29 January 2011

Sometimes, The Only Silver Lining Is The Humor To Be Squeezed From A Lemon...

Every family has those certain 'bent' twigs on their family tree.  Some are more warped than others, but if they weren't there... well, I guess your family would be pretty boring...   My friend Jill is in the unenviable position of having a mother-in-law who is quite... well, eccentric, shall we say.  It's a sad reality that there are many families out there in the world who were not as blessed as I was in that department.  I adored my Mother-in-Law and think of her whenever I see fabric, quilts, our kids, and my husband (not necessarily in that order), so that's quite often. 
Jill: Sorry it took so long for me to respond - Jack Senior got home last night and was full of stories about his mother.  Things I'd like to write about, but that others might not understand the humor of.  Like the fact that she demanded to get out to breathe "fresh air", but was unable to leave the car and was too cold for them to open the windows while they were parked.  Oh - and did I mention that she has a version of Crohn's Disease along with everything else and she refuses to monitor which foods she eats?  So, I'm sure you can imagine what the car smelled like (since the heater had to be on because she was cold)

And the part that had me nearly on the ground in tears of horrified laughter, when my husband told her he REALLY had to open a window to let air circulate because it smelled "stale" in the car (he was trying to approach the situation politely) she said in her German accent, "I smell nothing."  And the windows stayed up.

As for your 'white ice bag' [Like I said, punctuality was an after-thought... This was in reference to the infamous purple cast incident] - have you tried blinging it out?  Bedazzlers are pretty cheap at JoAnn's.  Or you could go with that new teen style of decorating with wanna-be graffiti art.  I think the word "LEMONADE" in giant gang-style print would go nicely with just about anything.  And you could put on a yellow do-rag to match.  Just remember, you're East Coast, so the pants are folded up on the right side.  Also, you might want to write "LEMONADE" across the butt of your pants just to be safe.  That way you can really, truly blend in.  :)

ME:  No, no, no...  you and Jack Senior (a name I find hysterical and probably NOT for the reasons you'd expect, but more on that later) are looking at this situation all wrong! You've got a gold mine of opportunities here with your MIL!

Just think about this from a different perspective. What you have here is absolutely amazing when you really take the time to think about this.   You have a woman (and I know I shouldn't be assuming here but since I'm pretty sure Jack DIDN'T crawl out from under a rock I'll keep her gender orientation within what is generally accepted within our society for her generation... but just so you know,  I believe we are all unique, just like everyone else on the planet. I'm not a bigot when it comes to gender, color, religion, politics, education or chocolate preference although I DO draw the line for those people who roll the left pant leg... or was that the right one... no, not THAT 'right', your 'military right'. Yeah, that's the one... I think... Huh... maybe not... Guess I'll have to get back to you on that one... Anyway, I believe that EVERY human being on the planet has the right to be crapped on because  that way the crap gets spread out more evenly and I REALLY do believe in being a team player.  I know my intellect is truly dizzying, but don't give up on me yet.  I have faith in your abilities to recognize and appreciate the genius that is me.) Now where was I?
Oh, yes. You have a woman, whom could become a national treasure! Yes, you read that right. ( No, not THAT right... Do we really need to go through that one again? Please, do try to pay attention here.  Thank you.) NOW where was I? Oh, yes.  A national treasure! She could be revered here, in the great US of A and have schools, libraries and towns named after her! Why, the Nobel Peace Prize committee would absolutely drool at the idea of honoring her! You don't understand just how LUCKY you both really are!  Why, this could be epic. You could go down in history for being related to her!
I can see how you'd probably feel depressed when the world at large holds up a picture of you and finds you lacking.  It's only to be expected and you really don't have a choice about your genetics anyway. Truly.  It wouldn't be all that bad for you, because the rest of us could never hold a candle up to the greatness that is her, either.
At least YOU get to be related to her... Why...  I am eaten up with jealousy now that I ponder this.  Absolutely neon green!  Why do YOU get to be related to her and the rest of us  just get to bask in the microscopic (you know what? I think microscopic has become my new favorite word. Why, I have used it in my last three emails to you! Yes, I know you were wondering about this. Well now you know.) Now WHERE was I? Oh yes, crumbs. Microscopic crumbs. Why do we get to just pine for even a glimpse of her?  I don't get it. That's just not fair!
In retrospect I can see the enormity of the error I have made in possibly making you aware of your blessings.  Please, just forget everything I just wrote.  I didn't really mean any of it. Why...  I was just... having a hallucination.  Yes. A hallucination.  So. You believe me, right?  NO. NOT 'THAT' RIGHT!'  You know? Now that I think about it... You just don't deserve to be related to her...
Lemon Stand

PS Since I have had to Peck out this email with one finger for the last three hours, you'll have to excuse me for not relating my amusement about the name 'Jack Senior.' Not only am I now tired and depressed, I wonder why it is that my best writing is always written to one person (OK, possibly two in this case if you decide to share this with Jack). When I want to write a blog post all I get is blue screen... It's just not fair.


  1. OK..."I smell NOTHING" in a German accent is now going to be part of my vernacular...

  2. I thought it was pretty funny myself. Sometimes you just gotta look at a life event in a way that you can laugh at it... Professor Lupin was absolutely correct. :)


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