I'm Not the Easter Bunny Either

Early this morning...

Me to daughter, Erin: "I need you to get up. We need to be on time this morning because I have a dental appointment right after I drop you off at school."

Erin: *grumbling*

A few minutes later, she shows her face, looks at me and grumpily says, "You're not the doughnut fairy."

Me: *blink*

Me: "Um, I guess I could put a doughnut under your pillow."

Erin: "Eewww!"

A little later, on the way to school...

Erin: "I love you, but I'm putting in my ear buds and listening to Halsey."

Me: "Admiral Halsey?"

Erin: "Someone more amazing."

Me: "More amazing than me?"

Erin: "No. A different kind of amazing. You're a Mom kind of amazing."

**heh**

QOTD: "Not only am I an amazing mother, I have amazing kids. Yes, you should be jealous." ~ me

History Class Blues...

     It's difficult to enjoy a class that you hate for whatever reason. I've been aware that our daughter, Erin, despised her American History class, but didn't dislike her teacher.  She's been pretty vocal about her aversion to studying about the World Wars.  So it came as no surprise that the letter she's required to write in class to tell her parents/teacher how she feels about what and how she is doing, was along those lines. However, her dry sense of humor caught me by surprise. At least she's honest. (I wish all things could be fixed with afternoon tea)

...I think that WWII is depressing and that humans are horrible and people should just go eat ice cream, cookies, cake, candy and drink tea and coffee. Mostly tea though...

QOTD: "There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be much diminished by a nice cup of tea." ~ Bernard-Paul Heroux , Philosopher

Where The Wild Things Are...

Two of our neighbors came over last night with one of their sons for dinner. Beth and Dan are brave souls who don't mind my family's odd sense of humor.  Probably because our kids shared the same bus stop together since Preschool. Come to think of it, it was rather tame for our dinner table.

It was still a lot of fun so we need to get together more often. They seem to be either desensitized to our family's dinner conversation or they just  have the same warped sense of humor. (I'm leaning towards the latter)

Last night we got to talking about our kids, college and survival in the jungle of teenagers.  One of the subjects that came up was "Daddy's Laws of Life" and I just couldn't remember them all but found them in a previous post that led me down memory lane to 14 Aug 2010 and thought I'd share the chuckles:

If It's True That You Learn Everything You Need To Know In Kindergarten...

My husband is probably going to be irritated with me and the kids are probably going to say I didn't remember the event correctly, as always, but I just have to write the memory as I remember it down for posterity's sake.

As any parent with teenagers can tell you, when your offspring attains the age of about 12 (if you have not already scheduled their demise) your child revisits the developmental stage of the terrible two's, but this time around it includes added bonuses.  For girls, it's PMS.  For boys, it's testosterone poisoning.  Trust me on this.

So it is not any wonder that there was a particular day in which I needed my husband for a little tag team parenting.  The eldest three were behaving like hard core toddlers and I wanted him to talk to them sternly.

So off the kids go for a ride with their father so that he could advise them on the 'gravity' of the situation (and I could get a little peace and quiet while the youngest was playing with a friend).

A while later, they all came back and instead of the subdued children I had expected, they were smiling, laughing and teasing each other.  

Before I could question my husband on just what had occurred on this ride, our daughter, Danielle, beamed at me as she said, "You don't have to worry, Mommy.  Daddy explained the four Laws of Life and we now understand them all." 

The other kids, looking just as happy as Danielle, were nodding their heads vigorously as their sister informed me of their new found knowledge.

Knowing my husband, who, at the time, was standing a little behind them trying to look like his halo wasn't choking him (in my opinion), I immediately knew that something had gone awry in my intended communication with the kids.  I'm sure my eyes, almost instantly, started to narrow.  Seeing that I was not looking real happy with the situation, the kids hurried to explain the Laws of Life and their meanings... according to Daddy.

"One, Never break more than one law at a time.  So if we were able to drive and had a tail light that was busted, we shouldn't speed."

"Two, Never bring along a camera if you are going to break the law.  That one was easy to understand so we didn't really need an explanation for that one."

"Three, Never try to understand someone else's 'kink'.  So we should just accept people the way they are even if we do think they are a little strange."

"Four, Never date your friend's spouses or girlfriends/boyfriends.  This is just not acceptable behavior and could get you into a LOT of trouble so it is just best to avoid the situation."

By this time I am staring at my husband who had been correcting the wording in their recitation of these laws as they were uttered. I had to laugh and just walk away.

 Defeated. 

