I'll have more exciting adventures to describe in microscopic detail...

For this particular adventure, I've decided it was inevitable with the amount of time I have invested in the right hand side of this bed, attempting to discover the secret of levitation... without success, that I would start to wonder just what KIND of birds these were.  I've lost count of how many seasons of this For The Birds reality show going on outside my window that I have had the opportunity to watch.  Our cat named 'Mouse' has not been impressed with the quality of glass we provide here at casa de Lemon Stand.  She looks at me with disgust and loudly meows that that bird feeder is only twelve inches away from being a cat feeder...  

Back to the mystery of these birds... I have been blessed in the fact that my friend Jan is a renowned bird aficionado, so I have been able to email her pictures I take and she very kindly tells me what I'm looking at.  And not just what kind of bird they are, but also a cornucopia of really amazing facts about them.  She makes me feel like we are living in the middle of 'Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.'  Jan is like having the Jacques Cousteau of the bird world for a neighbor and how cool is that?

Lately, however, I've started feeling like the birds have started dropping by just to watch ME and are merely eating the seed like it was popcorn.  They literally stare at me and Mouse through my now squeaky clean windows and I'm starting to get the sensation of being the star attraction at the zoo around here.

And now, as you can see, the suspiciousness of the situation is not influenced by narcotics (at least on my side of the glass).  Tweety Bird was practically standing on her head by the time she felt she had gotten her full entertainment value of people watching.  I was tempted to open the window for Mouse... really, really tempted...

QOTD: "You did! You did! You taw a puddy tat, a moo moo cow, a big gorilla, a giddy-up horsey, and a wittle monkey." ~ Tweety Bird

25 May 2011

Comments Awaiting Moderation...

And here I thought you couldn't teach old dogs new tricks.  I leave my measly little blog to go patch gaping wounds with itty-bitty band-aids and when I come back, what do I see?  I have "comments awaiting moderation".  My first thought (because I've been hanging out with my husband for WAY too many years) was, "I have already earned my girl scout expert badge (which I imagine is synonymous in today's society for, "I've got an app for that!") in "comments awaiting for moderation!" " I've been waiting for eternities for moderation in our family's comments.  Hasn't happened yet and I'm not holdin' my breath.

And one more word on dogs and new tricks... As I said to a friend recently, I'm still going deaf, but our daughter, Rachel has declared that we MUST get a hearing service dog for me and then train it to growl menacingly at the doctors who say certain words... like... needle, test, pee?  I honestly don't know how I could survive without my family.  No pity parties allowed here... unless you want to be tormented mercilessly.  Kinda keeps you humble.... and in a constant state of imagining if you could get a really full load of groceries around the dead body or would you have to go back for seconds?

24 May 2011


Doing fine STOP Will be back soon STOP At the moment I sound like a duck being strangled STOP Rather slowly and with great malicious delight STOP Am one step away from the "shoot me now" stage of bad head cold STOP Courtesy of youngest of mongrel hoard STOP and two herniated disks in my lower back STOP courtesy of eldest of mongrel hoard STOP' I'm not dead STOP yet STOP but it IS time to go take some more 'good night Gracie' and grab another 587 pristine crisp white linen handkerchiefs from my dresser drawer STOP each embroidered in the corner STOP with bright red thread, mind you STOP with the letters P. M. S. STOP I kid you not STOP at least about the initials anyway STOP  Just ask Ruthie STOP There are six ladies (and I DO use that term rather loosely because IF cleanliness of boudoir were included within this description, well, let's just say they should be darned thankful I am too sick to reach for my thesaurus) living in this house now and there is not a microscopic-sized amount of chocolate anywhere on the entire property STOP  Unless you are a delivery service person of the aforementioned necessity STOP and actually HAVE the aforementioned necessity STOP  then  STOP  for your own personal safety  STOP  I would not suggest you physically cross our property line without a significant chocolate sacrifice arriving well before visitation  STOP  at least until hostilities have ceased OUT.

24 March 2011

Nobody Says It Better Than Rachel...

While her father was deployed to the sandbox back in 2003, Rachel, who at the time was about nine years old, wrote the following class writing assignment.  Her teacher actually called me to make sure I didn't miss seeing it.  Our daughter may be dyslexic, but nobody can say more, with fewer words or wit, than she can.  Even back then.  I scanned and emailed it to her father who posted it inside his work tent.

Dear Mother Nature...

In case the words do not appear as clearly on your monitor as they do on mine, I just thought I'd add the transcript.
                                   February 26, 2003
Dear Mother Nature,
With all due respect, can we 
please have Spring now.  Please
make the snow melt so we 
may have some green grass.  So we
can leave school.
                                               from Rachel

I'd normally add a quote of the day, but I can't think of a single thing to add to this.  (Especially since the weather report last night included the word 'snow'.)

18 March 2011

The Power Of Laughter, Family, Friends And A Water Gun Filled With Lemon Juice...

Igor My husband is in a lot of pain at the moment.  Pinched nerve in neck.  See Holding Down The Fort And No Happy Endings, then lather, rinse, repeat.  (Warning: Do not eat or drink while reading)  Nuff' said on that subject... well, no.  Maybe not.  We've been teasing him pretty hard about his hunched appearance and this did not help his irritation, frustation and pain yesterday as Erin and I dropped him off at work for a few hours.  We were going to shop while he took care of some paperwork.  Unfortunately, we discovered that I had left my wallet at home... about an hour away from the base.  So Erin texted her father to let him know the state of affairs...
"Having discovered our supply of coin of the realm having been left behind at home, we are setting a course to retrieve said treasure.  Once we liberate our gold from captivity, we shall be setting a new course for that place of goods worthy of exchanging pilfered plunder.  We shall, of course, exempt you from the next raiding party.  One of us must, after all, remain law abiding in case we need to make bail.  We promise to only pillage if bartering does not attain desired results."  ~ your loving pirates...

How to properly use Stress Reliever...
1. Make several copies
2. Tape to a wall in all rooms (never be to far away). 
3. Use until oblivion is achieved. 
4. Upon consciousness use aspirin. 
5. Repeat steps 1-4. 

One night at dinner, Morgan said to his wife, "I have to admit I'm feeling much better since my operation, but I can't figure out why I got this big bump on my head."
"Oh, that!" said his spouse. "In the middle of your operation they suddenly ran out of ether."