The Turkey... A Remembrance - News Update

   I couldn't resist updating this post with the wild turkeys in our front yard (and a different font. Thank you for the education dear daughter. Hope Art School includes other stuff) and so close to Thanksgiving. Alas they are not for eating. (It'd be like inviting our neighbors over and when they arrive, announce they are the guests of honor. Even if I could catch one, which I can't as they are very fast and wild turkeys CAN fly if necessary. They just don't seem to like to. Too much like exercise I guess.)

I often find scraps of paper I've used to write down snippets of conversation I want to blog about. This is one example from Thanksgiving. (If you want something in a timely manner around here, I'm afraid you'll have to get yourself a timex) :p

~

   Husband: "Do we want a fresh turkey from Deimond Farm or from the grocery store?"

   Me: "I'd prefer the fresh turkey if we can afford it. Free range, grain fed turkeys are expensive, but worth it." 

   Husband: "Fed a macrobiotic diet, massaged daily by geishas and taken thru an in-depth grief councelling process before being gently snuffed as the moon rises and the fog sets in. And there are usually crickets chirping in the barnyard."

   Me: **silence**

   Husband: "I shouldn't mention that the turkeys are so calm that they spend the night on the block?"

   Me: "Only you could come up with PR like that!"

   Husband: "Fresh turkey it is then."

QOTD: "If everyone is thinking alike, then someone isn't thinking." ~ George S. Patton

The Short Story in Which I Almost Dip My Toe Into the Waters of Impoliteness

We've all had frustrating days.  Days when the procurement of medicinal chocolate has been unsuccessful. (Women will get this and if a man has any brain cells that fire and know at least a little about the necessary care and feeding of said women, will also understand these kinds of days.)  

Now I have had a LOT of time since I last blogged with any regularity to save up all sorts of tidbits and usually I try to stay away from anything truly negative, but when you've had a trying day... sometimes it just won't be contained. (Kinda like oatmeal, but that's a tale for another day) So here is the Lemon Stand couple on just such a day when none of the planets aligned and the stress of being apart for more than a few months hits us at a weak moment. (Lest anyone should ever get the feeling that our family is always about shining rainbows).

Husband: It's been a day.

Me: Are you okay?

Husband: Yeah. Occasionally jumping down someone's throat is therapeutic. It's refreshing to be an A*#^$@.  And your day?

Me: I haven't had the opportunity to be an A*#^$@ lately.  Some people have all the luck. :(

QOTD: "The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum." Havelock Ellis (1859-1939) The Dance Of Life

The Most Amazing Discovery...

12 Nov 2010

Email from Me to my Husband: Honey, I’ve made the most amazing discovery!  There are other homo sapiens like you (other than our kids) after all.  I am sure you are so relieved!  Just look!

From Laura of Fetch My Flying Monkeys

J is a freedom-hating-Michael Kors-loathing Nazi and here's proof.

J: "I want you to take my credit card on vacation with you. I want you to only use in it in case there's an emergency." Hands me a black card.

Me: "Sweeeeet."

J: "Umm Laura, an emergency only, okay?"

Me: "Okay." Fondles card. "My Preciousssss."

J: "Maybe we should go over what constitutes an emergency."

Me: "If I see a Michael Kors purse 50% or more off."

J: "No, Laura. I was thinking about if there's an emergency on the road traveling."

Me: "So we're driving down the road and there's a roadside stand and they're selling Michael Kors purses 50% or more off."

J: "No. Do not use it to buy a Michael Kors purse."

Me: "Okay. So we're driving down the road and there's a roadside stand selling otters, and for every otter you buy you get a free Michael Kors purse."

J: --

Me: "Two free Michael Kors purses per otter?"

J: "I'm not kidding, Laura. Use it for emergencies ONLY."

Me: "Like in case there's a zombie attack?"

J: Sighs. "Zombie attacks would constitute as an emergency, yes."

Me: "Like for buying weapons, right?"

J: "Yes, you can buy weapons on it in case of zombie attack."

Me: "And bullets? Lots of bullets?"

J: "Yes. In case of zombie attack you can use it for weapons and lots of bullets."

Me: "And a Michael Kors purse to keep the bullets in?"

J: "Give me my card back."

Me to Husband: Honey, I am also sending a copy of this post to our (five) daughters (who are convinced a zombie invasion is imminent) just to make sure they are prepared. Gotta tell them to make sure they get a Michael Kors purse to put the bullets in... then, it's not a purse, it's a supply chest... Right?

Husband: Who is Michael Kors, and will a purse made by him hold a chainsaw and/or M249 SAW magazine? How many nadgrenades can it hold? Are the seams double stitched so it won't spill my 12 gauge rounds while knocking down zombies with it? 

Me: What are nadgrenades?

Husband: Sorry typo on a small keyboard, insert hand grenades, either GP (general purpose) or white phosphorus...