At the time, I remember thinking that if it was true that you learn everything you need to know in Kindergarten, just what then, was my husband's Kindergarten class like?  With him in it?

Truthfully, though, we did teach our kids more than to just find humor where ever you can find it.  My husband and I are very proud of all of our kids and we wouldn't sell any of them... even on the bad days... even if someone offered us more than ten cents a pound...

If you have not bought, 'All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten' by Robert Fulghum, you really need to.  Especially if you have kids.  Especially if you have two year olds... or teenagers... or husbands...

     (see below the page line if you would like to read the passage from the book in which this post was consulted)

Silver and Gold...

Last night I overheard Danielle saying to her sisters: 

"Silence is golden but duct tape is silver."

Ah, truer words were never spoken...

QOTD: "Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers." Dave Barry (1947-) American Writer and Humorist

(Originally posted 16 Jan 2008)

Our Family, Monty Python And The Quick Exit...

Carrie, Nina, Danielle, Rachel at Sunday Dinner

As always, Sunday dinner was fabulous. Danielle (insists she) won an argument with her father, a rarity for anyone in this household. They were discussing Monty Python and Danielle took exception to his saying that Monty Python's The Meaning of Life was not a sketch comedy film when it clearly was. Her father still insists that it is not. (clearly, we don't get too much of the innocent questions of childhood anymore)

I am considered an odd duck in our family because:

a.) I have never gotten the humor of Monty Python so I don't like Monty Python (a familial blasphemy apparently)

b.) I have no idea what a comedy sketch film IS (and not really interested in finding out) as I get my comedy on a daily basis from my family and am ok with this.


c.) I tend to save all my sallies for family book critiques which get pretty in depth and I am always considered on the wrong side of the debate. Danielle tends to win these more often than the rest of us.

Although I think it's a moot point to me, the conversation was riveting as Danielle has such an expressive face and tends to be wonderfully passionate in defense of anything that means anything to her. Her father on the other hand, has the straight man's face down pat. That, and the fact that he usually does not open his mouth unless he's pretty sure of something, which tends to make him seem like he's always right. He isn't always right (he's male, after all), but sometimes it just looks like he is.

At this point, Erin abandons us because homework is less embarrassing than subject matter and the deliverability talents of the members of our family. (In other words, it's not necessarily what is said so much as to how it is inclined to be delivered)

First Case in point:

Husband: "My Mother was the most cleverest person I've ever known." (True fact. She was the the most amazingly cleverest person I've ever known. I still really miss her.)

Husband: "If I were stranded on a desert island, I would want my Mother to be with me. Her or Dora the Explorer."

Me: **blink**

Rachel: "Dora the Explorer?"

Husband, (who has been waiting for Rachel to ask): "Yeah. That bitch had everything in her backpack!" [thankfully my husband doesn't normally talk like this, so I said nothing]

Rachel: "Dora the Explorer?"

Husband: "Well, go watch her sometime and see what she takes out that thing!"

At this point I walk away.

Second case in point: 

Some months ago, my husband took the kids to Chilli's one night after our family meeting (Euphemistically speaking, our family therapy sessions. Some of the kids do not even live at home but we always try to make time for our family meeting and then go out to eat after it. Hey, we don't mess with what seems to work.)

I was sick at the time and so I was at home in bed and was not there to... mediate, shall we say, the conversation in this public restaurant.  I was not even aware of this incident until I suggested we go to Chilli's one night after our gathering and was met with some red faces, stammering and then finally,

Rachel: "We can't ever go back there."

I should not have been surprised, but I was.

Me: "You guys got kicked out of Chilli's?"

Husband: "Ummm, not exactly."

Me: "Not exactly?"

Now I knew it was bad, "Just what did you do to not exactly get kicked out of Chilli's?"

Husband, "We didn't get kicked out of Chilli's...... exactly.... We chose to leave." 

Me: "You chose to leave. Huh." 

*waiting expectantly*

Nobody wanted to give any further information. There was a lot of red faces, general mumbling and embarrassed coughs. Now I really had wanted to know what they'd done because my mind can imagine an awful lot when it comes to the ability of my family to get into trouble, but at this point I realized I wasn't going to get much more out of any of them, which told me exactly how disappointed in them all I should be, husband included. Husband especially. 

