09 March 2011

Repeat After Me...

WARNING: Do NOT drink or eat while reading this...

I went looking for the Bill Cosby's quote at the bottom of this post, and then remembered the old post it had been attached to.  I said to myself, "Self," (because the whole "WE are not amused", kind of thing, just isn't me... well, that and the fact that I talk to myself on occasion... just to be sure my auditory senses are in working order you understand... Right.  Dead horse and all that...) "THIS is medicine for what ails ya.  AND, it has the added benefit of not tasting like pond scum!"  Done deal.

On one of his deployments, my husband sent me the following in an email with a few comments of his own.  And just so you know?  My husband does not give warnings on things such as this, so the interior walls of my nostrils were introduced (rather unhappily, I might add) to orange juice.  You may thank me later for saving your own sinus' to a similar fate.  (I just want to make note that, although we have 4 cats, this particular incident could not happen in our house since we also have all daughters... and therapy is expensive.)
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!", she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second?" So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leaped at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold!

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!

Husband, "Why is it that only the women laugh at this?"

Me, "Too funny! Oh Yes….MUST pass this on! Holy cow! I DO think that all the men will cringe and the women will weep…..with laughter."

Husband,  "It does display the perils of an external reproductive system rather nicely...."

QOTD: "Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it." Bill Cosby (1937-) American Actor, Comedian and Producer




    I am definitely weeping with laughter!!!

  2. Only the boys are home right now. I won't bother asking them to read this.


    Oh, and thanks, I needed a good laugh.


  3. Yeah, it's funny, but still I cringe. I think it's an instinct carried on the Y chromosome.

  4. Meleah - no matter how many times I read that story, I had to laugh, but my husband's comments still really crack me up. They are so 'him', if you know what I mean.

    AC - Ah, you are very wise... or you don't have the slightly warped sense of humor I have.

    CGHill - would that be the same chromosome that contains the gene for for self preservation with living in the the midst of six PMSing women... to not come home without the necessary offering of chocolate? ::shrugs:: just curious.

  5. Goodness! Thank you for the laguh...I'm still wiping tears from my eyes.


Contents from normal neural synapsis goes here....
Should unnatural neural synapsis occur? Take one cherry chocolate Hershey Kiss and carry on.
Should NO neural synapsis occur? Take two full strength chocolate Hershey Kisses and
try again in the morning.