17 November 2009

Deployment Humor...

WARNING: Do NOT drink or eat and read this...

When my husband gets deployed to wherever his super suit duties take him, he always tries to send me something humorous to keep our spirits up, while the girls and I are attempting to do the same thing.  It's almost like a battle... each side trying to make the other side laugh harder...
On one of his deployments my husband sent me this chuckle with a few comments of his own added for good measure. I just want to say that although we have 4 cats, this particular incident could not happen in our house since we also have daughters and NO WAY does my husband want to give ANY of them an anatomy lesson....
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!", she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second?" So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold!

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
My husband, "Why is it that only the women laugh at this?"

ME, "Too funny! Oh Yes….Have to pass this on! Holy cow! I DO think that all the men will cringe and the women will weep…..with laughter."

Husband,  "It does display the perils of an external reproductive system rather nicely...."
QOTD: "Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it." Bill Cosby (1937-) American Actor, Comedian and Producer


  1. I need to have my husband read that! hehe

    Here's a great quote I discovered recently that goes with the "humor" theme:

    A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road. - Henry Ward Beecher

  2. Man, I REALLY like that quote! I'm gonna have to steal it for one of my posts... ;)

  3. I snorted my beverage.

    It's not all fictional. Back when I was a single dad, I got up one night and made my way to the bathroom (my daughter was out of town, so I slept without sweats), only to be regrettably reminded that (a) my daughter had brought home an adorable kitten just before leaving to visit her mother, and (b) kittens will bat at anything that dangles.

    I don't believe the human throat is actually capable of the sound that resulted.

  4. Mrs. Who - I just knew you'd get a kick out of that. Perhaps you should get BR a kitten for Christmas? Just Saying...

  5. Ooops - meant to also tell Joel that I DID warn you not to eat or drink while reading that post. I, myself, christened the inside of my nose and just about the rest of me with a glass of orange juice when my husband originally sent this to me. He does NOT give warnings. :)

  6. I think that this one needs to go to some friends who volunteer with me at a cat shelter...



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