Me: This one would be PERFECT!!!  MICHAEL KORS Darrington Shoulder Tote, Taupe  995.00

(That would be the amount of American dollars required to acquire said specimen. Zombies optional.) Since we have five daughters and myself... we'd need six of them... but wait!  It's taupe!  It would look fabulous with any of your fashionable desert camouflage wardrobe... In that case then, we would need 7 of these babies, please. Since you ARE currently stuck in Las Vegas, perhaps you could take advantage of the opportunity to earn a few extra dollars shakin' your bootie?

Love,
your wife and daughters...

Husband: Bootie? I think I broke it, however if you allow me to withdraw the mortgage money, I'm sure I can double it...

Me: Sigh.  Well, if your bootie is broken, perhaps you could rent yourself out as an executive level escort?  As for the mortgage money, no.  We really do need to buy these Michael Kor Handbags with money not already earmarked for current expenses.  This is strictly so that we can be ready for when the Zombies DO attack.  I do believe we will have a little time for you to work the magic of your sparkling personality.

Husband: I am too old for an "escort service".  I have thought about a side job as a thong model, perhaps some conservative right-wing loud mouth will pay me in a subtle reverse psychology attack on the male undergarment industry.

Me: A thong model? Hmmmm.  That sounds like it has potential... How soon do you think you could get started?  I, personally, would not pay for the thongs, but the pictures DO sound like they might have promise....

Husband: As soon as...

A. I can find one in green (of course).
B. Get limber enough to strut properly, probably not any time soon.
C. File the necessary environmental impact statement. It's Friday the day after a federal holiday, I'm sure the EPA is swamped.

Me: Why would you need an environmental impact statement?  Afraid to shock the squirrels?  Scare the bears?  Besides, I think you'll look much better in a thong than I will...

Husband: Not according to the maid…

Me: OK.  I guess I need to become resigned about our inability to fend off the zombies....

Husband: Just rethink the plan. We don't have children, we have 5 opportunities to distract them...

Me: Riiiiggght.  Unfortunately, "Don't worry... the zombies are looking for brains.  You're safe." only applies to our daughters and I really didn't want to have to sacrifice you like that... Sentimental reasons, you know.  Thirty years and you've kinda grown on me.  I have you trained almost to perfection.  Still... I guess a girl's gotta do what a girl’s gotta do...

For The Man In The House... (Not Mine Though)

I get very little time these days to wander around the internet, but when I do, I always try to go visit a few special blogger friends.  It was on this short foray that I got my first laugh of the day. Since it's such a short post, I'm sure Mrs. Who won't mind me borrowing it for a moment, not that anyone other than her might see it. :)

Popping My Cork

This morning I was in the bathroom, minding my own business. I had a song stuck in my head…’Big Spender‘ from Sweet Charity. One of the skaters in the Olympics last night used that song, and it had ear-wormed into me. So I started singing it. To pass the time, of course.

My husband was still in bed. When I emerged from the bathroom, his worried voice came down the hallway, “Sweetheart, are you okay?” he asked.

I replied, “Yes, why?”

His voice came back, with a confused tone in it. “I just thought I heard something.”

Well, so much for my singing in the bathroom…

This entry was posted on Sunday, February 9th, 2014 at 12:12 pm and is filed under Family Fear Factor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

1. Jess Says: 
   February 9th, 2014 at 8:10 pm
   Well. At least he didn’t ask if you were skinning a cat.

Well that just reminded me of a previous post sent to me by my husband and just know that Mrs. Who needs to let him (and Jess) read it so that I can return the favor.  :)

So click Repeat After Me...

The Chocolate Sacrifice...

Erin and I were on the way home from grocery shopping after picking her up at school. Erin answered my cell phone...

Husband: "Is your mother there?"

Erin: "Yes, but she's driving."

Husband: "Ask her if she needs me to pick up anything on the way home."

Me: "No, I think we already did all the shopping we need to for the day."

Erin, "No, we don't need your daily sacrifice of chocolate for today. We're happy."

Me *laughing*

Husband doesn't bat an eye or miss a beat, "Ok. Bye."

QOTD: "The application of daily chocolate has saved many a man." ~ Me

Stuck Thoughts...

You know when you get a song stuck in your head, that you can't seem to get rid of? Well, I seem to be having the same problem with this frustration only it's a rerun of an old conversation that I dreamed about last night.  It's not like it's an important posit.  Definitely not Nobel Prize kind of subject. Doesn't seem to matter. If my subconscious is trying to tell me something, I sure haven't got a clue... Maybe it means I should go buy a shovel and dig a hole. If so, it's gonna be a long wait!

“When Chinese kids go out in their back yards, and they start to dig a hole, do their Mothers yell out the back door for them to stop digging a hole to America? Do they use a shovel made in the USA?” ~ by my husband

I'm trying to remember there are more annoying things out there in the world I inhabit and I should be grateful it's not a song like Stayin' Alive or Danger Zone on permanent replay. One must try to look on the bright side of things. (If I tell myself that often enough it will be true... hopefully) I never thought I'd look forward to insomnia before...

QOTD: "Words make you think a thought. Music makes you feel a feeling. A song makes you feel a thought." ~ by  E. Y. Harburg (American Lyricist, Librettist and Song Writer, 1896-1981)

Where The Wild Things Are...

