Sharing The Humor...

There are times when our family conversations just have to be shared. Today I got a two-fer and never saw either one coming. Which, frankly, is the best way to enjoy our twisted sense of humor.

Today started off like an average Monday with me trying desperately to find three good things I could say about it.

An aside: If you are having a very bad day, or even an average bad day, try my lemonade recipe to turn any bad day into a sunny day...  It really takes some practice to get it right so don't worry if it doesn't work right off the bat. Find three good things about your day already and really get creative with your imaginative descriptions. Like I said, this takes practice and since practice makes perfect, introduce the concept to everyone who annoys you. Then you too can have a two-fer kind of day. See how this works? End of aside.

Back to my three good things: Latin Education, Catapults and Mondays. What's not to love?  Let your imagination run wild. Wild is a good thing for Mondays.  You may thank me for this bit of wisdom later.

This mindset, I took into the doctor's office with me this afternoon.  Even after the excitement of finding out I had high blood pressure today and since it seems like I do nothing in half measures, it topped out at 157 over 117. My normal blood pressure always used to be 96 over 68. Always. Just another sign that I am improving with age. My doctor, however, did not agree with me and sent me home to take some blood pressure medication, lay down and do some serious meditation. I could have told her that I only know humorous meditation, but she didn't look like she'd take that comment well, and hell, I didn't want to ruin her day.

So off I trot to pick up the kids and then head home to do as the doctor ordered.  This is where the first bombshell dropped.

Me to Rachel and Erin: "So the doctor told me to keep the stress level down and go home."

Erin, "I guess then, that now is not the time to tell you that you're about to become a Grandmother."

At first I thought I must have been mistaken, because that sure sounded like my 14 year old and not my 18 year old. There's an old saying that says it's the quiet ones you really have to look out for. Yup, Erin is definitely not the chattiest one in the family.

So no. Now would normally not be the best time to tell me news of that sort, but damn if I could stop laughing.

Then my husband gets home from his temporary duty in the Florida panhandle this evening... Just in time for a snow storm.

Another aside: Instead of hunting down and hurting the person or persons responsible for the Happy Snoopy Snow Dance, I've decided to have everyone I know start dancing the Happy Snoopy Spring Dance. I'm ready for flowers, maple syrup season, and allergies. Bring it on. I don't care if you can't dance. Do it anyway. No one will see you unless you do it at work or in a grocery store isle.  So go ahead into your bathroom, turn on the shower to cover any possibility of odd noises coming through the door for your family to start worrying about. You'll feel so much better for it and I will be thrilled that you cared enough to help jump start Spring around here. 'Kay? End of another aside.

Danielle came over for dinner and while the conversation was all that is normal at our dinner table, I nearly spit my teeth out when Danielle regaled us with her adventures on Face Book.

"I saw someone post, 'So you know when you are cutting a piece of paper and all of a sudden you realize you're about to cut an atom.' and all I could think was, 'you just need to step away from the glue now'."

"I picked the wrong day to quit sniffing glue!" ~ Airplane!

This is pretty ironic considering some of the conversation volleys over the years, but yeah, it was pretty funny with her serious facial mien and hand gestures.  Maybe you'd have had to be there for this to sound funny to you, but life is short. Laugh while you can.  So I decided that it was time to step away from the chalupas and quickly go write this blog post before I have to give last rights to a few more memory brain cells (without nary a sight of glue to sniff).

Another successful lemonade-making opportunity. Life is good.

Latin Education, Catapults and Mondays...

This is what I thought of when our kids wanted to learn how to make catapults...

Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.

When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.

I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head

This is what you get from offspring who are related in any way to my husband. He, of course, would be out there to help build them and give pointers on what makes the best ammunition. Get him together with his siblings and you'd have a catapult convention to engineer a better catapult and lessons on how to choose the most aerodynamic rocks. Add in all the offspring for loading and spouses for food and we'd have a barbecue worthy of the Fourth of July.

It's a Monday. One must ponder things like this on Mondays to keep one sane. 

Have a Happy Monday!

Observing Instead Of Vacationing...

So the husband is currently on temporary duty (TDY) at a different base and has been tapped to be an inspector for a 'practice' military exercise even though he was only expecting to be an 'observer'. This means instead of observing the action, he's grading those doing the action and writing up what they did wrong. In other words, no vacation here...

After the panic of the first day, I got a text message this morning that said, "Today is fun. I get to kill folks and break things."

(In military speak, that means something like, "I get to point at someone and say, 'You just got shot.' then say to his buddy, 'Just what are you supposed to do now?' and 'This piece of equipment just broke, how are you going to do your job without it?'")

I, of course, texted him back and said, "Life is all about the little trade offs."

