01 November 2009

Questions Only Daddy Can Answer...

Ah, more wonderful conversation from the dinner table. There really needs to be a warning that drinking or eating anything at our dinner table may not be consumed in the manner nature intended.

Rachel asked her father very carefully and slowly, wanting to pronounce the word(s) just right so that he could give her a definition of SEX TENT. I looked quickly to my husband's face and I can tell that the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them...

"A carnival tent with lots of whoopie cushions?"
"Dad!!!!" chorused the kids.

"What? Where did you see that written?"
It took me a few minutes to catch my breath. Then I said,
"Honey, I think she meant SEXTANT, as in navigation equipment."
(Rachel has been reading alot of pirate books lately.)
"OOOOHHHHH! Well then NO, that has nothing to do with clowns, midgets or animals performing lewd acts."  
OK, this time I gave the husband 'The Look'. You who have husbands will know which 'look' I am talking about. Mine said:
"These are your DAUGHTERS that you are teaching your brand of twisted humor! They are really not old enough for this yet!"
So my husband relented and explained in very simple, graphic terms what a sextant is and how it is used, what the history of it etc. I love these discussions because I always learn something new and I know he would be a great history teacher. He really knows how to bring a subject alive.

So it comes time for my turn of the "So what happened in your world today?" and I tell them about the huge flock of wild turkeys that take up our yard every summer. Now I am almost deaf in one ear and the other is not that great so I normally do not hear the turkeys gobble, but for some reason they were really loud that day. I heard the air horn of a semi on the main road (we live on a corner) so I looked out to see what was up. There were no other vehicles around so I figured he had just done it to scare the turkeys away from the road. I continued on with the chores.

The turkeys, however, didn't calm down. They were loud for quite a while. Eventually Erin wandered into the kitchen and looked out the window.
"Hey Mom, there is something in the road."
I looked, and sure enough, one of our neighbors had stopped to pull a wild turkey off the pavement. The other turkeys by this time had wandered to the field on the other side of the road.

So I told this story at the table and then wondered aloud whether the turkeys had just been warning each other and maybe that was why they had been so loud. The husband, of course, had to do his OWN rendition...
"Henrietta, get away from that road! Henrietta? Henrietta? Where'd she go? Henrietta, get up off that pavement right now! If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times....don't ever play chicken with the traffic! Get up I tell you...I have heard the "Why did the turkey cross the road joke" a million times! You DO NOT need to demonstrate! Hey guys, Henrietta ain't moving...you don't think she....gulp....is DEAD? OH NOOOOO, dead turkey in the middle of the road, dead turkey in the middle of the road....Yes indeed Honey, that is what they were screaming all afternoon!"
We were all dying. Needless to say, we did not have a hot meal by the time it got eaten....
QOTD: "I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. Theres's TURKEY Ham, TURKEY bologna, TURKEY pastrami. Someone needs to tell the TURKEY, man, just be yourself." Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian (1968-2005)
(Originally posted 6 Sep 2006)


  1. Yay! Comments!

    It's really good to see you back, especially with stories like this!

  2. I think your DH, Mrs. Who's Daddy and I were all lucky recipients of the same humor gene! ;)

  3. Now just watch, your son, Goob the MARINE (Thank him for his service from me and mine!), will be able to blame you for warping him too!)


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