12 January 2013

The Most Amazing Discovery... Again...

OK. I admit, I should have known better than to just link this on Facebook instead of reposting it. "Not everyone has or wants a FB page."  I GET it. I GOT it! (and you're lucky I'm allowing you to remain anonymous... sheesh!) Everyone else gets a free pass to post new intelligent comments, even ones that take pot shots at social media websites...
So for 'she who will not be named':The Most Amazing Discovery...Email from Me to my Husband: Honey, I’ve made the most amazing discovery!  There are other homo sapiens like you (other than our kids) after all.  I am sure you are so relieved!  Just look!
From Laura of Fetch My Flying MonkeysJ is a freedom-hating-Michael Kors-loathing Nazi and here's proof.
J: "I want you to take my credit card on vacation with you. I want you to only use in it in case there's an emergency." Hands me a black card.
Me: "Sweeeeet."
J: "Umm Laura, an emergency only, okay?"
Me: "Okay." Fondles card. "My Preciousssss."
J: "Maybe we should go over what constitutes an emergency."
Me: "If I see a Michael Kors purse 50% or more off."
J: "No, Laura. I was thinking about if there's an emergency on the road traveling."
Me: "So we're driving down the road and there's a roadside stand and they're selling Michael Kors purses 50% or more off."
J: "No. Do not use it to buy a Michael Kors purse."
Me: "Okay. So we're driving down the road and there's a roadside stand selling otters, and for every otter you buy you get a free Michael Kors purse."
J: --
Me: "Two free Michael Kors purses per otter?"
J: "I'm not kidding, Laura. Use it for emergencies ONLY."
Me: "Like in case there's a zombie attack?"
J: Sighs. "Zombie attacks would constitute as an emergency, yes."
Me: "Like for buying weapons, right?"
J: "Yes, you can buy weapons on it in case of zombie attack."
Me: "And bullets? Lots of bullets?"
J: "Yes. In case of zombie attack you can use it for weapons and lots of bullets."
Me: "And a Michael Kors purse to keep the bullets in?"
J: "Give me my card back."
Me to Husband: Honey, I am also sending a copy of this post to our (five) daughters (who are convinced a zombie invasion is imminent) just to make sure they are prepared. Gotta tell them to make sure they get a Michael Kors purse to put the bullets in... then, it's not a purse, it's a supply chest... Right?
Husband: Who is Michael Kors, and will a purse made by him hold a chainsaw and/or M249 SAW magazine? How many nadgrenades can it hold? Are the seams double stitched so it won't spill my 12 gauge rounds while knocking down zombies with it?Me: What are nadgrenades?
Husband: Sorry typo on a small keyboard, insert hand grenades, either GP (general purpose) or white phosphorus...
purseMe: This one would be PERFECT!!!  MICHAEL KORS Darrington Shoulder Tote, Taupe  995.00
(That would be the amount of American dollars required to acquire said specimen. Zombies optional.) Since we have five daughters and myself... we'd need six of them... but wait!  It's taupe!  It would look fabulous with any of your fashionable desert camouflage wardrobe... In that case then, we would need 7 of these babies, please. Since you ARE currently stuck in Las Vegas, perhaps you could take advantage of the opportunity to earn a few extra dollars shakin' your bootie?
your wife and daughters...
Husband: Bootie? I think I broke it, however if you allow me to withdraw the mortgage money, I'm sure I can double it...
Me: Sigh.  Well, if your bootie is broken, perhaps you could rent yourself out as an executive level escort?  As for the mortgage money, no.  We really do need to buy these Michael Kor Handbags with money not already earmarked for current expenses.  This is strictly so that we can be ready for when the Zombies DO attack.  I do believe we will have a little time for you to work the magic of your sparkling personality.
Husband: I am too old for an "escort service".  I have thought about a side job as a thong model, perhaps some conservative right-wing loud mouth will pay me in a subtle reverse psychology attack on the male undergarment industry.
Me: A thong model? Hmmmm.  That sounds like it has potential... How soon do you think you could get started?  I, personally, would not pay for the thongs, but the pictures DO sound like they might have promise....
Husband: As soon as...
A. I can find one in green (of course).
B. Get limber enough to strut properly, probably not any time soon.
C. File the necessary environmental impact statement. It's Friday the day after a federal holiday, I'm sure the EPA is swamped.
Me: Why would you need an environmental impact statement?  Afraid to shock the squirrels?  Scare the bears?  Besides, I think you'll look much better in a thong than I will...
Husband: Not according to the maid…
Me: OK.  I guess I need to become resigned about our inability to fend off the zombies....
Husband: Just rethink the plan. We don't have children, we have 5 opportunities to distract them...
Me: Riiiiggght.  Unfortunately, "Don't worry... the zombies are looking for brains.  You're safe." only applies to our daughters and I really didn't want to have to sacrifice you like that... Sentimental reasons, you know.  Thirty years and you've kinda grown on me.  I have you trained almost to perfection.  Still... I guess a girl's gotta do what a girl’s gotta do...