Then I get the call this evening...
"I missed breakfast and lunch and just got back to the hotel after a very long day and four double shots of scotch. Think I'll go to bed now..." 

It's 7pm there. Yup, military life rarely changes it's spots.

QOTD: "Airplanes suffers from so many technical faults that it is only a matter of time before any reasonable man realizes that they are useless!" ~ Scientific American (1910)

Loretta Lou And The Logistics Of Selling Your Kids On Ebay...

A few years back I was reading another favorite blog of mine, Just Another Snarky Wife. Her post was about her husband coming home after being deployed and doing the happy snoopy dance.  I laughed and cried reading this post.  But the one thing that really stuck a chord with me was her theory about how to be a successful Navy spouse. After pondering this theory I now believe it is true for any spouse, single parent or caregiver (regardless of military affiliation), that has one of those days.  You know the kind I'm talking about...

"I have a theory: The successful Navy spouse is the one who can paste a cheery smile on her face even though she's working out the logistics of selling the kids on eBay, ditching the house, finding a job at a truck stop restaurant in Podunk, Arizona, and changing her name to Loretta Lou. Okay, it's not a theory so much as an intense desire to know I've hit some type of marker of success. /snort"

That was just too funny a definition to pass up passing it on!  Please read the entire post, I've linked it here (and on her blog name above)

QOTD: "I have always believed that writing advertisements is the second most profitable form of writing. The first, of course, is ransom notes..." ~ Philip Dusenberry

The Care And Feeding Of Offspring...

Erin: "Mom? Can Rachel and I get something to eat before we come home from school? We're starving!"
Me: "NO! Absolutely NOT! I want you starving when you get home!"
Erin: "Mom?"
Me: "Yes dear?"
Erin: "I may have to eat you!"
Me: "Naw. I wouldn't taste very good. I'm a tough old bird."
Erin: "Then I'll feed you to the cats!"
Me: "Okay. I guess you guys can go get something to eat."

You know? I really thought I had already fed them yesterday? Maybe it's time to increase their feed? Maybe feed them twice a day instead of once? They're good kids so I guess I'll be more generous.

Education, Sucking Wounds And Pickup Lines...

 I find it interesting how some of our family conversations never do change, and how some of the family conversations will never happen again now that our kids have grown up a bit. There are some things that I definitely miss, and others that are a relief to be at an end. But sometimes? It's hard to tell just what category to put them in.

As an example is a dinner conversation our family had back in March of 2007. Ages ranged between 8 and 15. Six years really has made a difference in the content of our discussions... and though most of their friends are still not quite brave enough to eat at our house, there have been a few that not only have accepted dinner invitations, but have actually come back again. I do like and am relieved in that aspect of our family life. I was beginning to think we might be boring, too tame or normal.

Nicole, "I learned in biology today that if you get shot in the abdomen you should stick your finger in the hole so you don't end up with an extra nostril."

What do they teach in biology class these days?

Husband, "I believe you are talking about a sucking chest wound where you are losing air through a hole in the lung. Believe me you would be better off putting the cellophane wrapper from cigarette box or even your driver's license against the wound and wrapping it tight to seal off the wound."

Me, "I've heard that using a tampon in the entry hole of a bullet wound will help seal it until you can get the victim to the hospital. I imagine it depends on the kind of wound though."

Danielle, "Guys don't carry tampons around."

Me, "Maybe they should? Might help them get in touch with their feminine side."

The Husband is giving me his NO WAY IN [fill in the blank] look...

Erin, "He'd have to change it every day. Do guys know how to change tampons?" 

 At eight years old she has a very basic understanding of what a tampon is and what it is used for but darn you should have seen the most serious look on her face. I had a really hard time, not laughing.

Husband, "I've heard that you should NEVER trust anything that bleeds for a week and still lives."

**Roll of eyes** 

So I try to change the subject in interest of peace and family harmony.

Me to Husband, "Do you know how long a cat's life is on average?"

Husband, "Depends on if he get's up on the counter again." 

(This makes a little more sense when you know that one of our feline's name is "Cat".... or "Catoid" or if he is being particularly obnoxious "Catastrophe". He is also the one who often has to go into the feline witness protection program... usually because the husband has witnessed him clawing, pooping or peeing where he shouldn't be so he has to hide until the husband cools down.)

Sigh. Someone else's turn to change the subject....

Danielle, "Dad, I heard the greatest pickup line today at school... Did you sprain anything falling down from heaven?"

Husband, "If you EVER fall for that line, I will personally 'sprain' you! And just so you know the best pickup line is... I love your dress... it would look great on my bedroom floor."

