A evening in the life of the Lemon Stand family...
At the dinner table last, our daughter Nicole cracked her neck by pushing sideways on her jaw with her hands on her head. *popping noise*
Rachel, not to be out done by any of her sisters, tries the same thing and nothing happens.
Nicole, attempts to further contort her body by turning upper torso around in chair until she sounds like a commercial for Rice Krispies. (Snap, crackle and pop)
ME "Eeeewwww, ok, that's enough. This is not appropriate behavior for the dinner table. Besides, it's not very good for your back or neck."
Husband agreeably warns, while cracking his knuckles (he's such a guy!) "It really won't be good for 'your neck' if I hear it again..."
Erin, who then lets out a lady like burp, "Sorry Mom."
Before I could say anything Rachel came back with, "Better to pass gas through the mouth than the butt."
ME (I just HAD to ask), "Why?"
Rachel, proudly proclaims "You can clear a room faster with butt wind than belching. It's a known fact. I've proven it." (She has too. Although she likes beans the rest of us have to wear gas masks after she indulges.)
Nicole, ribbing her sister as elder sisters always do, "We need to lock Rachel in a big bubble when she has any beans. She can be bubble girl. That way when she farts she only asphyxiates herself."
Rachel, "Where's the fun in that?"
Husband threatens, "If she gets the bubble then you get the zip lock bag..."
Later when our youngest daughter, Erin, who is 8 years old, complained of a headache I thought that giving her some Tylenol then putting her to bed a little early would probably be a good thing.
As Erin crawled into bed she said, "Mommy, my bed has to be fixed."
From the other corner of the room Rachel, deliberately misunderstanding, said "Your bed doesn't have to be neutered, it can't reproduce."
Erin will always try to win a verbal battle with Rachel, regardless of the subject, "But then where do cat beds come from?"
Rachel, with a straight face says, "The come from a bed manufacturing facility. Don't you ever notice how beds are stacked? One right on top of the other?"
Yeah, it's time for me to step in as Rachel at age 12 still hasn't learned what 'age appropriate' is, "End of subject! It's time for you to sleep."
Erin,with a puzzled look on her face, "But how are the beds made? The same way I was?"
I can't tell you how much I wanted to say "pretty much"... :o)
ME, "This is a talk for another day. Go to sleep"
Erin grumpily says, "Why do I always have to go to sleep just when the talk gets interesting?"
ME, "If you really want "the reproducing and how babies are made talk" right now, I will be happy to explain it to you." (I'm thinking Reader's Digest version because if my kids are brave enough to ask, then they deserve an answer. Since Erin is the youngest and there is a 7 year difference in age between Nicole and her, she knows approximately what subject 'the talk' is about. But that story is for another day.)
I guess Erin quickly changed her mind (every girl's prerogative) and said, "Mommy, do we have to? I really don't want a long talk about sex tonight, I have a headache."
Out of the mouths of babes.
QOTD: "I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead." Woody Allen (1935-) American Actor, Author, Screenwriter and Film Director
(Originally published 5 April 2007)