"Aunt Lemon Stand is my favorite Aunt!"
My sister says "What?"
Kasey, my nephew, says "Denial is the first phase...."
Me, "You can tell my Godson that he has just become blog fodder." My sister starts laughing....
Rachel, "I didn't get it done because Erin kept bugging me. It's her fault."
Me, "So if it is HER fault if you finish your homework or not, then it is also SHE who is responsible when you DO get your homework done?"
Me, "OK. So Erin IS responsible for whether you DO or DO NOT finish your homework.... Therefore, she is the one who earns your bonus money for bringing home good grades. That is good to know. I just want to make sure I pay the right person."(Originally published 24 January 2007)
Rachel, "Wait....."
QOTD: "Wit is a sword; it is meant to make people feel the point as well as see it." G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936) English born Gabonese Critic, Essayist, Novelist and Poet
"My evil genius Procrastination has whispered me to tarry 'til a more convenient season." Mary Todd Lincoln (June 1841, Her Life and Letters - 1972)
"Procrastination: A hardening of the oughteries." Anonymous
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." Douglas Adams (1952-2001) English writer, dramatist, and musician
"Never put off till tomorrow, what you can do the day after tomorrow." Mark Twain (pen name of Samuel Langhorne Clemens) (1835 – 1910) American author and humorist
"When there is a hill to climb, don't think that waiting will make it smaller." Anonymous
"Much of the stress that people feel doesn't come from having too much to do. It comes from not finishing what they started." David Allen (1945 - ) Productivity consultant, creator of the Getting Things Done Time Management System
"Even if you're on the right track - you'll get run over if you just sit there." Arthur Godfrey (1903-1983) American radio and television broadcaster and entertainer
Nicole, "Mom can't wait to go into menopause."
Me, "I never said that!"
Nicole, "You don't like having your period."
Me, "That doesn't mean I can't wait to go into menopause!"
The Husband, (Who you know is not going to keep quiet...) "I don't know of any woman who says 'I can't wait til the next time I can bleed for a week!'"
From the back seat.... "Dad!"
Husband, "I don't know anyone who would say 'I can't wait to be in a raging hormonal mood for a week!'"
Husband, "I just can't wait to wear belted flotation devices!" (Note to the husband, pads now have a sticky side and even wings!!!!)
Husband, "I just can't wait to gain weight, feel bloated and be able to say...'Does my butt look good in these jeans?' No, they don't!"
Husband, "Or maybe.... 'Hey my period started.... I'm not pregnant! Just love when I can be sure of that!'"
Nicole had to start begging, "Dad! Please stop it! I really have to go to the bathroom!"
Husband, "Well, at least you girls won't have to worry about the last one.... I'm having you all fitted for chastity belts."
QOTD: "I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week." Erma Bombeck (1927-1996) Humorist
QOTD: "As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) 35th American President
QOTD: "When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the morning light, for your life and strength. Give thanks for your food, and the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies with yourself." Tecumseh Shawnee Chief (1768-1813)
QOTD: Little Debbie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math, and 20 in science."
Rachel, "Mom? Can I borrow the stuffed cat I made for you?"
Me, "Sure. Will I get him back?"
Rachel, "Yes, I just want to make him some clothes."
QOTD: "Physics is imagination in a straight jacket." John Moffat
Husband, "I would sooner praise Hurricane Catrina for her organizational skills before I praised you for the condition of your room... at least she left the area in better condition than you..."
Husband, "If Anne Frank could maintain a good mood and outlook in a death camp... you can maintain one while loading the dishwasher..."
QOTD: "The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate." Oprah Winfrey (1954-) American television personality, Actress and Producer
Me, I have the kids and am doing errands. Do you want to meet somewhere for dinner? Or maybe I could drop the kids off at home and we could go on a date?
Husband, I dropped the van off at the garage, the mechanic can’t look at the check engine light, his computer died and it won’t be fixed until next week so I’ll have to bring the van back.
Me, OK, did he say how much the broken heater was likely to cost?
Husband, Haven’t heard back yet, dinner sounds good.
Me, Okkaayy. I can tell you don’t read my email in it’s entirety. DINNER OUT WITH KIDS OR DINNER DATE W/WIFE?????
Husband, No, I do read your e-mail. I figured if you show up with the kids, then it’s dinner with the wife and kids. If you show up with out them, we can be out of state in less than an hour…
QOTD: “Never trust a computer you can’t throw out the window.” Steve Wozniac
"Can't you call the school and get me out of it? I HATE rap music!"