Two of our neighbors came over last night with one of their sons for dinner. Beth and Dan are brave souls who don't mind my family's odd sense of humor.  Probably because our kids shared the same bus stop together since Preschool. Come to think of it, it was rather tame for our dinner table.

It was still a lot of fun so we need to get together more often. They seem to be either desensitized to our family's dinner conversation or they just  have the same warped sense of humor. (I'm leaning towards the latter)

Last night we got to talking about our kids, college and survival in the jungle of teenagers.  One of the subjects that came up was "Daddy's Laws of Life" and I just couldn't remember them all but found them in a previous post that led me down memory lane to 14 Aug 2010 and thought I'd share the chuckles:

If It's True That You Learn Everything You Need To Know In Kindergarten...

My husband is probably going to be irritated with me and the kids are probably going to say I didn't remember the event correctly, as always, but I just have to write the memory as I remember it down for posterity's sake.

As any parent with teenagers can tell you, when your offspring attains the age of about 12 (if you have not already scheduled their demise) your child revisits the developmental stage of the terrible two's, but this time around it includes added bonuses.  For girls, it's PMS.  For boys, it's testosterone poisoning.  Trust me on this.

So it is not any wonder that there was a particular day in which I needed my husband for a little tag team parenting.  The eldest three were behaving like hard core toddlers and I wanted him to talk to them sternly.

So off the kids go for a ride with their father so that he could advise them on the 'gravity' of the situation (and I could get a little peace and quiet while the youngest was playing with a friend).

A while later, they all came back and instead of the subdued children I had expected, they were smiling, laughing and teasing each other.  

Before I could question my husband on just what had occurred on this ride, our daughter, Danielle, beamed at me as she said, "You don't have to worry, Mommy.  Daddy explained the four Laws of Life and we now understand them all." 

The other kids, looking just as happy as Danielle, were nodding their heads vigorously as their sister informed me of their new found knowledge.

Knowing my husband, who, at the time, was standing a little behind them trying to look like his halo wasn't choking him (in my opinion), I immediately knew that something had gone awry in my intended communication with the kids.  I'm sure my eyes, almost instantly, started to narrow.  Seeing that I was not looking real happy with the situation, the kids hurried to explain the Laws of Life and their meanings... according to Daddy.

"One, Never break more than one law at a time.  So if we were able to drive and had a tail light that was busted, we shouldn't speed."

"Two, Never bring along a camera if you are going to break the law.  That one was easy to understand so we didn't really need an explanation for that one."

"Three, Never try to understand someone else's 'kink'.  So we should just accept people the way they are even if we do think they are a little strange."

"Four, Never date your friend's spouses or girlfriends/boyfriends.  This is just not acceptable behavior and could get you into a LOT of trouble so it is just best to avoid the situation."

By this time I am staring at my husband who had been correcting the wording in their recitation of these laws as they were uttered. I had to laugh and just walk away.

 Defeated. 

At the time, I remember thinking that if it was true that you learn everything you need to know in Kindergarten, just what then, was my husband's Kindergarten class like?  With him in it?

Truthfully, though, we did teach our kids more than to just find humor where ever you can find it.  My husband and I are very proud of all of our kids and we wouldn't sell any of them... even on the bad days... even if someone offered us more than ten cents a pound...

If you have not bought, 'All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten' by Robert Fulghum, you really need to.  Especially if you have kids.  Especially if you have two year olds... or teenagers... or husbands...

     (see below the page line if you would like to read the passage from the book in which this post was consulted)

It's A Wonderful Life...

I love the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life" for so many reasons but especially for setting the mood and focus of the holiday season for me. A renewal of the things that really matter. 

It's not any secret that my family thrives on humor, odd though it may be sometimes, but it works for us and has had the bonus of keeping me sane over the years.  This year, Christmas at our house was normal... well, as normal as our family can be when it comes to Christmas. Come to think of it, I don't think anyone in our quirky family could be considered a poster-child for normality in any sense of the word.  I can live with that.

Our immediate family has a tradition concerning the making and using of Christmas lists that ensure that no matter how much or how little money is available for presents, there will be plenty of cheer, humor and love. I originally posted the traditions many years ago if you want to know the root of the hilarity that can be found here at our house. (Well, most years anyway as life does sometimes get in the way, especially when the deployment rotations come around or other mishap and mayhem. I wouldn't want to make our family sound perfect and completely idyllic (my kids would laugh hysterically because at least 75% of our lives is unbloggable... at least by my standards.)