I never did get the entire story out of any of them, but as near as I can figure it, my wonderfully warm and friendly family sat in a booth, surrounded by other patrons, including a family right behind them.  Conversation slipped it's leash in this public setting and they were loudly obnoxious, laughing about something in which every member of my family (husband included) had an opinion about and just had to voice one-upmanship as if they were at home around our own dinner table. (My husband was right... we are raising social hyenas)

It sounded as if this show of wit (witlessness) apparently lasted a while and new depths of how low my family's conversation can get (they get this from their Father) were apparently achieved. Anyway, at some point they must have realized how loud they were and noticed the attention they were garnering (I can just picture the slack jaws and horrified expressions of the other diners). I guess by this time, they could tell that the poor unlucky family sitting behind them was very uncomfortable.  My husband at least had the grace to look embarrassed and ashamed for allowing things to get that far as he told me this. He told me realization dawned somewhere around this time and they decided they should leave as fast as the bill was paid. Then they all agreed to never go back. (I'm sure the other diners and wait-staff would be happy to know this.)

I write about this now because when the subject somehow came up at dinner Sunday night, Danielle finally said, "The only thing I can remember about that conversation now was that we were debating that some name sounded like it should belong to a stripper." 

I've decided that I really don't want to know anymore. I've also decided that my family is banned from dining at any restaurant unless I am with them.  Let's see, all of the kids with the exception of the youngest who is a young adult, are all 18 years old or older and they are all grounded until further notice.  

I thought kids (and husband) were all supposed to grow up.  You know?  Become a responsible adult like their father... ok, well I can see where the logic in that thought process went wrong... (Just for the record, I'm only joking about my husband. He is usually the voice of reason outside of the house with me coming up with the bird-brained ideas)

To be fair, after this experience I think (hope) they will all think twice about where they are and what kind of audience they have. I don't have to worry that it will happen again after all the red faces and the refusals to talk about it.  They looked truly repentant. They had been horrid. There is no doubt in my mind. Still, this will go down in our family history as a humorous dud that was not repeated. (Or else!)

Notes Confirming Life As We Know It Is Back To Normal...

Although I have not been able to do much in the way of blogging this past week, I have been gathering various sticky notes, note pads and receipts that I tend to write on, to capture wonderful family moments. Note to self: make notes more descriptive so I can be more accurate in the details.

I cannot remember exactly when my husband was talking to Erin, but it was not too long after he first got home.  The conversation went something like this (see above note to self about notes):

Husband, "Remind me NEVER to go to war with you. I can hear you now:"

"I can't go into that foxhole, it's too dirty."

"Whoa! Time Out!!! My pack is too heavy, I couldn't possibly be expected to carry it AND march, hike or whatever."

"But, I don't know how to set up a tent... Come to think of it though, we're Air Force... we can just call room service, right?"

Husband, "And if you were a superhero? Your power would be whining at the bad guys until they died just to get away from you."

"Your superhero alias would be Goldilocks:"

"My porridge is too hot. My porridge is too cold..."

Erin, "I really hate you right about now."

QOTD: "Newspaper ad:  Hiring clowns, must be serious." ~ Unknown

Note To Self...

The following post is a repost... only I must remember that when watching movies with certain members of our family, it is like having Siskel and Ebert in your living room... Oh, and we had KFC again tonight for dinner...

The Only Reason We Buy Video Games...

My husband hunted and gathered for our dinner tonight and brought home KFC.  For dinner and entertainment, we sat with our youngest daughter Erin and commented on daughter Danielle's performance of the video game, Nathan Drake's Uncharted.  A truly wonderful family moment between the chicken leg through the mash potatoes and gravy.  Normally I'd say it was a Kodak moment but the narration reigned supreme.

Erin, "You're supposed to shoot him."

Danielle, "Shut up."

Erin, "You're supposed to kill him with the grenade."

Danielle, "Shut up."

Me, "Huh, what's this game called?"

Danielle, whilst shooting her way through a dungeon, "Nathan Drake's Uncharted.  He's supposed to be a descendant of Sir Francis Drake. Nathan Fillion wants to play him in a movie."

Me, "Really? Does HE know how to shoot that weapon with any accuracy?"

Danielle, "Shut up."

Me, "The shooting doesn't look very realistic."

Erin, "Neither does the blood spatter."

Me, "Neither does the bullet count from that particular weapon, but at least he has his stance right."

Danielle, "Do you want to see what real blood spatter look like?"

Husband, "We should take her to Paris... Island."

Me, "Hey, Danielle.  Do you want to be a marine?"

Danielle, "No,"

Husband, "That's probably best.  You're shooting's not very accurate."

Danielle, "Shut up." 

Husband, "Well at least Justin Timberlake has gone up in my estimation."

Me, "You saw that, too? His Marine Corps Ball post?"

