When You're Desperate... Desperate Measures Are Called For...

I want to know why there are times, like now, when it takes me an hour to type an average email to a friend and days to think up things with which to decorate my blog's white post screen of death?  There are times, like now, when it seems I've emptied my brain and all that remains is a vacuum.  A black hole within the midst of the universe of my mind. (Don't bother trying to figure out the meaning of that... it's futile, since I write these posts to myself for therapy and even I'm inching toward the nearest emergency exit door, just click on the closest box with an [X] and save yourself now...)  Now granted, there are times my mind produces thoughts that are so far out there, they're coming back, but at least then I can be assured that there is still life in my grey matter.  Neurons are still firing and I'm not dead, but just not aware of it.  Sitting in front of a blank, white screen for a really long time, and not being able to type a single letter, much less a word, feels like lemon juice being poured over a paper-cut.

So since I am in such desperate straits, I'm going to decorate my white post screen of death with the only email I wrote today... Actually, it's the only email I've written since last Thursday.  (My send folder is perpetually lonely...)  I haven't had time to have a consistent and reliable relationship with my computer. I've been very busy lately dismantling my upstairs bathroom sink, faucet, plumbing and seriously eyeing the shower stall and bathroom floor.  Today I dismantled my dryer door and tried for almost three hours, on the floor, in front of the dryer, trying to reassemble it again.  My husband came home and put it back together in ten minutes.  I think I rather dislike him at the moment. I think I may even have to take him up on his lovely offer to test the capacity of my car trunk space... Although, come to think of it, he's right about the truck being easier to slide the dead body out of.  I hate it when he's right.  I hate it when he comes home and does in TEN minutes what I tried to do for THREE HOURS!  I should have known how the day was going to go when I asked myself this morning, 'Why IS IT when I look for a phillips head screwdriver, the only tool I can find... is a hammer?' Desperation for blog fodder has left me willing to show how bad a friend I really am so I'm just going to post this proof of dweebness quickly, then exit... stage left.  Today has sucked.  Just so you know?  If I were to have a choice right now, between a slice of Pumpkin Cheesecake and keeping my promise to myself about a post a day... Well?  The only place I'd be decorating would be my very happy tummy.  Since you see before you a lovely, decorative blog post, my day has at least been consistent.  You can be assured that there is absolutely no slice of Pumpkin Cheesecake within my dominion... hence the hasty post so I can go commune with my pillow and dream of being plump and happy with an unlimited supply of Pumpkin Cheesecake...  Believe me.  It's been one of those days...

Important Communiqué From Moi...

Kelly and Elizabeth,
    As you can see, I am not very prompt about answering email (or anything else for that matter) Seriously, it's my greatest failure in life so I sincerely apologize.  As to WHY the two of you are receiving the same email?  Umm... I'm developing my multitasking skills.  Impressive, huh? I'm lazy and tired [ok, both of you please forgive me for rushing around trying to do about six things at once.  It's keeping my mind occupied and looking for that silver lining when I really want to wallow in self-pity.  So work with me here, ok? Please?] I probably should go get my Thesaurus and look up the word whiner just to make sure my picture is still there...

Elizabeth, you've been reading my blog? First, thank you for your kind words. (I have to drag my manners out and dust them off every once in a while just so I know my Mother would be proud of me.  She DID teach me manners, I just wasn't a very apt pupil) Anyway.  My honest reaction when anyone tells me they've read my blog (other than Kelly because, let's face it… she's put up with me for this long...) is: Ack! It actually sounds quite disgusting when I say this, but it's true, 'my blog is where my mind vomits'. I never realized until I started blogging, just how much I enjoy writing.  I didn't think it would work very well as therapy, but I was wrong.  At least for me, it has helped.  Oh, and I am SOOOOOOOO not going to write a book! Ack, again! That would feel something like having a really nasty virus with me excreting vast amounts of bodily fluids for days on end! So let's just not go there, ok? Besides, I can't imagine what subject any book I wrote could be… except, maybe... "How To Throw Your Own Fabulous Pity Party Complete With Party Hats, Balloons, Noise Makers And A Visit From The Police… Or Possibly The Men With Those Cute White Coats Who Are So Gentlemanly, They Actually Hold Your Coat To Help You To Put It On?"  Just the title length would put you to sleep.  Can't imagine a story plot either, although I have always loved the line, "Ahhhhh, the plot thickens..." .  Not sure exactly what that means but it just SOUNDS dramatic… So Sherlockesque… (Not to be confused with Burlesque.  That's Not dramatic… that's just sex and although I know that sex sells… I can't see myself writing dramatic, steamy, sex scenes without laughing my butt off, because I can see myself picturing them posing as Gumby and Pokey… and I know that's just wrong...)

It's been insane around here this past week, but it matches my need to do anything but think about my doctor's visit.  I think ripping out the upstairs bathroom this week will be a major stress reliever.  Hammer+crowbar+me=a beautiful new bathroom (Kelly, you can stop laughing now… it CAN happen.  It may not look like something Martha Stewart (or Norm Abrahms, for that matter) would appreciate or be proud of… but when you come to visit… you can just leave the lights off when you use it... oh wait... it has no window.  Not to worry, I can provide you with a glow stick...) Besides, I've already learned about disassembling sinks.  Now, I know how to take apart my Dryer door using ONLY a Phillips head screwdriver! (The hammer was darn tempting tho'… I have to admit it took a lot for me to hold myself back on that one… Actually, I'm quite proud of my restraint…)  My projects are just growing in scope and size… At this rate, I'll be building a new house by next month…

Well, I think that's about as much torture communication as either of you can handle from me in one day.  So I will take pity on you and close before you are required to start immediate intense therapy to recover from it.

Hope you guys have a GREAT week!

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem or no sense of humor. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this e-mail is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the Chihuahua next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you! Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.