"Yeah, Country Music plus Rap equals CRAP."
"Well I had to do Romeo and Juliet and you'll just have to suffer like the rest of us."
Nicole said, "We had to sit through 'Opera'."
"We are raising social hyenas."
QOTD: "Why don't you save the hyenas the trouble and kill me now? JUST KILL ME NOW!" The Lion King 1 1/2 (2004)
Rachel, "How does Santa get to everyone's house in one night?" (She already knows the answer, but of course, she is setting me up...)
Me, "It's magic."
Rachel, "How does he know what you want? If he knows that much about you, he must be stalking you. Why don't the police ever arrest him for stalking? And how come he never gets arrested for breaking and entering? And for that matter, he doesn't ever seem to get caught for stealing cookies either. Why doesn't he ever have to pay for his crimes?"
Me, "Huh.... You know you really know how to kill the Christmas Spirit?"
Rachel, "Don't worry Mom, it's only November. There's plenty of time to get it back. Still, I think Santa should at least be reported to the SPCA or PETA. Just look at the amount of fur he wears on his clothing and how he forces the reindeer to work more than an eight hour shift. And really... we should sic the fashion police on him. Sheesh, everyone knows that red is NOT a suitable color for a guy that large!"
QOTD: "After today, I'll bet Santa takes a shovel to the reindeer stalls to fill your stocking." Bill Watterson (1958-) American Author of the comic strip Calvin & Hobbs
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!", she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second?" So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold!
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
QOTD: "Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it." Bill Cosby (1937-) American Actor, Comedian and Producer
"I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider."
"I don’t write this because I want/need a pat on the back. My purpose in sharing this experience is that you’ll be motivated to find someone you can go out of your way to help, whether or not they ask for it. It’s also to make you aware that there are people out there we don’t know with a history we’ve never heard. One simple act of kindness may be the only thing holding that person together when their personal life is trying to tear them apart."
"… and that is when my original curiosity – that had morphed into a laughable attempt to catch my Father (and fellow Marine) in a uniform hiccup slowly led to the realization of what I was really looking at..."
QOTD: "We do not remember days; we remember moments." Cesare Pavese - The Burning Brand
I know that is is now past Veterans day, but a fellow blogger reminded me of this post. I hope that he will post HIS original post but here is an interesting history lesson...
"You can thank me later. Oh, and by the way? I need you to pick the air conditioner off the ground outside our window. Okay?"
QOTD:
Earthworm: "It's not dirt, but it tastes good."
Spider: "Mmmmm. Better than ladybugs."
Ladybug: "What?"
Spider: "Excuse me."
From the movie, 'James And The Giant Peach'
Me: "Honey, can you tell me if it is possible to create a link within a web page that will take me to a different place within the same web page?"
Husband: "Should be in either the book you bought or the one I gave you."
Me: "Couldn't you just tell me if it is possible?"
Husband: "Yes, I could."
Me: "Well, is it?"
Husband: "Yes."
Me: "Where can I find out how to do it?"
Husband: "In the book."
Me: "Could you TELL me how to do it?"
Husband: "I don't remember. It's been a long time since I took those classes. I thought you had already done the lessons in the 'HTML and CSS in 24 Hours' book?"
Me: "No, I just have been cutting and pasting and looking up just the specific stuff. Like how to post a picture. How to change font and color. Now I'm trying to find the link thing but I can't find anything on it."
Husband: "Let me get this straight. You buy a book so you can learn how to fix up your web page in 24 hours and then you spend more time searching for stuff than if you had just done the lessons? You don't need a book 'for dummies' you need one for the 'incurably impatient.'"
QOTD: "For one word a man is often deemed to be wise, and for one word he is often deemed to be foolish. We should be careful indeed what we say." Confucius (c.550-c.478BC) [Analects]
QOTD: "I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!" Alice in Wonderland
Husband, "Well, have a good time. I need to go get a cup of coffee. Love you. Bye."
Danielle, "What? I'm not more important than your coffee?"
Husband, "We all have our priorities and I always say you should know your position in the universe."
Danielle, "I should be number 1. Just where am I on your list of priorities?"
Husband, "Well, coffee is number 1. I guess you could be number 2 but I am not sure about that. Let me think about it for a while and I'll get back to you."
Me, "What about bacon? How come that's not high on your list?"