Husband, "Yeah.  Hey Danielle.  The marine corps could show you just how to use that grenade launcher.  You sure you don't want to reconsider your options?"

Danielle, "NO."

Erin, "You're supposed to shoot him.  He's not supposed to shoot you."

Danielle, "You're going to get shown violence up close and personal."

Me, "He's fading out.  Is he feinting? He's feinting.  Is he SUPPOSED to do that?"

Danielle, "Just GIVE me a minute!"

Erin, "You're dead."

Danielle, "So are you if you don't shut up!"

Me, "Well.  This has been entertaining, but it's time to go find something more heart palpitating. Like the Loo."

Plus the added bonus to have blog fodder.  All in all.  Another successful family dinner at casa de Lemon.  Still, I must put a caveat, because the girls give me crap about not having a photographic verbal memory.  Wording is never EXACTLY correct. It's true.  But do you REALLY want me to start recording dinner time conversation? No?  Then life is good!  :)

My Quota Of Lessons For One Day...

You know how you should learn at least ONE new thing a day? Yesterday, I got lucky and learned:

Lesson #1 - A postcard... or more specifically THIS postcard (our entire family 'heart' Andy Riley's Bunnie Suicide cartoons) picked out by Erin because she thought it would be perfect considering her father's recent travel adventures.  The lesson?  It now costs THIRTY TWO CENTS to send a postcard? (Color me clueless, but I guess it's been a while since I visited one of those austere institutions)







Lesson #2 - When you only have 10 cent stamps and then run into the post office to get 2 cent stamps so you can apply the proper amount of postage required... take my word on this... you'll be given some very strange and possibly alarmed looks from your USPS staff and fellow patrons as you mutter obscenities under your breath while you attempt to put FOUR stamps across the top of the postcard... and run out of space. (The good news is that it only takes ONE irate glance to keep ANYONE from laughing at your obvious predicament)

Lesson #3 - Deciding to avoid the same problem again... I bought a book of stamps without really looking at them.  I got home and then realized they did not list the postage amount on the stamp.  Rachel, who happened to be sitting nearby, looked at the stamps when I asked, "How are you supposed to know how much these are worth?"  Rachel then said to me very seriously, "Mom, you can't put a price on 'Freedom'" I looked down at the stamps as Rachel continued, "or Justice, Equality or Liberty."  It kills me sometimes that she can say things like this off the cuff, all the time, with her father's straight face.  I've tried to stop asking either of them a LONG time ago, just where they come up with some of this stuff... but I still find myself sometimes halfway through the question before I realize this question has already been answered (many times) before I just turn and walk away.

Nobody Says It Better Than Rachel...

While her father was deployed to the sandbox back in 2003, Rachel, who at the time was about nine years old, wrote the following class writing assignment.  Her teacher actually called me to make sure I didn't miss seeing it.  Our daughter may be dyslexic, but nobody can say more, with fewer words or wit, than she can.  Even back then.  I scanned and emailed it to her father who posted it inside his work tent.

Dear Mother Nature...

In case the words do not appear as clearly on your monitor as they do on mine, I just thought I'd add the transcript.

                                   February 26, 2003
Dear Mother Nature,
With all due respect, can we 
please have Spring now.  Please
make the snow melt so we 
may have some green grass.  So we
can leave school.
                                               from Rachel

I'd normally add a quote of the day, but I can't think of a single thing to add to this.  (Especially since the weather report last night included the word 'snow'.)

The Lemon Stand Defends Canada...

Rachel: Does Canada really get this much snow?

Me: Yes.

Rachel: Did you know polar bears cover their noses with a paw when they hunt?  It's so they can blend with the snow.

Me: Then what do they do about their eyes?

Not missing a beat, Rachel: They squint.

I had to laugh.

Me: To really blend, wouldn't they have to cover their eyes AND their noses, making them practically blind without a great sense of smell?

Rachel: Well, it's not like there's much up there, anyway.  Polar bears, penguins and Eskimos.

Me: WRONG.  Penguins live at the SOUTH pole and there are more animals up there than just polar bears, like white foxes, moose, elk, and reindeer.  And one of the most beautiful places on earth is Banff, Canada!

Rachel: I'd still rather live on a warm island.

Questions Only Mommy Can Answer...

A long time ago I wrote a post about Questions Only Daddy Can Answer.  Today, I'm going to share some of mine over the years.

Nicole - On our first shopping trip foray for undergarments. 

"Mommy, why does a bra lift and separate?"

"I think they are trying to describe how this particular style of bra supports your breasts, but to be honest, now that you mention it, that sounds pretty uncomfortable."