The Christmas list affair for this year was pretty good. I won't post everyone's lists in their entirety but there are a few items that truly stand out. So as not to embarrass the offspring I'll allow the not so innocent to remain anonymous. (And no. They are not listed in any particular order. And yes, I'm cutting and pasting.)  :)

     ~ I want a clean room. [I had to laugh at this one]
     ~ Seasons of Vampire Diaries on DVD
     ~ Knives of the non-buttery variety
     ~ Vampire Diaries Poster
     ~ Edward Elric's Watch (he’s from Fullmetal Alchemist)
     ~ http://www.tungstenlove.com/vampire-diaries-elena-vervain-necklace THIS ONE I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT THIS SO BAD!!! [Sense a trend here?]
     ~ Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood seasons
     ~ Cool and interesting apartment illuminating items
     ~ That pen that scans a color and writes in it
     ~ Index cards. Like 200. In different colors
     ~ Fuzzy and/or sleep related items
     ~ The making of Harry Potter [book]
     ~ Tea
     ~ Teapot
     ~ Tivana Tea Gift Cards
     ~ Tea, tea, tea [It must be their father's English, Scottish and Welsh genes... mine all came from Quebec]

At least there wasn't a catapult listed this year.  Now, about these lists... one of our five daughters gave us her list three days before Christmas and Christmas morning she still got to unwrapped a 24 pack roll of toilet paper. (among other gifts) She laughed and said that she surely could use such a useful present.  We were pretty lenient this year, I think. Nary a jock strap in sight for any of our five daughters. A fact I'm sure that crossed each of their minds as they unwrapped each present. Ah the joys of parenthood!

I asked for Erin's list and she said she had given it to her father, so I had my husband email it to me (he was TDY in Florida at the time) and in it he included Rachel's Christmas List. I was happy. A two-fer so I didn't have to stress and send out 'the brute squad'...yet. Nor did I have to call the Emergency Stress Relief Hotline more than once or twice this season so far, so life is good. 

Unfortunately for Rachel, we found out three days before Christmas, whilst having her friends for dinner [No, they were not on the menu... they were our honored guests... um, they dined with us. Lord love the English language because I'm too lazy to go fix my grammar!], that the list her father had sent me... was from her Junior year of High School! [She is now a college Freshman].

Me to Rachel: "That's unfortunate for you as I've been using that list since October."

Rachel: "I didn't write a list this year. What was on the list?" 

After cranking up the computer, I read from her list at the dinner table.

Rachel: "I already have most of the things on it! There is only one thing on that list that I'd still like for Christmas."

Me: "Let me read you Erin's list as the two of you have several of the same things on these two lists. I'll see what I can come up with."

Well, since she didn't write a list this year, I guess it could have been a lot worse... for her. My husband and I could have put our heads together to create her list. That's the rules of this family tradition, after all.

Rachel glared at her father.

"Why did you send her that list?"

Husband: "I didn't!"

Me: "I have the emails right here honey." 

I probably shouldn't have thrown him under the bus like that and now that I think about it, I should go and apologize... maybe... a little later...

Husband: "I don't remember sending it. I only sent Erin's!" 

This time I was kind enough to change the subject.

Just in case you think this episode is truly over? It has become the gift that keeps giving. Let me tell you a little more about the events that are linked to that darn list, although I can only post the latter half of the adventure as the first half is a story best left for another day. I don't strive to be Tolstoy.

So Rachel's boyfriend and best friend were visiting and after she left the room, I told them that the only two things I had actually gotten off the list so far was a book I know she didn't have and the one item she had mentioned as a still viable Christmas List option. (I told them they could come over Christmas morning to watch if they wanted to.)

Her friends said they thought she would love it!

I showed her sisters this gift previously and they all agreed that she would love it!

On Christmas Eve I showed it to my husband and he also agreed she would love it!

...and then he handed it back to me...

...which is why what happened next was truly lamentable...

Yup. I promptly lost it among all the other presents I was wrapping. I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning searching for that darn thing. I removed EVERY item of trash from the trash bags. I looked inside EVERY plastic bag, container, box and paper to no avail. I tore the place apart and then finally I went to bed defeated. I then hoped that it might have gotten wrapped in with some other present so the next morning I explained that there was small gift that had gone on the lam and would they look out for it. I told Rachel that I would not tell her what it was unless no one else came to the rescue before every present was unwrapped.

Unfortunately, my bad luck was holding on to me like it was at a super glue convention and I was the test dummy. So I told Rachel what it was.  At first she was real quiet and then she said,

"And you lost it?" 

She truly would have loved it!

Everyone helped me look for it and when the search was fruitless, I went online and ordered another one so harmony was restored.  This definitely has a silver lining as it means she'll be walking down to the mailbox to get the mail every day until her present arrives.  It's all about the lemonade.

Still, I know there is hope that it will be found before we have to consider the milk carton route. I know this is true because I found the present Rachel had bought Nicole for last year's Christmas celebration whilst wrapping presents for this year.  What a year it's been!

Rachel was a great sport about it and a replacement is coming.

This year I bought all of our daughters union suits (or long handles, traditionally red with a butt flap, but does come in purple) along with thick woolen socks. (This is, after all, New England)  Dumbledore was absolutely right. There's nothing like a pair of warm woolen socks!

Erin was an enormous help this year and spent three days wrapping all the stocking stuffers... individually... even the crayons in the box were not spared her loving touch.  Her sisters watched her do this... for three days. So when Erin opened one of the gift boxes from Rachel, inside the lid was written:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
This box was wrapped empty
Ha! You thought this would rhyme...