Husband, "Because the list is written on bacon." (my husband is having a love affair with his bacon)
QOTD: "Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. It is up to us. It's been said that astronomy is a humbling, and, I might add, a character-building experience. To my mind, there is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly and compassionately with one another and to preserve and cherish that pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known." Carl Sagan (1934-1996) American Astronomer and Popular Science Writer
ME "Eeeewwww, ok, that's enough. This is not appropriate behavior for the dinner table. Besides, it's not very good for your back or neck."
Husband agreeably warns, while cracking his knuckles (he's such a guy!) "It really won't be good for 'your neck' if I hear it again..."
Erin, who then lets out a lady like burp, "Sorry Mom."
Before I could say anything Rachel came back with, "Better to pass gas through the mouth than the butt."
ME (I just HAD to ask), "Why?"
Rachel, proudly proclaims "You can clear a room faster with butt wind than belching. It's a known fact. I've proven it." (She has too. Although she likes beans the rest of us have to wear gas masks after she indulges.)
Nicole, ribbing her sister as elder sisters always do, "We need to lock Rachel in a big bubble when she has any beans. She can be bubble girl. That way when she farts she only asphyxiates herself."
Rachel, "Where's the fun in that?"
Husband threatens, "If she gets the bubble then you get the zip lock bag..."
As Erin crawled into bed she said, "Mommy, my bed has to be fixed."
From the other corner of the room Rachel, deliberately misunderstanding, said "Your bed doesn't have to be neutered, it can't reproduce."
Erin will always try to win a verbal battle with Rachel, regardless of the subject, "But then where do cat beds come from?"
Rachel, with a straight face says, "The come from a bed manufacturing facility. Don't you ever notice how beds are stacked? One right on top of the other?"
Yeah, it's time for me to step in as Rachel at age 12 still hasn't learned what 'age appropriate' is, "End of subject! It's time for you to sleep."
Erin,with a puzzled look on her face, "But how are the beds made? The same way I was?"
I can't tell you how much I wanted to say "pretty much"... :o)
ME, "This is a talk for another day. Go to sleep"
Erin grumpily says, "Why do I always have to go to sleep just when the talk gets interesting?"
ME, "If you really want "the reproducing and how babies are made talk" right now, I will be happy to explain it to you." (I'm thinking Reader's Digest version because if my kids are brave enough to ask, then they deserve an answer. Since Erin is the youngest and there is a 7 year difference in age between Nicole and her, she knows approximately what subject 'the talk' is about. But that story is for another day.)
I guess Erin quickly changed her mind (every girl's prerogative) and said, "Mommy, do we have to? I really don't want a long talk about sex tonight, I have a headache."
QOTD: "I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead." Woody Allen (1935-) American Actor, Author, Screenwriter and Film Director
Nicole, "Mom, have you ever thought about having an affair?"
Me, "No."
Erin, "Mommy would never look at another guy!"
Rachel, "Mom looks at other guys. Her eyes glaze over anytime she sees Hugh Jackman!"
Me "Hmmmm. I don't know if you could consider day dreaming as actually thinking about having an affair. I can tell you that I truly appreciate nicely proportioned, testosterone enhanced scenery as well as any other woman."
Danielle, (to her sisters) "You can be happily married and appreciate other men.... you just can't jump on them like they're the last chopper out of 'Nam."
Danielle, "Well, it's true! I heard it on a comedy podcast."
QOTD: "The perfect love affair is one that is conducted entirely by post." George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) Irish literary critic, Playwright and Essayist
Nicole, "'Normal' is not a state of being... 'Normal' is a setting on your washer."
QOTD: "Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats." H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) US Editor
ME to Erin: "Time for bed. Go get into your pajamas and brush your teeth."
Erin: "But I'm not tired. It's not a school night. I don't want to go to bed."
ME: "It's already way past your bedtime, it's time to go to sleep."
Erin: "It's not fair Daddy. I don't want to go to bed."
Husband to Erin: "You're absolutely right. I think you should really show Mommy how you feel about this. Just lay down and don't do anything. You really need to use the passive resistance option. Just be really quiet and don't move.... and since you'll probably be doing it for a while you might as well be really confortable, so you might as well lie on your bed."
Erin: "Hey, wait a minute... I'm not stupid you know."
Husband: "I know you're not. I was absolutely sure you would figure it out because I KNOW you are really smart!"
QOTD: "Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB's, given to fistfights, gun play, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren't likely to argue about bedtime." P. J. O'Rourke (1947-) American Political Commentator, Journalist, Writer and Humorist