Nina - an overheard conversation the daughters were having about dating boys and what was ok and what was NOT ok.  

"These are "my girls" [if I have to explain this euphemism, then you are a guy] and they are off limits!" 

I remember thinking to myself that Daddy would be relieved to hear this. 

Danielle - Sixth grade.  

"Mommy, I hate boys."

"Don't worry Danielle, they really DO eventually grow up and you'll be able to carry on an intelligent conversation." 

I can remember that Danielle still looked skeptical.

Rachel - This question came when she was about twelve, at her Aunt Kelly's house and she saw this bra commercial.  

"Mommy, what's a twenty-four hour bra and why would anyone want to wear one for that long?"

"I think the company just wanted to emphasize their bra's supportive qualities."  (I'm of French descent and Kelly is of Italian descent and we TALK with our hands.  It's an extension of our speaking abilities.  Do I really need to describe how I, unthinkingly, answered this question any further?) 

So that's about as far as I got in the answer before Kelly and I started laughing.  Rachel just rolled her eyes at us and went to go back to watching TV with the rest of our offspring.

Erin - Not too long ago, at an appointment with her pediatrician.  

"Mommy, I don't like bras!  They are nothing more than boob bond@ge." (mis-spelling is intentional, I assure you)   

The look on the doctor's face was priceless!  Then she started to laugh.  Erin was truly serious, so I took her seriously and did a lot of research on bras, why we wear them and what the alternatives were.  There are alternatives and Erin just may end up being the smartest one of us all if you are concerned about breast cancer, which is a serious concern in our family.

QOTD: "The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a other must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child." ~ Erma Bombeck

This Generation's Contributions To The English Language...

I consider myself sufficiently educated concerning the subject of living with five daughters enabled with PMS and the liberal application of chocolate bait to get them to retract their claws teenagers in general, even so, I have, at times, found myself feeling stupefied (with nary a magic wand in sight).  You see, a few of the expressions the progeny of this generation have contributed to the English language, are unrecognizable when attempting the actual process of meaningful communication.  Many of these idioms attain unbelievable, unbloggable depths and are therefor fit only for discussion at our dinner table... for the most minute dissection of not only it's idiocy, but the general consensus of intelligence of the poor sap to make the mistake of uttering it preferably when there are not any guests to be appalled, perplexed, startled, shocked, alarmed, aghast horrified by what passes for normal conversation in the Lemon Stand household...  Although I have it on very good authority that 'normal' is not a state of being, 'normal' is merely a setting on your washer...  Still, I wouldn't change it even if I could... because it's usually riveting enough to hold even the most timid of beings in the state of "rubber-necking"... You may want to get away from the bizarre tangents being travailed, but morbid fascination mesmerizes and you just have to see where that conversational road ends I have learned so much more than I ever wanted to know about subjects in life where my ignorance would not only have been bliss, it would not have adversely affected my chances of taking sustenance without it's irrigation from orifices not intended by nature from our dinner table conversations over the years that I have, without question, earned my PhD in the study of useless bits of information by now.

Granted, sometimes, I have been able to derive the intended meaning of a word or phrase from the context of a conversation...  For instance, when we bought the new car this past spring, our daughter Rachel looked at it and told me she thought it was SHINEY and I knew that surely SHINEY was meant as a compliment of the car's fashion and style... because I apparently do not have a gift in this area

Lately, our daughters, Rachel and Danielle, arbiters of all things 'hip' have been critiquing my sense of cosmopolitanism...

Rachel, "Mom! You can't be seen with that... It's so... so... 'ghetto'!"

Me, "Ghetto?  How would you know?  You've never been in a ghetto?"

We do not live in a city.  We live in a neighborhood where most of the neighbors could be considered edible... You can relax though, because we are NOT cannibals.  You may trust me when I say homo sapiens are very safe at our dinner table... Well, ok... homo sapiens are at least safe from being the LITERAL 'roast' of honor.  Most of our neighbors happen to be wild turkeys, wild rabbits, pheasant, deer, moose, bear... although I unequivocally DO draw the line on eating the squirrels... one must have standards...

QOTD: "One man's wilderness is another man's theme park." ~ Unknown

The Correct Response Here Is, "Yes. Absolutely."

