Automated Voice Menus...

Am I the only person who despises having to deal with automated menus when calling a doctor's office to make an appointment or a bank to ask why they suddenly charged you with new banking fees? I feel like my entire morning was wasted on:

1. Automated menus designed to torture someone idiotic enough to want answers.
2. 'Your call is important to us, so please stay on the line and your call will be answered by the next available representative'
3. 'I'm sorry for the wait time, but I need to transfer you to a different department to answer your question.'
4. 'Please enter your account number, zip code and the planet you were born on, followed by the pound sign.' (I've often wondered why the mental picture I have of this symbol is NOT a hatch mark, but instead a battered and bruised face?)
5. 'Can you hold?', 'No! Please don't put me on hold again!' click... 'Hello????'

Which made me dig out a post I did for the Emergency Stress Relief Hotline: 

You have reached the Emergency Stress Relief Hotline, if the cause of your distress is due to a person other than yourself, please press 1 and you will be connected with persons who have similar concerns about this individual.  They will then assist you in making plans on where to hide the body.

If the cause of your distress is due to your own behavior, please press 2 and you will be connected with a large burly male with a size 18 shoe named Sue who will be delighted to arrange for your emergency attitude adjustment appointment.

If the cause of your distress is due to an incident beyond your control, please press 3 and you will be connected to your mother, sibling, spouse or best friend for either a sympathetic ear and hug or an appointment at the nearest pub for a few rounds.  Please be advised that your mother would prefer the former, rather than the latter.

If the cause of your distress is due to an incident you are responsible for, please press 5 and you will be re-enrolled in a Kindergarten class of your choice.  This opportunity is being offered to you since it has been scientifically proven that anything you needed to learn about life, responsibility and getting along with others was learned there and it's obvious that you may need a refresher course. [Unless you happen to be my husband...]

If the cause of your distress is due to a condition you have no control over, please press 6 and you will be connected with your therapist who will once again go over the concept of acceptance of what you can not change.  Afterward, please stay on the line and you will then be enrolled in a therapeutic art class where you may release your emotions onto canvas and then become an overnight sensation of the art world where people will pay you thousands of dollars for your 'angsty' accomplishments.

If the cause of your distress is due to a condition you DO have control over, please press 7 and you will be connected with your Father so that you may receive the benefit of his wisdom.  He will then ask you questions like: why you are allowing yourself to feel distress over something you DO have control over, what are your plans to not only survive this adversity, but to thrive on the opportunity, because really, that's what fathers are for. [Unless you happen to be one of our offspring]

If the cause of your distress is due to the universe in general and bad karma in particular, please press 8 and you will be connected to an astrologist who will read the heavens and tell you exactly what is distressing you and why.  After obtaining this information, please again call the Emergency Stress Relief Hotline phone and press the appropriate number for assistance.

If you truly do not know the cause of your distress, please press 9 and you will be connected with a travel agent who will book you a stay on a deserted isle for as long as needed in which to contemplate your situation.  Please be advised that the accommodations are single occupancy only for the greatest amount of quiet time in which to ponder your life.  Further, be advised that there is no electricity on this deserted island and therefore any electronic devices are discouraged.  When you have returned to civilization, please again call the Emergency Stress Relief Hotline and press the appropriate number for assistance.

For all other questions please press 0 and a customer service representative in India will be with you shortly.  If possible, please have a translator available for a translation of instructions, otherwise our customer service experts will be more than happy to stay on the line and attempt to communicate with you until you understand what they are trying to say or you have finally given up in frustration.

Thank you and have a nice day!