Bookmark and Share
7 Intelligent Comments:
Mrs. Who said...
We don't have children, we have 5 opportunities to distract them...
Damn...we've already sent two of ours off...down to two distractions!
Y'all crack me up! :)
November 12, 2010 10:54 PM
VW said...
I was snickering until I hit this line: Still... I guess a girl's gotta do what a girl’s gotta do...
and then I laughed out loud. You two are originals.
November 13, 2010 6:02 AM
LeeAnn said...
If H ever wanted to email, we'd have conversations like that. Probably with more cussing, but that's just us.
I love it.
November 13, 2010 8:32 AM
Lemon Stand said...
"I just read your conversation with your husband (notice "not my brother"), I am pretty sure Mom said the mold was broken after he was born so there really can't be another one like him. Really!~ Me" ~ my SIL, whom I shall let remain anonymous (although you DO realize he sometimes DOES read my posts when he's really bored... or needs a sleep aid...) ~ If the mold was broken 'after he was born', then it sure looks like someone glued it back together... LS
Mrs. Who - one can always live in hope that the zombie invasion won't begin until there is some sort of family get together... just so you can make full use of all your opportunities...
VW - I DO love him dearly. However, I know that he feels the exact same sentiment. So in his words, "It's a dog eat dog world, and we're all wearing milk bone underwear."
LeeAnn - Ah, but I have to admit that most of our conversations have to be edited. Cuss words are not left unheard of in this house.(the decibel level of which, is an indicator of how well a building or repair project is going for my husband) In most of our cases, it is the realm of depths to which EVERYONE in the family can sink to... with the husband as an example or the instigator of how such an achievement can be reached. I used to think he had warped our kids... now I just realize that through some fluke of nature, they only got all of HIS DNA. :)
November 13, 2010 9:52 AM
Andy said...
Ain't it grand to be hitched to a friend?
Thanks for the glimpse.
Seriously, thanks. That put a big smile on my ugly old mug this morning.
November 13, 2010 10:58 AM
Felicitas Linda said...
LMAO That was Epic!
November 13, 2010 3:28 PM
Lemon Stand said...
Andy - you are most welcome... I take it you have a problem with an ugly old mug in the morning? Man... you should really have yourself a pretty nap at least once a day... I hear it improves your condition... just sayin' :)
Linda - The unedited version was even better, but alas... I'm attempting to keep this blog family friendly.... for families that are obviously other than mine...
Still, You all have missed the perfect opportunity to go read a post at Laura's blog... I DID put the link in. Really. I really love to lurk there. (Just don't eat or drink while reading... oh, and I guess I must also warn you that breathing while reading her blog has proven to be a health hazard for me... can't laugh, snort, cough and breath at the same time... guess I'm a failure at multi-tasking...)
November 13, 2010 8:51 PM
 reposted from 10 Nov 2010


  1. I'll just send you my 11yr old. He'll distract the rest of them while they try to figure out where he's gone.

    See this summer he got past Dh and I, out the door and nearly a km down the road before the neighbor found him. My secret agent boy is a sneak. Trust me, if he doesn't want you to see him, doesn't want you to hear him and he wants to go to the playground THEN and you aren't moving fast enough.... He's outta there. Oh, and the doors deliberately squeak...

    We thought he was upstairs at the time.....

    Oh, and he's not lost, nor will he go with any of the neighbors home or talk to them, but he does know he's been caught and heads for home ASAP. It was a long summer btwn one being unable to control his brain (puberty - meds are working now), and my escape artist.

  2. Distraction ideas are always welcome. I should start a list to go into my emergency kit. :)


Contents from normal neural synapsis goes here....
Should unnatural neural synapsis occur? Take one cherry chocolate Hershey Kiss and carry on.
Should NO neural synapsis occur? Take two full strength chocolate Hershey Kisses and
try again in the morning.