Fall cleaning this year yielded some unexpected treasures.  Since the point of my blog has always been to try to find at least ONE thing in my day that is positive, I tend to write on notepaper, the back of envelopes, the back of receipts, paper bags and once on my hand.  Why?  Because there are days when finding a way to make lemonade is about as likely as seeing a teenager these days NOT showing butt crack when bending over...   So the notes are kinda like breadcrumbs I leave for my brain to follow.  So on a scrap of paper I had written down the following (I believe this was during the second trip to the sandbox for my husband)...

While driving to the store, Rachel suggested that we send 'Daddy' a box of confetti.  I asked her what she wanted to pack in the confetti?  

Rachel, "Nothing.  Just the confetti."  

Me, "Let me get this straight.  You want to send your father a box of confetti and nothing else?  You wanna make him cry?" 

**Giggling from the back seat (girls tend to do that a lot)**

Nicole, "That really wouldn't be as bad as if you'd put water in a vodka bottle and then sent it to him!" [I didn't mention at the time that their father probably would have preferred a Guinness instead]

**Laughter from the back seat**

Rachel, "What if we wrapped all his package stuff up in plastic and poured plaster of paris in the box.  Once it hardened, we could add a little hammer and chisel and make him work to find his treasure?" 

[Since Rachel is the most like her father, humor-wise, I thought this would have been poetic justice, but no, I did refrain from encouraging this idea (...but that was a really tough call).  Instead, among other things, we sent him a five pack of Jones Soda Turkey Dinner]

 

**Now I'M groaning loudly from the FRONT seat!**

Do parents REALLY survive this journey through the teenage years?  

Even if the answer is NO, the correct response here is, "Yes. Absolutely." 

**Nodding wildly with the look of supreme confidence**

QOTD: "Parents are the bones on which children sharpen their teeth." Peter Ustinov

If It's True That You Learn Everything You Need To Know In Kindergarten...

My husband is probably going to be irritated with me and the kids are probably going to say I didn't remember the event correctly, as always, but I just have to write the memory as I remember it down for posterity's sake.

As any parent with teenagers can tell you, when your offspring attains the age of about 12 (if you have not already scheduled their demise) your child revisits the developmental stage of the terrible two's, but this time around it includes added bonuses.  For girls, it's PMS.  For boys, it's testosterone poisoning.  Trust me on this.

So it is not any wonder that there was a particular day in which I needed my husband for a little tag team parenting.  The eldest three were behaving like hard core toddlers and not only did I need a break, I needed my husband to talk to them.  (all of the girls were 12 or older) Since all the girls are 'Daddy's Girls', I try to use this tactic sparingly.  I don't remember now, after many years, just what I was so upset and angry about, but whatever the 'problem' was, I wanted him to talk sternly to them so that they would understand how serious I was about my opinions of said 'problem.'

So the kids go off for a ride in the van with their father so that he could advise them on the 'gravity' of the situation (and I could get a little peace and quiet while the youngest was playing with a friend).

A while later, they all came back and instead of the subdued children I had expected, they were smiling, laughing and teasing each other.  

Before I could question my husband on just what had occurred on this ride, our daughter, Danielle, beamed at me as she said, "You don't have to worry, Mommy.  Daddy explained the four Laws of Life and we understand them all."

The other kids were looking looking as happy as Danielle and they were all nodding their heads vigorously as their sister informed me of their new found knowledge.

Knowing my husband, who, at the time, was standing a little behind them trying to look like his halo wasn't choking him (in my opinion), I immediately knew that something had gone awry in my intended communication with the kids.  I'm sure my eyes, almost instantly, started to narrow.  Seeing that I was not looking real happy with the situation, the kids all hurried to explain the Laws of Life and their meanings... according to Daddy.

"One, Never break more than one law at a time.  So if we were able to drive and had a tail light that was busted, we shouldn't speed."

"Two, Never bring along a camera if you are going to break the law.  That one was easy to understand so we didn't really need an explanation for that one."

"Three, Never try to understand someone else's 'kink'.  So we should just accept people the way they are even if we do think they are a little strange."

"Four, Never date your friend's spouses or girlfriends/boyfriends.  This is just not acceptable behavior and could get you into a LOT of trouble so it is just best to avoid the situation."

By this time I am staring at my husband who had been correcting the wording in their recitation of these laws.

I was pretty angry to start out with and I only got angrier because, darn it all, their facial expressions and the manner in which they spoke was pretty darn funny.  The problem was (other than my husband's humor) that I'm sure there is some unwritten rule out there in the universe that says if you laugh or smile while reprimanding kids, then they can't be punished for whatever their transgression had been.  I was trying really hard not to laugh but finally, I had to just walk away.  Defeated.