Nina was sort of picked on this year in a funny kind of way. I've already mentioned the toilet paper. Nicole and Rachel added their artistic skills and wrapped two bras that were gifts. (this is a family of women and my husband is trained to perfection not to blink an eye at requests to buy things like this before he comes home) It's definitely creative and funny as hell to look at when they were done.

When my husband came home with this tall Darth Vader (it's taller than the lamp) all I could think of was... well one of our daughter's did ask for an attractive male slave. Two out of three adjectives isn't all that bad, is it? Ok. Maybe that should be one out of three adjectives.  [If you are wondering what he is holding, it's a lego platform from years past. If you know our family at all, it won't come as any surprise that our family holds legos, books and chocolate sacred in this house. Not necessarily in that order].

Erin did not escape her father's warped humor as he wrapped the slippers from her list... individually (this is before he knew she had done the same to all of the stocking stuffers). But funnier than that, for Erin he wrapped a bunch of pennies in a box, and another box filled with tissue paper and although an accident, he wrapped and labeled three of the union suits meant for her sisters, as hers.  She was exasperated and told him she didn't need three union suits of various sizes.  The apple never falls far from the tree in this family.

Then I imagine the day continued on in the same fashion as everyone else. Those who were not in their 'jammies' put on their union suits and wool socks and on went the video games (which sometimes can be a wonderful spectator sport), our twenty something daughters pulled out our huge supply of legos (see Darth Vader), and the rest read new books until dinner time.  My husband made prime rib (because he didn't get to the butcher shop until it was closing on Christmas eve and they didn't have the spoon roast that he wanted, so instead they sold him a prime rib roast for the same amount of money! He does hunt and gather rather well, I must say) and although the beloved pumpkin cheesecake was missing this year, it was still a fabulous dinner thanks to my husband!

~~~~~~~~
I miss blogging. I miss the ability to write down all the wonderful blessings I have so that I can let go of whatever is stressing me at the moment.  The problem is... it takes forever for me to write it down and then go back and edit, edit, edit.  We're talking HOURS. Because to publish anything on the web is most likely to remain for my posterity.  I have stopped using facebook and news feeds because I have to face the fact that I am someone who becomes hyper-focused incredibly easily and when I glance at the clock, I panic when I realize that I've just lost four or five hours and have nothing to show for it in terms of housework, physical rehabilitation or just plain stepping out my kitchen door to walk down the driveway.

Unfortunately, this means I rarely write anything anymore and I feel like my life is less colorful than it use to be. There are other things that take priority these days and for the foreseeable future, so I think I will have to be content with whatever I can write, whenever I can write it.

Because I no longer have a following, I don't have to feel I've disappointed anyone by not being consistent. I remember more clearly that I started this blog so many years ago as therapy for the soul and it's ok if it only needs a cactus amount of water to flourish. It has gotten me through some pretty rough times as well as being a place to remember my blessings. Life is short. Live it out loud, in technicolor and with humor at every opportunity.

No quote of the day. Only a very heartfelt Happy Holidays to all who may drop by.

UPDATE: 28 Dec 2013 - Item was NOT found where I was wrapping presents. If I hadn't had the urge to clean out some boxes in the hall, I would never have seen it until I dusted. The last time I dusted was before the kids were born. My mother-in-law assured me that I would someday have a clean house when all of our offspring had left the nest. 

... I'm still waiting for that day and she's not around anymore to tell me when that day might be. It hasn't arrived and four of our kids are over the age of 18. I'm sure she would have laughed and told me that there will come a time when I miss them living at home. I'm beginning to have my doubts...

Observing Instead Of Vacationing...

So the husband is currently on temporary duty (TDY) at a different base and has been tapped to be an inspector for a 'practice' military exercise even though he was only expecting to be an 'observer'. This means instead of observing the action, he's grading those doing the action and writing up what they did wrong. In other words, no vacation here...

After the panic of the first day, I got a text message this morning that said, "Today is fun. I get to kill folks and break things."

(In military speak, that means something like, "I get to point at someone and say, 'You just got shot.' then say to his buddy, 'Just what are you supposed to do now?' and 'This piece of equipment just broke, how are you going to do your job without it?'")

I, of course, texted him back and said, "Life is all about the little trade offs."

Then I get the call this evening...
"I missed breakfast and lunch and just got back to the hotel after a very long day and four double shots of scotch. Think I'll go to bed now..." 

It's 7pm there. Yup, military life rarely changes it's spots.

QOTD: "Airplanes suffers from so many technical faults that it is only a matter of time before any reasonable man realizes that they are useless!" ~ Scientific American (1910)

The Faint Scent Of Understatement And Perspective...

My stove, NOT my kitchen, although I sure wish it were!

