What Does The English Language, Hoo Hoos And Pole Dancing Have In Common?

If you have teenage daughters, then some of the following might seem a little familiar... in a twisted, humorous kind of way...

Nicole and I do not see eye to eye on the length and height of a few articles of clothing. I know the style these days is to wear your pants as low as it can go without being arrested for indecent exposure... but not on my daughters.

The same can be said for the depth of cleavage shown. We have tried to instill a sense of morals and values and I think our kids have very good heads on their shoulders for the most part. As teenagers, however, it must be some unwritten rule, somewhere, that 'thou must argue, whine and generally be disagreeable about fashion, music and what the friends are allowed to get away with that you are not.'

Having said this, tonight's conversation will make more sense to you. We open the scene with Danielle arguing with me about her jeans and the fact that she is not wearing a shirt that will cover her midriff.

Finally her father says to her, "If you are going to attempt to communicate primarily in the English language, then you should learn to use it in a more intelligent manner."

Argument over.

We all sit down to eat dinner. Remember Nicole who is notorious for getting spoken to about her clothing choices? Well, she looks across the table at her sister and says to her, "Your shirt is way too low. I get yelled at if I don't wear another shirt underneath."

The husband says, as Nicole continues on this train of thought, "You have made your point, don't lose the moral high ground. Besides, if your sister wants to show her hoo hoos at the dinner table for us all to comment upon, who are you to ruin our fun?"

Danielle quickly pulls up her shirt.

Danielle, "I wore a sweatshirt over this all day!"

Me, "Yeah, I've been meaning to ask for you to give me my sweatshirt back.  It's older than you are and I've just gotten it broken in."

My husband looks at me and says, "Is that the one she was conceived upon?"

Danielle, "EEEEUUUWWWW!  Did you have to tell me that?  That is really not a mental picture that I want to have!"

Husband, "Will you be able to wear your mother's sweatshirt again without picturing it?"

Danielle, "Noooooooo!  You've ruined it for me."

Husband, "Mission accomplished."

Not that this is true, mind you, but I decided not to add to this conversation... not even to mention that her shirt now bares her midriff again. It may not seem like it sometimes, but I do try to pick my battles.

My husband says, "I don't get it. You don't mind the world seeing you but you are embarrassed if anyone in your family sees you? Aren't you the same daughter who just showed that you can't stand to hear even a hint that your parents have a love life?"

Me, "Honey, maybe she just needs to get used to us? Maybe we should try to be a little louder?"

Danielle, "Euuwww! Dad, how about we bring up your parents love life?"

My husband, "Why? You're the only one embarrassed by it. If you want to embarrass me you will have to try a lot harder."

Danielle, "At least I didn't pursue pole dancing as a form of exercise."

Nicole very loudly states, "Not in my house!"

My husband, (imitating Dr. Seuss)

"Not in my house,
not in my car,
not in my yard,
not in my town,
not in my time zone,
not in my hemisphere!"

Yes, indeed. It's just another day in the life of the Lemon Stand household. Aren't you glad your family isn't as strange as mine?

End of scene. Exit. Stage right.

QOTD: "You know your children are growing up when they stop asking where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going." P. J. O'Rourke