Our kids are anything but stupid, and they knew their father was joking with them.  They also knew that I was still pretty mad and the entire bunch played 'least in sight' for the rest of the day. 

At the time, I remember thinking that if it was true that you learn everything you need to know in Kindergarten, just what then, was my husband's Kindergarten class like?  With him in it?

Truthfully, though, we did teach our kids more than to just find humor where ever you can find it.  My husband and I are very proud of all of our kids and we wouldn't sell any of them... even on the bad days... even if someone offered us more than ten cents a pound...

QOTD:  If you have not bought, 'All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten' by Robert Fulghum, you really need to.  Especially if you have kids.  Especially if you have two year olds... or teenagers... or husbands...

    ~ from the book, All I Really Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten

    All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten.

    ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School. These are the things I learned:

    Share everything.

    Play fair.

    Don't hit people.

    Put things back where you found them.

    Clean up your own mess.

    Don't take things that aren't yours.

    Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.

    Wash your hands before you eat.

    Flush.

    Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.

    Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.

    Take a nap every afternoon.

    When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.

    Be aware of wonder.

    Remember the little seed in the styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.

    Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die.  So do we.

    And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

    Everything you need to know is in there somewhere.

    The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation.

    Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.

    Take any of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or your government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm.

    Think what a better world it would be if all - the whole world - had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess.

And it is still true, no matter how old you are - when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

© Robert Fulghum, 1990. Found in Robert Fulghum, All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten, Villard Books: New York, 1990, page 6-7.

Moose, Wolves, Milkbones And Pork Chops...

My notebook is full of stray comments and stories just begging to be told but I don't want to give it all away in one very long post. These are things that I should take time to savor...

Actually, I'm just plain rationing myself so I can recall them through this next school year. All our kids are now living at home with the three eldest attending college so you can see where I might need the comic relief. Danielle and Nina have decided to go to Community College to get their basic courses out of the way while saving up for their last two years of college at the more expensive schools they were accepted by and really wanted to go to. Danielle, Nina and I spent the entire day from early this morning till this evening bouncing between offices and frantically filling out paperwork that had somehow been lost or forgotten about. Nicole at least seems to be handling the process in a much more organized manner than the rest of us.

A few witticisms to share from various relatives while on vacation... Who said what and to whom shall remain a mystery to protect the not so innocent...

"Well, I guess it's time to dress you in a pork chop suit and send you out into wolf territory."

"A word of advice, 'It's a dog eat dog world and we're all wearing milk bone underwear.'"

"She doesn't want to see, hear, or say anything unless it involves a side order of french fries."

"It's okay. There is no need to be afraid of the moose here. I've talked to them and they say that as a professional courtesy for a former herbivore, they respect you and wouldn't think of charging you... besides, moose will only charge you if they can't find an ATM..."

"Just step away from the bacon!"

"Could you go with your sister and take her for a walk... and maybe you could find a fire hydrant nearby... just in case..."

"You definitely lost that argument. You don't have a leg to stand on so just call yourself Gimpy, get yourself a cane and call it a day."

"My teacher has a way of dealing with immature boys. She wears earplugs."

QOTD: "Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of the Forest that was left out by mistake." ~ Pooh’s Little Instruction Book, inspired by A.A. Milne

To my niece Katie's two roommates... Katie gave me blanket permission to become my blog fodder on occasion, which, since you live with her, makes you a package deal. Just like Santa, I make a list and check it twice (I wouldn't want to leave anything out...). Still, I thought it only fair to warn you... and to figuratively throw Katie under the bus. :o) ~ Love, the Wicked Aunt...

(Katie and Rachel. Picture taken by Nina)

Sheep, Dating, Callings and Pillows...

Everyone in our family knows that I am literally going deaf.  It is especially hard to hear when we are in a restaurant with not only our whole gang in tow but all the other diners.  So sometimes what I think I have heard and what was actually said are completely different animals or I have missed almost the entire conversation.  For instance, take dinner last night wherein the seven of us went out...

As near as I can figure out, Nicole was talking to her father about some friend of her boyfriend and then while taking a sip of water I hear my husband (who is sitting right next to me) say:

"You really should let him know that they have discovered another really useful purpose for sheep.  I hear they can get wool from them."  

I nearly spit out my water.  Now, I'm thinking, did I really hear that correctly or is it just my husband being... well, himself?  I was afraid to ask but a few minutes later my curiosity got the better of me and I asked him if he could tell me what the conversation of sheep was all about.  When will I ever learn that ignorance is bliss?  The yuck, or maybe I should say the ewe factor was a little high.  He and our eldest daughter were talking about the dating habits of a few members of the crowd her boyfriend hangs out with.  NOT literally, fortunately.  Unfortunately, I did hear that sentence correctly and since I am determined to keep this blog in the family category, I will not repeat the rest of the conversation. 