Me to Husband: "Oh, I forgot to tell you what happened this morning. Someone left one of the gas stove's burners on in the kitchen. I noticed the faintest scent of gas when I was coming down the stairs and found the smallest burner was on the lowest setting without having been lit. The scent wasn't very strong, but I still carefully opened doors and windows to help dissipate the gas in the house, turned off the burner after a couple of minutes, then waited another 15 minutes to close the doors and windows again." (it had to have been on for about two hours from the time the girls left for school and the time I came down to get something to drink)

Husband: "That could have ended badly." (hmmm, King of the understatement?)

Rachel: "Good thing you caught the scent of gas in time as your sewing room is right above the kitchen."

Husband to Rachel: "Gas is heavier than air. It settles downward... like say, to your bedroom in the basement?"

Rachel: "But hot air rises!"

**Roll of eyes**

Husband, as he walks away: "And chocolate pleases"
 
I had to laugh outright at that.  It's all about perspective is this house!

QOTD: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We have a small problem. All four engines have stopped. We are doing our damnedest to get them going again. I trust you are not in too much distress." ~ British Airways pilot, after flying through a cloud of volcanic ash.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Note to family: I'm doing my best with the memory I have. Yes, I know I did not get the wording of this conversation down perfectly, but it's either live with it or I'll be forced to get a voice recorder and although that would make for much more interesting and numerous posts for me, it might not be better for your posterity. Let me know the decision. In the meantime I shall carry on, 'kay?
         Love, Me

Our Family, Monty Python And The Quick Exit...

Carrie, Nina, Danielle, Rachel at Sunday Dinner

As always, Sunday dinner was fabulous. Danielle (insists she) won an argument with her father, a rarity for anyone in this household. They were discussing Monty Python and Danielle took exception to his saying that Monty Python's The Meaning of Life was not a sketch comedy film when it clearly was. Her father still insists that it is not. (clearly, we don't get too much of the innocent questions of childhood anymore)

I am considered an odd duck in our family because:

a.) I have never gotten the humor of Monty Python so I don't like Monty Python (a familial blasphemy apparently)

b.) I have no idea what a comedy sketch film IS (and not really interested in finding out) as I get my comedy on a daily basis from my family and am ok with this.


c.) I tend to save all my sallies for family book critiques which get pretty in depth and I am always considered on the wrong side of the debate. Danielle tends to win these more often than the rest of us.

Although I think it's a moot point to me, the conversation was riveting as Danielle has such an expressive face and tends to be wonderfully passionate in defense of anything that means anything to her. Her father on the other hand, has the straight man's face down pat. That, and the fact that he usually does not open his mouth unless he's pretty sure of something, which tends to make him seem like he's always right. He isn't always right (he's male, after all), but sometimes it just looks like he is.

At this point, Erin abandons us because homework is less embarrassing than subject matter and the deliverability talents of the members of our family. (In other words, it's not necessarily what is said so much as to how it is inclined to be delivered)

First Case in point:

Husband: "My Mother was the most cleverest person I've ever known." (True fact. She was the the most amazingly cleverest person I've ever known. I still really miss her.)

Husband: "If I were stranded on a desert island, I would want my Mother to be with me. Her or Dora the Explorer."

Me: **blink**

Rachel: "Dora the Explorer?"

Husband, (who has been waiting for Rachel to ask): "Yeah. That bitch had everything in her backpack!" [thankfully my husband doesn't normally talk like this, so I said nothing]

Rachel: "Dora the Explorer?"

Husband: "Well, go watch her sometime and see what she takes out that thing!"

At this point I walk away.

Second case in point: 

Some months ago, my husband took the kids to Chilli's one night after our family meeting (Euphemistically speaking, our family therapy sessions. Some of the kids do not even live at home but we always try to make time for our family meeting and then go out to eat after it. Hey, we don't mess with what seems to work.)

I was sick at the time and so I was at home in bed and was not there to... mediate, shall we say, the conversation in this public restaurant.  I was not even aware of this incident until I suggested we go to Chilli's one night after our gathering and was met with some red faces, stammering and then finally,

Rachel: "We can't ever go back there."

I should not have been surprised, but I was.

Me: "You guys got kicked out of Chilli's?"

Husband: "Ummm, not exactly."

Me: "Not exactly?"

Now I knew it was bad, "Just what did you do to not exactly get kicked out of Chilli's?"

Husband, "We didn't get kicked out of Chilli's...... exactly.... We chose to leave." 

Me: "You chose to leave. Huh." 

*waiting expectantly*

Nobody wanted to give any further information. There was a lot of red faces, general mumbling and embarrassed coughs. Now I really had wanted to know what they'd done because my mind can imagine an awful lot when it comes to the ability of my family to get into trouble, but at this point I realized I wasn't going to get much more out of any of them, which told me exactly how disappointed in them all I should be, husband included. Husband especially. 

