The Poop Has Hit The...

Overheard conversation:

"I can't go poop in a public restroom.  I have to wait until I get home.  It's like I get stage fright.  Someone might hear it 'plop'."

"I hate the Phantom Pee.  You know?  When you have to go but you can't?"

Heh!

Before The Season Of Impatience, Irritation and Going Broke Gets Started... A Survival Guide...

Has anyone else seen the Christmas paraphernalia along with the Halloween merchandise being displayed in 'Wallyworld' and 'Tarjay'?  Is it just me or is this happening earlier and earlier every year? A strange thought just crossed my mind, (it is a common affliction for me) the displays I've seen so far, figuratively, look like human sized mousetraps camouflaged to look like an enticing visual smorgasbord that screams, BUY ME. It seems like the bait is already being set to subconsciously make everyone think about the holidays or more specifically, the purchasing of gifts, earlier this year. I have to admit that the cheese in one mousetrap recently was compelling enough for me to twitch my whiskers and go take a closer look at it but I really like my cheese to not be of the variety that will come back to bite me in the butt (and I rather like having a tail end (pun intended) thank you very much).  I also prefer my Mouse Traps to be more of the game board variety.

I know there are families of mice out there like us who are really struggling on the financial hamster wheel.  Added to that is the outside influence by marketers and advertising agencies who want to make you feel like you are somehow lacking if you don't buy gifts for everyone. They work hard to reinforce that concept and sometimes it's hard not to pay attention to them (consciously or unconsciously).  They have learned their business well.

I know and agree that the current economy needs conspicuous consumers to buy new hamster wheels and in doing so, create new jobs and that's fine if you are lucky enough to be able to afford it, but I think it's wrong that we have built a social atmosphere in which the belief that any holiday or celebratory event will be ruined horribly for yourself, your family and/or your friends if you don't spend money you really don't have on things you (or they) really don't need.

Fostering a climate that creates compulsion to buy gifts to show the depth of your love and devotion and the need to receive, in return, the same regard just does not make sense to me. If you are on the turning hamster wheel of this kind of holiday spending and you don't want to get off, then I think you might need to admit to yourself that your hamster is already dead. You can't buy true love and friendship no matter how much money you spend and those friends that require it of you are not friends

As one of the aforementioned mice who are being surprised by the setting of these early traps, (even though Christmas is still more than two months away!) I am already finding it necessary to start limiting my adventures into the Land of Retail until after the insanity runs it's course.

My mother-in-law was Queen of the 'improvise, adapt, overcome' style of problem solving. She was the most clever and generous woman I've ever had the blessing of having known. She and my father-in-law raised seven kids in a very small four bedroom home that had neither an attic nor a basement and I'm pretty sure that if you asked any of the family members about their memories of this time of the year, they would have to laugh. If there was one thing that wasn't in short supply in that family, it was humor. 

They created family traditions that encouraged and celebrated ingenuity and effort, not quantity and cost. Their positive perspective and attitude added to the giving of the gift of time and humor yielded familial memories more precious and valuable than any gift that could be bought with coins of the realm.

Before all the retail mousetraps have been set for the upcoming holidays (and perhaps some clarification is needed on the definition of 'upcoming'! For those in the retail world.  'Upcoming' means 'not right now'!  At the very least I wish they would wait for one holiday to end before they start decorating for the next), and since our family of mice are already being targeted for fleecing, I figure it's time to break out the big guns of reminders to protect my sanity, sense of humor and wallet. If your hamster is not yet dead, perhaps you might want to try putting things into perspective by turning a stressful time of year back into a special time of year.   

Although I have written of our family's traditions before, I am dragging out this lemonade recipe early and dusting it off for what is left of this year.  It sure looks like I'm going to need it.

The Christmas List - This tradition was started in my husband's family.  As I mentioned above, there were seven kids and obviously not a lot of money for Christmas. So here is how they gave the gift of laughter and memories that will last longer than any of the other gifts received that have long been (or will be) forgotten:

Everyone in our family is required to write out a Wish List that is at least one page long (both sides of a lined paper sheet) with wishes. Those that do not provide enough wishes are 'given' wishes. These would include things that you really don't want such as a jock strap... if you are a daughter or in my husband's case, perhaps a G string, whatever will provide the most entertainment for the rest of us when it comes time to open presents. I'm sure you get the idea.

The rules of the list are always the same. You can put anything on the list and encouragement is given to include things as small as paper clips and as large as a house or Lamborghini.

The fun part about this for everyone involved is that you can translate any given 'list item' however you want... so if you are not very specific... well let me give you an example:

Say you ask for a book but do not specify a particular one, then anything in the shape or likeness of a book is fair game.  Such as book ends that look like books or made out of books, a picture of a book, wooden letters that consist of the letters BOOK... etc.