Our daughter, Danielle, went to a Supernatural convention last weekend.  Supernatural, I guess is a television series?  (shows you how often I wield the remote control)  Again, I didn't hear the entire conversation except for this snippet:

Danielle, "One of the people there emphatically said that unless you have a true calling to the entertainment industry, don't ever get a job with any facet of it."

Nicole, "Well, that rules you out.  The only calling you have is from your pillow!  It calls you to bed and then hypnotically tells you 'that you can sleep a few more minutes and you still won't be late.'  A while later it croons 'that you'll only be a few minutes late.'  A while later it says, quite reasonably,  'that you are way too late so why not just go back to sleep?  Tomorrow is, after all, another day.'  You know, you should patent that.  Imagine a soft computerized voice in a box you can put under someone's pillow."

Yep, another normal meal with the Lemon Stand household.

QOTD:  “To enter Europe, you must have a valid passport with a photograph of yourself in which you look like you are being booked on charges of soliciting sheep.”  ~Dave Barry (b.1947) American Writer and Humorist

The Gentle Or Gentile Bear Community...

There are times in my life where I can not find my lighter side on my own.  I am blessed, however, with an entire family who have inherited my husband's sense of humor.  Not too long ago we were sitting at the kitchen table having a mini family meeting.  There were things that bugged my husband and I and things that bugged the kids and occasionally we have managed to actually sit down together and talk about them and to see if any compromises were possible that would make everyone happier.

Most of the things were pretty minor but those things that got on a particular family member's nerves, we tried to discuss.  Nina requested that our dishwasher not be run at night or early in the morning because it continuously 'beeps' rather loudly when it is finished a load and the sound wakes her up.  That seemed pretty reasonable.  I also agreed not to run the vacuum before 10am during the summer months.  So then we get to Rachel's request.

My husband built Rachel a very beautiful bedroom in our basement so that she could have her own room.  It turns out, however, to have one slight, unforeseen flaw.  The sewer pipe runs just behind one of her bedroom walls.  If anyone gets up in the middle of the night or early morning to use the loo and then flushes a toilet in either of the bathrooms, it wakes  her up.  Apparently this auditory event is distinctive and loud.

Keep in mind that my husband gets up about 4:30am to be able to get to the base on time.  So we were trying to brainstorm some ideas to avert waking her up at least until my husband could get into the wall and insulate the pipes for sound.  (It's too bad I wouldn't have been able to convince Rachel that they really sound like bagpipes.  After all, one persons music is another persons....)

Husband, "As soon as it slows down at work I will research how to insulate those pipes but in the meanwhile I guess we could just not flush the toilet after Rachel goes to bed till about eight in the morning.  Not a perfect solution but it should suffice in the interim."

Me, "I'm not sure I agree with that.  I can easily anticipate the bathrooms odoriferous environment becoming a laboratory for testing the effects of gas weapons on the human olfactory senses pretty fast.  There are six of us living here right now and with as much time as this family spends in the bathroom, we could end up with backlog of brown submarines that could make their drain diving schedule somewhat crowded or even mission impossible and that is one kind of deck duty that I would seriously prefer to avoid."

My husband nonchalantly says, "Well, I can see this will be easier for me than it will be for you ladies since I can commune with mother nature."

Horrified, I said, "In our yard?"

It took me a minute to realize my husband was yanking my chain, but then I said dryly, "What? One conversation with our neighborhood bear is not enough for you?"

With a serious demeanor, Rachel said, "Oh, don't worry Mom.  Dad will be just marking his territory so the bear knows his boundaries and will be scared off."  (My husband can always count on Rachel to play his 'straight man'.)

 A little while later, the girls were talking about walking to their cousins' house which is just over 7 miles by car.  Nina looked like she wasn't convinced that this was a great idea.  After all, there is all the wildlife to consider...

Rachel trying to gently coax her into going says, "I'm sure we have only gentile bears around here."  (I believe she was trying to draw out the word gentle but it ended up sounding like gen-tile)

Her father, never one to let this kind of opportunity go to waste said to Rachel, "'Gentile' means non-Jewish while 'gentle' means kindly and docile.  So according to you, either we have a local population of non-Jewish bears or they are all kind and cuddly."

QOTD:  "Some people grin and bear it; others smile and do it." ~ Anonymous