I never did get the entire story out of any of them, but as near as I can figure it, my wonderfully warm and friendly family sat in a booth, surrounded by other patrons, including a family right behind them.  Conversation slipped it's leash in this public setting and they were loudly obnoxious, laughing about something in which every member of my family (husband included) had an opinion about and just had to voice one-upmanship as if they were at home around our own dinner table. (My husband was right... we are raising social hyenas)

It sounded as if this show of wit (witlessness) apparently lasted a while and new depths of how low my family's conversation can get (they get this from their Father) were apparently achieved. Anyway, at some point they must have realized how loud they were and noticed the attention they were garnering (I can just picture the slack jaws and horrified expressions of the other diners). I guess by this time, they could tell that the poor unlucky family sitting behind them was very uncomfortable.  My husband at least had the grace to look embarrassed and ashamed for allowing things to get that far as he told me this. He told me realization dawned somewhere around this time and they decided they should leave as fast as the bill was paid. Then they all agreed to never go back. (I'm sure the other diners and wait-staff would be happy to know this.)

I write about this now because when the subject somehow came up at dinner Sunday night, Danielle finally said, "The only thing I can remember about that conversation now was that we were debating that some name sounded like it should belong to a stripper." 

I've decided that I really don't want to know anymore. I've also decided that my family is banned from dining at any restaurant unless I am with them.  Let's see, all of the kids with the exception of the youngest who is a young adult, are all 18 years old or older and they are all grounded until further notice.  

I thought kids (and husband) were all supposed to grow up.  You know?  Become a responsible adult like their father... ok, well I can see where the logic in that thought process went wrong... (Just for the record, I'm only joking about my husband. He is usually the voice of reason outside of the house with me coming up with the bird-brained ideas)

To be fair, after this experience I think (hope) they will all think twice about where they are and what kind of audience they have. I don't have to worry that it will happen again after all the red faces and the refusals to talk about it.  They looked truly repentant. They had been horrid. There is no doubt in my mind. Still, this will go down in our family history as a humorous dud that was not repeated. (Or else!)

Normal Dinner Conversation...

Danielle, "If I had to lose one of my senses, I would wish to be mute. It would be awful to lose the ability to see because I love to read and I would hate to lose the ability to hear because I love music so much. I could always learn to talk with my hands."

Husband, "Please Lord, I hope you're listening...."

(Originally published 16 Dec 2006)  

Breakfast at The Lemon Stand Household...

Husband (yelling up the stairs), "Erin your breakfast is getting cold!"

Erin, "I'M COMING!!!!"

 Husband "Hey! You don't yell at me. Go back upstairs and read your kid manual. It states that very clearly."

**roll of eyes** 

Danielle, "I just wish there really were a kid's manual."

Husband, “There is.  It’s one page and it says two things.  Shut up.  And listen.  Oh, and pick up your crap.”

Nicole, "That's three things."

Husband, "See the first two rules."

QOTD: "No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal." Bill Cosby

(Originally posted 5 Dec 2007)

The Most Amazing Discovery... Again...

OK. I admit, I should have known better than to just link this on Facebook instead of reposting it. "Not everyone has or wants a FB page."  I GET it. I GOT it! (and you're lucky I'm allowing you to remain anonymous... sheesh!) Everyone else gets a free pass to post new intelligent comments, even ones that take pot shots at social media websites...

So for 'she who will not be named':The Most Amazing Discovery...Email from Me to my Husband: Honey, I’ve made the most amazing discovery!  There are other homo sapiens like you (other than our kids) after all.  I am sure you are so relieved!  Just look!
From Laura of Fetch My Flying MonkeysJ is a freedom-hating-Michael Kors-loathing Nazi and here's proof.
J: "I want you to take my credit card on vacation with you. I want you to only use in it in case there's an emergency." Hands me a black card.
Me: "Sweeeeet."
J: "Umm Laura, an emergency only, okay?"
Me: "Okay." Fondles card. "My Preciousssss."
J: "Maybe we should go over what constitutes an emergency."
Me: "If I see a Michael Kors purse 50% or more off."
J: "No, Laura. I was thinking about if there's an emergency on the road traveling."
Me: "So we're driving down the road and there's a roadside stand and they're selling Michael Kors purses 50% or more off."
J: "No. Do not use it to buy a Michael Kors purse."
Me: "Okay. So we're driving down the road and there's a roadside stand selling otters, and for every otter you buy you get a free Michael Kors purse."
J: --
Me: "Two free Michael Kors purses per otter?"
J: "I'm not kidding, Laura. Use it for emergencies ONLY."
Me: "Like in case there's a zombie attack?"
J: Sighs. "Zombie attacks would constitute as an emergency, yes."
Me: "Like for buying weapons, right?"
J: "Yes, you can buy weapons on it in case of zombie attack."
Me: "And bullets? Lots of bullets?"
J: "Yes. In case of zombie attack you can use it for weapons and lots of bullets."
Me: "And a Michael Kors purse to keep the bullets in?"
J: "Give me my card back."
Me to Husband: Honey, I am also sending a copy of this post to our (five) daughters (who are convinced a zombie invasion is imminent) just to make sure they are prepared. Gotta tell them to make sure they get a Michael Kors purse to put the bullets in... then, it's not a purse, it's a supply chest... Right?
Husband: Who is Michael Kors, and will a purse made by him hold a chainsaw and/or M249 SAW magazine? How many nadgrenades can it hold? Are the seams double stitched so it won't spill my 12 gauge rounds while knocking down zombies with it?Me: What are nadgrenades?