Believe me,  it becomes very difficult to decide just how to word your list when everyone is trying to give you what you listed without 'giving what you listed'. Obviously we do not do this for every item on a list as that would not be any fun at all, but just enough to make it interesting.

One year, when my husband was a teenager, he asked for a scope for his rifle... he got a bottle of Scope mouthwash. His father once asked for a Blonde... and got a Barbie. One of our daughters asked for nail polish, and got nail polish painted nails of the hardware variety. Last year I asked for World Peace and got World Piece(s).  Believe me, you can get quite creative.

This tradition has somehow misguidedly migrated to my side of the family. A few years ago my husband decided to get a level for my sister Suzanne who is definitely has ADD and can't sit still for longer than about five minutes. If you want to talk with her, you have to keep up with her as she re-roofs her house, builds an addition, tears out and rebuilds a door she got bored with. Anyway, this was not just a small level... it was about 4 feet long or thereabouts. He carefully taped off the windows and painted the rest of it a brilliant pink. He told her when she opened it that he just wanted to remind her that she was a girl.

Meanwhile my sister had decided to get my husband a tool belt that she spray painted pink. When he opened his present she told him she had wanted him to get in touch with his feminine side.

What makes this especially memorable is that the two of them, on the same day, asked me what I thought of the present they had decided to give each other. I had the hardest time of my life not giving either of them away.  When it came time for the two of them to open presents, I made them open these particular gifts at the same time!  We laughed so hard that Christmas that we were in danger of asphyxiation.

The Pickle Ornament - Each of our children have a pickle ornament that is put on or around the tree after they go to bed on Christmas Eve. My husband and I 'hide' them. The child on Christmas morning that finds 'their' pickle first, gets a special gift. The rest get a different gift IF they can find their pickle.  We do not make this easy by leaving them undisguised.

Stockings - Believe it or not, stockings at our house are looked forward to more than even the presents.  (Probably because there is no telling what you may find inside) There might be an origami made out of a five dollar bill, a sushi thumb drive (the sushi was actually a fake plastic cube my husband adapted and glued onto the end of a thumb drive). A CD containing a playlist of music created for one particular family member. (Comedy routines also work) A paper clip, pencil, pen or hair barrette decorated with something pretty, funky, or funny (or any combination thereof).  A unique screen saver, ring tone or background for computer or phone on CD.  A 'Get Out of Jail Free' card good for playing hookey from school for a mother/daughter or father/daughter day (and yes there are stipulations with that one).

All of this takes time to think of and create so our family usually starts thinking about what to put (or not put) on our lists right about this time of year. 

Since the appearance of seasonal merchandise is already starting to pop up in places, counteracting it's pull will also have to start early.  So here is a heartfelt warning as the retail world starts to set their mouse traps, remember to use caution when tasting the cheese...

QOTD: "Hold on to family traditions that instill love and joy into the hearts of your loved ones. Create traditions that bind with love, respect and laughter. Quietly and peacefully put to rest those traditions who's time has gone." ~ Lemon Stand

A Shoebox In The Guggenheim And The Little Green Monster...

Rachel had to do a school project that included having to create a diorama in a shoebox. Like so many other things of an artistic nature, she just 'threw it together'. After the project had been graded, her shoebox came home and ended up on the back of one of our benches in the kitchen.

My husband was looking at it this morning and disgustedly said, "I always hated those teachers who made you make things like dioramas and 3D islands. But I REALLY hated the artistic classmates who could effortlessly throw those projects together and they'd look realistic."

He nodded towards Rachel's creation and said, "Mine was never identifiable and it always looked like a two year old had made it after hours of excruciatingly hard work, while Rachel works on her projects for a couple of minutes and it looks like it should be in the Guggenheim."

I had to laugh and thought to myself that at least my husband knew what the Guggenheim WAS. He clearly was hiding a little green monster called, 'Envy'.   :o)

Carpe Diem...

There are times in life where everything else takes a back seat.  At least it does for me.  My family comes first.  Period.  Full stop.  Sometimes they need something and you just know you are the one who can help, so that's what you do.  I have had to learn over the years to ask for help when 'I' need it, although I must admit that I'm still not so great about doing so immediately.  I am a procrastinator by nature and I always seem to put my needs last.  I don't necessarily do this consciously.  I do this because my family is more important to me than anything, but it is the cold hard truth that I have to try harder to take care of myself because if I don't... Well let's do the math... 1 (person needs help) - 1 (person who didn't take care of themselves) = (can help) 0 (a big fat zero).

So although blogging is something I do for me, life sometimes conspires against me.  There have been a lot of major changes going on in the Lemon Stand household and I'm having trouble finding my 'groove'.  But fear not.  I have been writing little notes of treasure for future posts.  Most of which, I will enjoy writing because my family and life in general always seems to come up with the most bizarre conversations and events and life is too short not to laugh.  So I may do a couple of posts in one day and then pause for a few days to take time for the truly important things in my life.  Then it's back to my 'me' time. 

