07 March 2011

My Lemonade Blender Needs A New Setting... Warp Speed...

Today is Monday, so it HAS to be humorous enough to get me through the week ahead.  I thought I would expound upon the Creative Insults, Kelly and I used to swap.

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Who told you to be yourself?  They couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

Converse with any plankton lately?

And there you were: reigning supreme at number two.

Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.

Please don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.

Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

He has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.

Have you considered suing your brains for nonsupport?

Face it.  You have one brain cell, and it is fighting for dominance.

He is always lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory.

You are so conceited, your eyes behold each other perfectly.

Just visiting this planet?

His brain waves fall a little short of the beach.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I certainly hope you are sterile.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

I worship the ground that awaits you.

I'd like to give you a going-away present ... but you have to do your part.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought ... but I'm not sure you have a place to put it!

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.

If the saying, "What you don't know can't hurt you,"  is true?  He's practically invulnerable.

Make a mental note . . . oh, I see you're out of paper!

People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect but you are doing all right.

Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Somebody else is doing the driving for that boy!

The closest she/he'll ever get to a brainstorm is a slight drizzle.

The going got weird and he turned pro.

The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?

They said you were a great asset. I told them they were off by two letters.

They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.

We all spring from apes but you didn't spring far enough.

We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?

Whatever is eating you - must be suffering horribly.

When I look into your eyes, I see the back of your head.

When you die, you should have your brain donated to science. I hear they're trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.

You are no longer beneath my contempt.

You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.

You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

You started at the bottom - and it's been downhill ever since.

You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

You've got your head so far up your ass you can chew your food twice.
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.


  1. These are all pretty funny. This one is my favorite:

    "I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"


  2. The fact that I was assigning each of these to people I know tells me I need to do some inner work. But in the meantime, I'm loving them! Thank you.

  3. Meleah - I SOOOOO need humor right now. I tried to pick a favorite, but I'm like Bette. I've been trying not to label in my mind some people I know.

    Bette - See above. Inner work in progress. :)

  4. I guess I am not as evolved, I had them labeled quickly and without remorse...and the ones I can't place I can't wait to find a target for.

    Those R TO Fun

  5. M - Thank you for that laugh... Now I'm going to be sizing up people for the rest of the day. Hopefully I can keep an expressionless face.


Contents from normal neural synapsis goes here....
Should unnatural neural synapsis occur? Take one cherry chocolate Hershey Kiss and carry on.
Should NO neural synapsis occur? Take two full strength chocolate Hershey Kisses and
try again in the morning.