Husband: Sorry typo on a small keyboard, insert hand grenades, either GP (general purpose) or white phosphorus...
Me: This one would be PERFECT!!!  MICHAEL KORS Darrington Shoulder Tote, Taupe  995.00
(That would be the amount of American dollars required to acquire said specimen. Zombies optional.) Since we have five daughters and myself... we'd need six of them... but wait!  It's taupe!  It would look fabulous with any of your fashionable desert camouflage wardrobe... In that case then, we would need 7 of these babies, please. Since you ARE currently stuck in Las Vegas, perhaps you could take advantage of the opportunity to earn a few extra dollars shakin' your bootie?
Love,
your wife and daughters...
Husband: Bootie? I think I broke it, however if you allow me to withdraw the mortgage money, I'm sure I can double it...
Me: Sigh.  Well, if your bootie is broken, perhaps you could rent yourself out as an executive level escort?  As for the mortgage money, no.  We really do need to buy these Michael Kor Handbags with money not already earmarked for current expenses.  This is strictly so that we can be ready for when the Zombies DO attack.  I do believe we will have a little time for you to work the magic of your sparkling personality.
Husband: I am too old for an "escort service".  I have thought about a side job as a thong model, perhaps some conservative right-wing loud mouth will pay me in a subtle reverse psychology attack on the male undergarment industry.
Me: A thong model? Hmmmm.  That sounds like it has potential... How soon do you think you could get started?  I, personally, would not pay for the thongs, but the pictures DO sound like they might have promise....
Husband: As soon as...
A. I can find one in green (of course).
B. Get limber enough to strut properly, probably not any time soon.
C. File the necessary environmental impact statement. It's Friday the day after a federal holiday, I'm sure the EPA is swamped.
Me: Why would you need an environmental impact statement?  Afraid to shock the squirrels?  Scare the bears?  Besides, I think you'll look much better in a thong than I will...
Husband: Not according to the maid…
Me: OK.  I guess I need to become resigned about our inability to fend off the zombies....
Husband: Just rethink the plan. We don't have children, we have 5 opportunities to distract them...
Me: Riiiiggght.  Unfortunately, "Don't worry... the zombies are looking for brains.  You're safe." only applies to our daughters and I really didn't want to have to sacrifice you like that... Sentimental reasons, you know.  Thirty years and you've kinda grown on me.  I have you trained almost to perfection.  Still... I guess a girl's gotta do what a girl’s gotta do...
Scribbled by Lemon Stand at 8:03 PM  


7 Intelligent Comments:
Mrs. Who said...
We don't have children, we have 5 opportunities to distract them...
Damn...we've already sent two of ours off...down to two distractions!
Y'all crack me up! :)
November 12, 2010 10:54 PM
VW said...
I was snickering until I hit this line: Still... I guess a girl's gotta do what a girl’s gotta do...
and then I laughed out loud. You two are originals.
November 13, 2010 6:02 AM
LeeAnn said...
If H ever wanted to email, we'd have conversations like that. Probably with more cussing, but that's just us.
I love it.
November 13, 2010 8:32 AM
Lemon Stand said...
"I just read your conversation with your husband (notice "not my brother"), I am pretty sure Mom said the mold was broken after he was born so there really can't be another one like him. Really!~ Me" ~ my SIL, whom I shall let remain anonymous (although you DO realize he sometimes DOES read my posts when he's really bored... or needs a sleep aid...) ~ If the mold was broken 'after he was born', then it sure looks like someone glued it back together... LS
Mrs. Who - one can always live in hope that the zombie invasion won't begin until there is some sort of family get together... just so you can make full use of all your opportunities...
VW - I DO love him dearly. However, I know that he feels the exact same sentiment. So in his words, "It's a dog eat dog world, and we're all wearing milk bone underwear."
LeeAnn - Ah, but I have to admit that most of our conversations have to be edited. Cuss words are not left unheard of in this house.(the decibel level of which, is an indicator of how well a building or repair project is going for my husband) In most of our cases, it is the realm of depths to which EVERYONE in the family can sink to... with the husband as an example or the instigator of how such an achievement can be reached. I used to think he had warped our kids... now I just realize that through some fluke of nature, they only got all of HIS DNA. :)
November 13, 2010 9:52 AM
Andy said...
Ain't it grand to be hitched to a friend?
Thanks for the glimpse.
Seriously, thanks. That put a big smile on my ugly old mug this morning.
November 13, 2010 10:58 AM
Felicitas Linda said...
LMAO That was Epic!
November 13, 2010 3:28 PM
Lemon Stand said...
Andy - you are most welcome... I take it you have a problem with an ugly old mug in the morning? Man... you should really have yourself a pretty nap at least once a day... I hear it improves your condition... just sayin' :)
Linda - The unedited version was even better, but alas... I'm attempting to keep this blog family friendly.... for families that are obviously other than mine...
Still, You all have missed the perfect opportunity to go read a post at Laura's blog... I DID put the link in. Really. I really love to lurk there. (Just don't eat or drink while reading... oh, and I guess I must also warn you that breathing while reading her blog has proven to be a health hazard for me... can't laugh, snort, cough and breath at the same time... guess I'm a failure at multi-tasking...)
November 13, 2010 8:51 PM
 reposted from 10 Nov 2010