If you NEVER take anything ELSE away with you when you read my posts, take away the truth that life is too short to waste the small wonders around you.  They are always there, but most of the time we pass them by unnoticed because you've got to do this or that or you are too tired or you will take the time tomorrow.  Most miracles only take seconds or short minutes to see/hear and not only inspire you but to ease the load of responsibilities most people carry these days.  Allow them, give them permission, to color your world. 

I once wrote a post that told how I had come to learn this lesson and I sometimes have to go back and remind myself... Truthfully? I have to go back A LOT because let's face it, life can sometimes suck dirty, sweaty, gym socks.  So as a reminder, the following is just a short snippet from 'Celebration Of The Little Things':

If you want to know how this lesson solidified in my mind…the moment that I truly learned this lesson… it was the first time my husband was in the mid-east. He would send the kids and I pictures of grass. Yes, you read that right. There was this one spot where everyone threw out their wash water and eventually a straggly excuse for grass started growing. My husband had a picture of himself taken sitting in this 3 ft by 3ft patch of grass. He was cross legged and his eyes were closed. His hands were in the position of someone meditating and saying 'ooooohhhhmmm, ooooohhhhmmmm.' (Man that man cracks me up!)

He also would pick these small flowers that he would find among the rocks. Proof that life will survive in the most unlikeliest and most inhospitable places on earth. They do not stop growing because of the war being waged. Their ability to exist with such beauty is a testament to life.

QOTD: "Carpe Diem" [Seize The Day (opportunity)], Horace (65-8 BC) Roman Poet

The Funeral Of The Purple Cast...

So I had a lovely visit with the orthopedic hand surgeon today.  In fact, we had such a lovely and long visit that we are now BFFs!  No.  Really!  In fact, I think we'll name our next child after her.

Apparently the MRI from H E double hockey sticks (deserving of it's own post) showed no broken bones. That was such great news that I wept.  Really.

So, after they cut my stylish purple cast off (By the way, note to self... bring lye soap and a really good scrub brush with me the next time.   Either that or a nose plug.  Or at the very least a biological weapons expert because I really thought the stench of my unwashed arm/hand should have been setting off Homeland Defense alarms everywhere!  If they could have bottled that aromatic fragrance for military use we definitely could fend off hoards of angry terrorists with just a tiny, microscopic whiff) so as I was saying, before I so rudely interrupted myself, I am now the proud owner of far less chic arm/hand attire.  It does have Velcro so it can't be all that bad...  and they do say that black goes with everything, so how can I go wrong?

I also got a nifty new kind of ice bag that can actually be wrapped around my wrist, but since it is well past Labor Day, I don't think I could wear it as a fashion accessory (since it is white).  Still, no one but the husband, five daughters and four cats would see my fashion faux pas.  Particularly because I have no plans to leave this house until my excruciating, migraine wracked head and agonizing swollen wrist/hand do not look like they belong on Quasimodo instead of on my dainty, feminine form.

See?  Whining can be raised to an art form.  OK.  I'm done sniveling.  I can remove my ad to sell the kids on eBay and they can be 'fairly' sure I won't rip their head's off.  (As long as they can behave like the well-mannered offspring that I often have delusional  hallucinations about...  or I don't see or hear from them for the next twelve hours...  otherwise, all bets are off...)

Can you tell the pain medication is kicking in?  Thank you for the diversion this post provided.  I was sufficiently distracted so that I really didn't seriously entertain the thought of chewing my arm off sans anesthetic or trying to rip out my brain through my nostrils.  I'm sure I'll appreciate being fully intact on the morrow.

We now return you to your regular Friday night programming...

Notes for the unfortunate readers of this misery:

First off, this appointment was a week ago (as in LAST Friday) and I am feeling much better.  The swelling has gone down and the pain only comes from the nerves in my wrist that will take a little longer to heal.  I only mention this because posts are being typed one handed... or rather one finger at a time so I am trying to pace myself...  hence the length of time it took me to get this posted.

For those people not in the 'X' generation and who need translation of the term BFFs (welcome to my life, by the way...  I had to ask one of my teenagers) - Best Friends Forever

Anyone who recognizes the movie line I blatantly stole... no doubt you'll know I may have watched 'The Mummy' a few too many times.

As for life in general at the moment... It's just Ducky!  Thanks for asking.   (somehow I have misplaced that ad for eBay and my index finger is developing a callus so the kids are momentarily safe...)

Bou - you have been duly warned about what to expect when your son gets his purple cast off...

And lastly, to Air Force Wife...  I guess I am susceptible to a double dog dare after all...