Danielle, "That can't be the best pickup line. I wouldn't fall for it."

Husband, "I was pretty sure you were smarter than that. I think the point is to not bother with guys who use pickup lines. He is obviously trying for a quantity of relationships... not quality and who wants to be one more unmemorable sucker?"

Tip to our daughters... If you want to meet someone, just strike up a conversation. If you are nervous, just start by asking for the time. Don't let someone insult your intelligence by giving you a slick as snot attitude pick up line. It only shows how truly expendable you are to them.

And never underestimate a father's inquisitiveness about potential future boyfriends... As much as you girls are "Daddy's girls" and have him wrapped around your little fingers.... it is doubtful that any boy will pass muster without learning from your Daddy himself, just what would happen if said boy didn't adhere strictly to the rules of gentlemanly behavior.

That said, I promise to try my best to keep him from pulling out the big guns or worse, the photo album...

QOTD: "When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of cap-less shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States." Erma Bombeck, American Humorist (1927-1996)

Even More Giving Is Supposed To Come From Here...

It all started with a book. At first glance, this book didn't appear to be all that different from any other ordinary book I own, but The Giving Book Club was created because of that original book, Random Acts of Kindness.  The only books chosen are books that give to the reader.  What the book gives would depend upon the reader. 

The name of The Giving Book Club came from one of the short vignettes in this small book, about a Russian Grandmother who told her Granddaughter that people in this country give from the wrong place and she goes on to explain exactly what she means in a way that will stay with you. I hope you'll take the time to read the short entry in the original blog post, Giving Is Supposed To Come From Here...

It's helped me focus on what I feel is truly important and now my copy is well worn.  I collect books to save me when I'm fresh out of anything positive to say or do. I know that sounds sappy, but I figure you should always try to enjoy and share happiness wherever you find it. Sappy, but true.

My books are food that feeds my soul, waters my determination and fertilizes my imagination. Any book that, for whatever reason, induces calm, patience, acceptance, laughter, imagination and reasoning, making you feel again centered and better able to cope with the demands of your life was made for this kind of shelf.


The eclectic selection on my shelf, reminds me to just forget about what I think I know about any given problem (because it's obvious that I don't know everything about the problem or it wouldn't be a problem, would it?). My shelf reminds me to remember that it's ok to take the time to step back outside the thinking box, review and then redirect how I'm reasoning and evaluating my problems. This book club was not meant to solve challenges that must be faced (so no automotive repair manual unless it's soothing). The book's purpose is to create a better mental and emotional place to deal with brick walls. 

Remind yourself often to not ever give up your dreams. They are only un-attainable if you stop trying and as long as there is life, there is hope. Have patience. Use whatever helps you focus your life and prioritize those things that are truly important to you and I've found that happiness just seems to follow. You've now given happiness a bread crumb trail and it will tag along as long as you want it to.

So, what's new on your shelf?

QOTD: "Reading...it's the best journey you can take without having to go anywhere." ~ Rumaas

Zombie To-Do List...

Public Service Announcement: There have currently been no confirmed sightings of Zombies, but the public should remain vigilant as it is only a matter of time before Congress sends them out to control the population instead of the budget. Please stay tuned to updated reports. Carry on and have a chocolate.

I've dreamed there is a special kind of to-do list that is addicting.  The longer the list, the more addicting it is. You should beware of any list longer than three items as they seem to be going viral within the well organized population. These to-do lists are an insidious form of torture created by Zombies to round-up victims. Once in possession of  one of their to-do lists, the tasks written on them multiply exponentially. It comes with some kind of subliminal instruction that is used to make you think you still have the option of saving your brain. You don't... have that option I mean. Once they've made sure you have a to-do list in your possession, then you are forever chained to whatever tasks that are on that to-do list until their next meal.

I've heard that they use this particular method to prepare your brain for their dinner. Kind of like meat tenderizer.  As far as I know, that is still only rumor. The way they get you to accept a to-do list is quite innocent-like. They are delivered by someone you think you know as a short set of instructions to complete some quick favor for them. It seems that any list under four items is safe, because you need more than three items to invoke enough subliminal exposure to commence the replicating countdown. Also beware of wine lists and menus... they are longer than three items and can make you want to list more than one item that you would like to eat or drink.

These to-do lists are used to make you think you still have the option of saving your brain. You don't... have that option I mean. Once they've made sure you have a to-do list in your possession, then you are forever chained to whatever tasks that are on that to-do list. That way they have an easier time rounding the herd (that would be you) for dinnertime. Their dinnertime. There's nothing left to do then, but say grace.

I woke up thinking it's a good thing I've already sworn off to-do lists! 

QOTD: "I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out." ~ David Sedaris